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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

226 replies

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 21:47

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 13/08/2023 22:09

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:02

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

Yes- He will be entitled to probably 50%, as it's been a ''Long'' marriage.

Get good legal advice, and good luck.

PerfectYear321 · 13/08/2023 22:10

Cyclebabble · 13/08/2023 22:07

STBEX DH unilaterally decided to stay at home and look after kids while I worked. Out of the blue he left for a younger model. He is looking for more than 50% of the equity of the property, half my pension and spousal maintenance. He will get half my pension and spousal maintenance. I would not expect him to get more than half the property on the advice I have received. He is a bit older than me so will shortly retire and the advice is I will need to pay maintenance until I retire. Its gutting but that is the law.

Bloody hell! I wish there was an adultery clause in divorce. But then people would just lie I guess

Original poster
OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:10

He has never given up work potential. He has always worked full time.
it’s been me that went part time when they were both little to care for them around 90% of the time.
My job is faintly new, full time and I kind of go away a lot to get away from him.
I run my own diary so can work it out to be 50% or more with my little one.
It has evolved as he has WFH for the last 5-6 years so does school pick ups, drop offs, hobbies etc.

OP posts:
nonheme · 13/08/2023 22:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Zanatdy · 13/08/2023 22:12

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:02

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

Yes, that’s what you sign up for with marriage. Women seem to get more offended about this than men when considering divorce. It must be frustrating, but that’s life, and that’s divorce

LateAF · 13/08/2023 22:13

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:10

He has never given up work potential. He has always worked full time.
it’s been me that went part time when they were both little to care for them around 90% of the time.
My job is faintly new, full time and I kind of go away a lot to get away from him.
I run my own diary so can work it out to be 50% or more with my little one.
It has evolved as he has WFH for the last 5-6 years so does school pick ups, drop offs, hobbies etc.

You are being really unfair then. He works full time, has the kids while you are away, does all the daily heavy lifting childcare wise, and also contributes financially. Your posts made it sound like he’s a SAHD.

His contribution sounds more than yours in the marriage from what you’ve said- sounds fair that cleaning should be on you- he can’t catch a break in the week.

PerfectYear321 · 13/08/2023 22:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

True.
Divorce is devastating, so if its fixable obviously explore that to the max. 50/50 is not easy on kids. Imagine if you had to go live somewhere else for half the week. You don't feel settled.

landbeforegrime · 13/08/2023 22:14

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:02

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

If the children (especially the 11 yo because technically the 19yo is no longer a dependent child due to age) live with him more than 50% of the time and your earning capacity is higher he might get more than 50%, just to warn you. cohabiting pre marriage counts as the time married. you might be able to ring fence pension accrued before then. but it's a long marriage, starting point in 50/50. pensions are not straightforward in terms of split because of your ages etc, so an actuary would usually have to work this out to equalise income (typically). so the split might not be 50/50, but whatever works out so you'd have the same income. disclosure of bank accounts would usually go back 2 years. former matrimonial home is also split 50/50 unless there's some very compelling reason to deviate. you should definitely speak to a solicitor so they can be more specific about your situation in their advice.

Original poster
OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:14

I think we are probably beyond counselling.

You would not know that I hate the sight of him because I cover up and act so well because it’s the only way to avoid him making my life hell.

Its papering over the awful awful cracks isn’t it.
As long as I play along, he just carries on but if I challenge in even the smallest way, his reaction is unbearable.

OP posts:
LateAF · 13/08/2023 22:16

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:14

I think we are probably beyond counselling.

You would not know that I hate the sight of him because I cover up and act so well because it’s the only way to avoid him making my life hell.

Its papering over the awful awful cracks isn’t it.
As long as I play along, he just carries on but if I challenge in even the smallest way, his reaction is unbearable.

Then you’re focusing on the wrong things. The cleaning is the non issue. If your communication is toxic that’s what to address first.

AngelinaFibres · 13/08/2023 22:16

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:02

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

You are married. If you were doing 85% of the childcare and earned less then you would expect a share of what the other person has accrued financially due to you being at home more.

PerfectYear321 · 13/08/2023 22:17

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:10

He has never given up work potential. He has always worked full time.
it’s been me that went part time when they were both little to care for them around 90% of the time.
My job is faintly new, full time and I kind of go away a lot to get away from him.
I run my own diary so can work it out to be 50% or more with my little one.
It has evolved as he has WFH for the last 5-6 years so does school pick ups, drop offs, hobbies etc.

