Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

[OHVanessaShanessaJenkins]

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

Well you might "see it" as laziness but have you tried exploring how he sees it? It may be lower standsards... How do you teach a compromise..?

Marriage is a con. Fuck that 😅

When the dishwasher is open, empty, next to the sink and he just throws his plates, cups in the sink or worse, just leaves them lying around, then yes, lazy.
Piles of his crap EVERYWHERE. Empty boxes, wrappers, towels, washing. He’s like a teenager.

Jokes that he runs round 5 minutes before I come home from anywhere tidying up.

This would drive me mad, OP. Prior to leaving, could you at least not do his laundry? Mine knows that if clothes are dumped on the floor they get chucked in the bottom of his wardrobe as I don’t want them on the floor. They do not then get washed. If he wants his laundry doing, it needs to be in the laundry basket.

By failed to read the room you mean refused to join the misandrist echo chamber? You are on a public forum. There will be people with differing views.

Op, you're upset by strangers comments, how do you think your husband feels about your comments on him who was lovely for most of your marriage by your own admission until you got higher on the job ranks? One sided empathy and selfishness need to be called out. It seems on MN there are many bitter divorcees with no respect to the sanctity of marriage and a cult of encouraging misandry. A reverse would have never gone down this way. Thinking about it more, your poor husband would be better off divirced in more ways than just your pension.

Wow, what a bitchy response

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth 💯 exactly, so predictable 🙄 but we're terrible to say so out loud since op is a woman 🙄🙄🙄

Hey OP I sent have experience of this but I wonder if you should start being thr ain caregiver again now before starting divorce stuff? And also maybe get a smaller property so that it's less of a financial burden on you? He sounds pretty infuriating, and I am excited for the new chapter in your future for you :) Hope you can get some real life support from friend for when he starts being a difficult wanker. You have us too!

(P.S. Ignore the trolls, they're unhappy in their own lives so are vomiting misery on you!).

It’s depressing OP that you’ve worked so hard and you’ll have to compromise your finances to get rid of him but assuming you have another 15 years to work, you might have a couple of tough years but you can regroup and get through it.

Go and see a solicitor, make a plan and keep it all to yourself until you are ready to make it happen.

Get a daily cleaner. Say that the money to pay from this comes from the holiday budget/outings/social activities so they’ll be no more if this. You’ll be going away by yourself though for a rest. The kids can clear up after themselves. Make them a rota. Is the 19 year old working and/or a student? If they’re working they can contribute to the costs of the household.

Yeah, so you could be describing what I do sometimes. I can put plates on the side above an empty dishwasher and I definitely run around before DH comes home if he's been away. Reasons are firstly I don't care about mess and only a bit about cleanliness (or at least my threshold is different). We have had rows about cleanliness and hygiene, I know people think crumbs on sides are unhygienic but the actual truth is unless you have an ant/rodent problem or leave it days/long enough for bacteria to grow food bits are not actually a threat to health/ life.
Secondly I am chronicly disorganized and rushing (I struggle to manage my time). I am often eating a bit of toast whilst struggling to wiggle a shoe on and locate my key. Putting stuff on the side rather than in dishwasher is my default in these moments as I am stressed and don't think I have time. I have as much time as DH but manage it badly. I'm ND and being assessed for another Nd condition. Not that that's an excuse AND importantly I don't "look" Nd. I am hugely successful from the outside, academically and job success all the usual indicators of 'doing well'. Unless you lived with me and saw the ridiculous levels of shit that I try and use to manage my life you'd never know. I am not lazy, I really am not. I work my duty arse off. I'm just not strong in certain areas... Thankfully I have a supportive DH who attemptscto understand and sees my struggles and together we've tried to figure out why I am the way I am (but there were times he took it personally).

Oh fuck off, what a load of utter shite

It's a 3 bed flat. She doesn't need a daily cleaner.

We have struggled with similar issues since DH WFH. It's a big change.

@Humidititties Is this the best you could come up with?
@OnlineExxxcitement you need to look up what trolling actually means. Having a differing opinion isn't it. Accusing someone you disagree with of being a troll or telling them to F.O is really pathetic.
You guys don't even have an actual argument , just knee jerk pro-woman-no-matter-what guttural reaction. I won't be posting on here any more so have a field day massaging each others deluded egos. Enjoy the echo chamber! Remember, women can never be selfish or wrong!

OP isn't selfish for wanting to divorce her husband FFS, should she just stick with him and be unhappy?

Don’t make any rash decisions when you are full-throttle peri! You need to get your hormones rebalanced and then address your marriage. For your kids’ sakes, before you blow up their lives. A friend of mine ended her marriage while struggling with peri and after coming out the other side of menopause deeply regretted it. But by then her ex had moved onto someone else.

It’s a house but it’s the mess that is the problem. Why not have a daily cleaner if this service is affordable by the op. The cleaner can arrive two hours before the op gets back from work. The costs means no more holidays so perhaps the dh and kids might start to clear up the mess.

Op you don't need to justify your reasons for wanting to split up to anyone, either on here or in real life. All that matters is you want to split, any reason is good enough. You get one life, why would you force yourself to stay in a marriage you're unhappy in? It doesn't matter whether he's the most awful arsehole in the world or a case of you just falling out of love with him.

Hating the sight of someone is not going to be resolved by getting a cleaner!

the responses here are very odd - perhaps triggering for the sahm who have been shafted seeing things that aren't there

the OP has clearly pulled all the weight in the relationship in both childcare, earning and household management and is fed up of carrying a passenger - rightly so

I can relate because I am peri menopausal, living with my 2 young adult boys and husband and finding I am so over being their maid and the only one keeping the house presentable. There's no excuses, everyone else is just as capable as me but they just don't care about things being tidy and clean. I feel a lot of resentment towards my husband and goodness knows the last time I felt attraction towards him. But I have talked it out with them all and it's been suggested that we make a rota. I haven't got round to that yet with work/studies and everything else plus it's just another bloody chore for me that will probably just be ignored. I feel like moving out! I'm sticking it out because we were so happy for so long and I know myself that my emotions are everywhere. I am not even bothering making dinner every night anymore. We mostly see to ourselves, I no longer go hunting for washing, I have laminated washing instructions and stuck them on the whiteboard. My house is still pretty messy at times but I am no longer prepared to work myself to the bone if they don't give a shit. Things I used to do without thinking, now send me into a rage. I'd suggest caution, see how you feel after HRT.

You say your views changed when you hit perimeno - what do you think happened to the lovely man, you've been with for 30 years, four years ago? Did it creep up, or is it a combination of his changes and yours which are now intolerable? I really feel for you OP, it sounds like such a horrible life for you just now and just when things should be settling so you can enjoy your retirement together. I hope you can get a good outcome xxx

Yep, this was me too. It’s no surprise when you think about it - biologically menopause signals the end of a woman’s nurturing/mothering years and it does feel like a switch is flicked. It’s not like you don’t give a shit about your family’s well-being, but running yourself ragged to look after them and run a household becomes a big nope. It was only HRT that stopped me wanting to lob a grenade under my life and I am glad I waited for it to kick.

That said, OP’s situation sounds more like she simply doesn’t love her DH anymore. I never felt that with mine, even though there were times when he drove me so nuts I contemplated laying a new patio.