Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

[OHVanessaShanessaJenkins]

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

Op I’m perimenopausal and joined DH WFH not long ago so totally get what you’re saying - things I didn’t notice before are now right under my nose all the bloody time and it drives me fucking mad. Give the HRT some time (& it might not be quite right to start with!) . I actually came on this morning to see if there was a thread about relationships surviving the menopause - I’m not at that stage but do sometime worry that if things don’t improve we could get there. Given no one else has changed, it’s probably me and my hormones making me a complete bitch with zero tolerance for anything!

Definitely get a cleaner - I have 2 ladies who come for 1.5hrs and blitz the whole house. Get them at a time you don’t have any meetings and the last half hour whilst they’re at the mopping/hoovering downstairs stage either pop out for a walk or take your laptop/phone and work upstairs for half an hour. Or just ask them to leave the room you’re working in & spend the time doing another job. If you can afford this twice a week then go for it - I certainly would as it’s once less thing to get the rage about! Oh and make sure everyone mucks in the night before to tidy.

Read the post! She utterly hates him and holds him in contempt!

ETA - if you still feel leaving might be the answer, I would definitely increase the amount of time you are with your children. Not only to ease the transition for the dc, but also make 50:50 a more realistic option - if he decided to fight I can see the courts giving him residency and you might end up with less access than you’d like.

Yes am all out of caring and nurturing. DH works insane hours and the bulk of the housework falls to me. But he is not this bad. Stacks stuff in the dishwasher and laundry is in the basket. Teen DS does his own cooking and laundry. That said, I was away for a week and nobody thought to mop the kitchen floor! That seems to be a thing only I notice.

Oh come off it! Every man I know is offended by this, complains about us and does everything they can to hide assets from their wife.

Look OP you really haven't explained the situation properly in your post. You said husband does 85% of childcare making it sound like he was a stay at home dad who also works full time which makes it sound like he does a lot - more than you infact- but then in comments you say the child takes themself to and from school and you take them to clubs, and doesn't really require much looking after so which is it?

If this is correct: Husband only does 2 or 3 hours work a day, doesn't really have to do much for the kids, and does no cleaning or shopping or family planning, while you work longer hours and do all the cleaning, meal planning and life admin then I think it's normal that you'd be resentful. It sounds like he has lots of free time that he spends doing whatever he wants, and you have no free time and come home to a dirty house.

“You say your views changed when you hit perimeno - what do you think happened to the lovely man, you've been with for 30 years, four years ago? Did it creep up, or is it a combination of his changes and yours which are now intolerable? I really feel for you OP, it sounds like such a horrible life for you just now and just when things should be settling so you can enjoy your retirement together. I hope you can get a good outcome xxx“

This. It may be that your relationship is irretrievably over. 4 years is a long time for problems to fester but in the context of the preceding very happy 26 years where you saw yourselves growing old together, it’s still a small portion of the overall 30 years. You say you are peri-menopausal. It’s a difficult time. And anger and intolerance are a big feature - they were for me, in any case.

I have seen a few OPs on MN from women who smashed up their relationships when they were peri-menopausal and desperately regretted it when they came out the other side by which time it was too late to mend things. One OP posted her story as a warning to others.

You say talking to him has got nowhere. Maybe you have tried therapy and it’s not worked or you’re not interested in trying therapy.

In your shoes, though, if you haven’t tried it, I would want to do so - for you individually and for you and your H. That way, if I did go on to end the marriage, I would know I had done everything I could to save it.

But perhaps you already know you have done everything you feel you can to save it and there is no other option. It is probably worth getting a bit of legal advice either way so you can start getting your ducks in a row if you need to.

OP, would you try couples' counselling or have you before?

Just thinking that it could help get you slightly more on the same page whether you split up or not.

Realistically, the house is going to need to be sold if he can't buy you out.

If you divorce then yes he has a claim on all assets including pensions. Starting again after divorce means you are poorer, that is normal. But you sound miserable. Most people in your situation would buy a flat and once the children reach adulthood the family home would be sold and assets split. If you can't afford the mortgage on a flat plus current house, then husband and kids need to move to a cheaper house.

Withperi menopause, for most women it happens at the same time as mid life crisis. It is normal to ask if you want this to be your life. It's not a bad thing.

I’ve not read the whole thing but OP I am 100% with you! I see the “equality” brigade are piling in BUT it’s not equality - it’s legalised theft and financial abuse by him.

He has you run ragged while he takes no financial responsibility and does nothing around the house. For that he can rip you off royally. This is why I would never marry again.

The 19-year-old is completely out of the equation in terms of any child support and can pick their own living circumstances. The 11-year-old can go 50/50. At least STBEX has a job so there should be no argument for you to pay him maintenance.

How much is in his pension pot? Does he have any hidden savings? Those things may make the blow slightly less hard for you. He must have some sort of pension himself.

I expect you will have to sell the family home and buy two smaller properties in order to split the combined pot. It’s gut-wrenching to work flat out the whole marriage and then be left with this. The law is pretty ruthless and old-fashioned based on the idea that any contribution in the home is equal to paid work in the real world.

