Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

[OHVanessaShanessaJenkins]

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

Assuming it's more than just clearing up after him and the kids which has you feeling like this?

Oh lord yes. There’s lots more than just that but it’s what is making me fucking hate the sight of him.

We have nothing in common any more, he bores me, I am relieved to go away with work but dread coming home to the mess & discomfort of being in the same room as him.

In your situation, I would make an appointment with a solicitor to get clear advice about what would likely happen if you were to divorce. Have you spoken to your husband (and kids) about them pulling their weight with housework?

How can you have the kids 50% if you work away a lot ?

He gets half the pension - and other savings

Is it just the tidying up?
Have you spoken to him about it?
The kids are old enough to tidy up?

I was the main breadwinner and it used to piss me off as well - I used to think that in the past when the man was the breadwinner women had to have everything ship shape ( I am not suggesting it needs to be this) - you need to talk to them all about what needs to change ( as the person whose work affords the style they live in you can expect more and should get more)

I think he would be entitled to 50% of your pension yes. I'm not sure I understand your plans for the house though? Would you sell up and split the equity? Would you both be able to afford somewhere new based on that? I'd see a good solicitor ASAP so you can see what you are letting yourself in for - I you can afford it, not being funny it sounds like you can, see one that charges a fixed fee hourly rate for the first interview (in my area around £150).

I'm leaving a 30+ year marriage, already started the process, I know I'm going to be hugely worse off but sometimes you just have to do the right thing by yourself.

Well, then, leave.

If he’s entitled to your pension, he’s entitled. He may not want it, but if he does you have to just be fair

It falls on deaf ears.

I agree that legal
advice is a good place to start.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will make things as difficult as he possibly can. He will make my life a living hell.

I need to be protective and secretive to minimise how horrific he will make every minute of every day for me and probably the kids too.

The 19 year old will be allowed to chose one house to live in, as you can’t expect a 19 year old to go between two houses.

yes everything is put into the finance pot and then you agree how it should be split based on need.

In a split the starting point is 50% each of all assets, savings, pensions, equity in house etc. But yes, definitely seek legal advice

So I’ve worked my arse off for over 30 years, saved, put the most into the house, paid for family holidays, made wise decisions about my pension and he gets half?

jeez

I don't know if you would get and 50/50 split if he currently does 85pc of the childcare. Would you be able to change job so you worked away less? If not would you be happy to have the children less?

You would get half of his.

Roughly entitled to half the assests, so pension, savings and property.
Sounds realistically like a wedge of maintainance paid by you also as your curently only managing 15% of childcare with work commitments.

Legal advice if you sure about it

I would be able to have the youngest 50% definitely.
I could work it through my job.

That's the whole point of marriage. It's a financial partnership. That's why if one partner gives up their earning potential to look after the kids they are strongly advised to marry.

Absolutely!

Equality

You hating the sight of him can’t be a nice atmosphere for your children so divorce seems the best option.

They're not your savings btw, they’re shared savings. That’s what legally tying yourself to another person through marriage means.

Better he gets 50% of your pension, than you spend 100% of the rest of your days with him.

If it was the other way round, would you say it was unfair for you to get 50% of his pension?

Is that what your child would want if they’re used to dad doing most things?

STBEX DH unilaterally decided to stay at home and look after kids while I worked. Out of the blue he left for a younger model. He is looking for more than 50% of the equity of the property, half my pension and spousal maintenance. He will get half my pension and spousal maintenance. I would not expect him to get more than half the property on the advice I have received. He is a bit older than me so will shortly retire and the advice is I will need to pay maintenance until I retire. Its gutting but that is the law.

He will make your life miserable, but that will be short term. Then you will be rid of him.