Oh right, he works full time AND does the bulk of the childcare? He absolutely deserves at least 50/50

Would you be happy if you bought a house and he couldn't afford to do so? Did you ever actually love this man? Would you be happy seeing your children see their dad struggling to put a roof over his head? Sad

Finlesswonder · 13/08/2023 22:19

How would he make your life hell? Is he dangerous?

Why are you so resentful of him when he has always worked full time?

Original poster
OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:19

He does as little of his job as he can. He might log on and do a couple of hours one day then 3 hours another. (on a warning from work because of this).
when not working.. when he should be, he does nothing around the house.

OP posts:
nonheme · 13/08/2023 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cbuew9 · 13/08/2023 22:20

JenWillsiam · 13/08/2023 22:05

You would get half of his.

Show quote history

This....

Original poster
OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:24

I’m not explaining this very well.
We are finished.

He was a lovely man who I absolutely adored, extremely happily married until about 3 or 4 years ago.
He has slowly morphed into his dad who I cannot stand.
He is a lovely lovely dad. Our kids are his life.

He isn’t pulling his weight at home or in his job. I’m working full time, coming home to a mess, him in a rut.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 13/08/2023 22:24

OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:02

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

Just the same way it happens to men who are the main wage earner or do you think women should be treated more advantageously?

AngelinaFibres · 13/08/2023 22:26

My marriage broke down because my exhusband had an affair. We tried marriage guidance counselling. The woman we saw said ' you don't have to love your husband, you don't have to even like your husband at the moment. Your marriage can be worked on and come back from that. But if you don't respect your spouse then there is no way to come back and repair the marriage'. I didn't respect my husband. He was a liar and a cheat and absolutely appalling with money.You don't sound like you have any respect for your husband ,never mind liking or loving him. It will be hard and you will lose a lot but you will be free and that is priceless.

mommatoone · 13/08/2023 22:26

OP - i think its irrelevant what he does around the house etc etc. It sounds like you have checked out,and made your mind up. Fair enough. Get some legal advice. Life is too short. Good luck

Original poster
OHVanessaShanessaJenkins · 13/08/2023 22:29

mommatoone thank you. Nail on the head.
Thank you x

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 13/08/2023 22:30

I hear you OP. I am sorry for your situation, it sounds unbearable. At least you know what you need to do. Good luck and strength.

drpet49 · 13/08/2023 22:32

LateAF · 13/08/2023 22:13

You are being really unfair then. He works full time, has the kids while you are away, does all the daily heavy lifting childcare wise, and also contributes financially. Your posts made it sound like he’s a SAHD.

His contribution sounds more than yours in the marriage from what you’ve said- sounds fair that cleaning should be on you- he can’t catch a break in the week.

Show quote history

This

MySicesterLivesInBister · 13/08/2023 22:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2023 22:07

Is that what your child would want if they’re used to dad doing most things?

Show quote history

That's what I was wondering.

My experience of divorce is that the parent who does most of the childcare is regarded as the primary caregiver, and the expectation was that the children's lives would continue as 'normal' (in so far as possible, given that divorce is not normal and is shit). So they would mostly live with the parent who mostly looks after them. If you've only done 15% of the childcare, that's the time that you would have with them.

All money (income, assets, pensions etc) goes into the pot, and is then shared out according to need. When I divorced 8 years ago, the rule of thumb was that the parent who has the children for more of the time is awarded slightly more than the parent who has them for less of the time, as their needs are different. It might have changed to be more like 50:50 now, though.

If you are the main earner, OP, you're looking at handing over at least 50% of whatever you regard as yours. Though your husband would also be expected to work, given the ages of the children (the 19 yr old is irrelevant from a financial point of view, as he/she is an adult - in practice, he/she is also irrelevant from the point of view of who lives where, as an adult can choose where they are and when - and will presumably be away at university or working). A parent of an 11 yr old would be expected to work - within the constraints of having possibly given up work to look after small children, which is likely to have had an effect on earning potential.

Mulhollandmagoo · 13/08/2023 22:35

Is there no way he would consider individual therapy for himself?? Maybe that would help?

But if you've checked out then yes, leave, you both deserve to live happy and fulfilling lives, we only get one! There is always unfortunately financial ramifications for the higher earner though, so as others have said, get sound legal advice whilst keeping your cards close to your chest. If he makes your life miserable whenever you go against the grain, then make sure when you tell him you're done, you a literally ready to walk out of the door!

Good luck OP