I hope younger generations who have more idea about fairly splitting financial contributions and domestic work will eventually reform this hideous law. It is most unfair to working women.

Personally, I was the higher earner, did most of the parenting and the domestic stuff and yet he got more than 50% of assets. He was abusive, a drunk and layabout and walked away and has not kept in touch with the children. Just in it for the money. At least now the damage has finally settled I have my own home, my own income and pension pot and two young adult kids who love me. The future is starting to look brighter.

BTW any money saved towards uni costs is also considered part of the marital assets. He took that too and I have had to pay everything. Just have to suck it up. Women are still treated appallingly, not least by the legal system.

Men who do nowhere near 50 50 before divorce, routinely get 50 50 on divorce. If one parent wants 50 50 and one wants 80 20, the default seems to be to give 50 50 assuming both are ok parents.
But OP would need to make changes to make 50 50 work. If she wants the status quo with her job 80 20 would work better.

@lechatnoir - I’m 54 and post-menopausal and can confirm that relationships can survive peri-menopause and menopause. It is tough. I was massively stressed a lot of the time - demanding job, youngish children (I had our first at 35). There were definitely times where I would happily have divorced DH and, I know, he would happily have divorced me. Times when it looked as if the whole family would be happier if I moved out. I didn’t take HRT because my physical symptoms weren’t too debilitating. Perhaps it would have been easier if I had.

But it’s a good few years behind us now and I can honestly say that things are better than ever. Our relationship is generally very happy. I’m much more relaxed. My libido has never been particularly high but remains in decent shape. Something very liberating about knowing you can’t get pregnant. And I feel more confident and powerful than I have done in years.

Of course, no-one knows what the future holds. My parents divorced after 33 years of marriage so I take nothing for granted. But things are looking very good now.

It is not legalised theft. When you marry it means you share your finances. What you do privately is up to you, but marriage means legally all finances are shared. It's why a SAHM can not claim benefits on the basis of having no income. You literally say in vows that you share financial assets.
If you don't want this, don't get married

I am post menopausal and never thought of divorcing. But I have a good marriage. Truthfully a lot of people don't.

I’ve not read the whole thing but OP I am 100% with you! I see the “equality” brigade are piling in BUT it’s not equality - it’s legalised theft and financial abuse by him.

No it's not. It's a marriage contract re: finances, as per the law.

He will have to work FT after divorce. The youngest child is in high school so there’s no reason he can’t work more and increase his own pension.

OP.... everyone can have an opinion, and share it on here, but it doesn't mean they are right.
There are good bits of advice here, and also some downright rude comments.
No one knows your situation, only you. And if you've had enough, and feel things are beyond rescue, then that's how you feel.
Get some legal advice to have a better idea on how you're future might look, before you decide what might be achievable for you and your family.
Good luck on whatever you decide.

I'd put his dirty dishes under his duvet. Filthy pig! 😂

Does he have his own equal(ish) income?

I’m sticking with saying marriage is legalised theft. It is so ingrained in our society (or was when I married) that few really see it as simply a legal contract. When you marry it’s all about love and hopefully a family for the future. It’s also seen as some sort of indicator of personal success and happiness.

That’s why people have a party. The vicar does not say: “Woman, do you promise to give birth, raise the kids, do washing and cleaning, go to work, save for a pension and a rainy day, shop for food, pay for food, cook food, provide sex on demand, yadda, yadda, yadda. Man, do you promise to get drunk, slump in front on the telly, leave unwashed clothes, plates and rubbish about the place, ignore the kids, squander the family income on booze, gambling or worse, then help yourself to your wife’s income?” Those would be truer vows and nobody would agree.

There is still a huge imbalance between the sexes in terms of domestic workload.

And leave menopause out of it. That was not why I had to get rid of my burden!

I’m afraid when I look back on my marriage I see a sort of slavery. I am free now.

Just be warned you say kids will be fifty fifty with each of you. But at the ages they are you cannot force that and they will have their own views and wishes. They aren’t toddlers you can just pack off to the other parent with a change of clothes. I say this from bitter experience.

I bet your outlook would've been very different if you hadn't been the high earner with a feckless husband though. If you had been a SAHM and he was the one with the big wage and healthy pension pot, you'd have been very grateful for the law that would've entitled you to 50% of his earnings. That's why it's needed, to protect women who aren't in your shoes.

The 19 year old is an adult so isn't taken into the equation. The 11 year old will be asked for their views.

Yep, you are 100% done with this marriage. dont spend any time or mental energy organising a cleaner, or counselling or any of that shit. spend every second spare working out how to get out of this as soon as you can. you are right. peri meno and meno bring everything into sharp focus because we have more time behind us than in front of us and makes you realise that pissing around with someone you hate and will always hate is a waste of limited life.

book to see a solicitor, make notes on things like income outgoings, contribution to mortgage etc. get the house valued and look at what you can buy locally. you need to move on as quickly as possible otherwise this will eat away at you and your will just become bitter and twisted. some things arent worth saving. this is one of them.