Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

[OHVanessaShanessaJenkins]

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

So be done with him as of course the grass is always greener OP...Next you'll be drip feeding about an attractive colleague at work - all so predictable

Yep I thought exactly this!

OP has been perfectly happy with him for nearly 30 years & described him as a “lovely man” who she “adored” but now suddenly he bores her & she can’t stand the sight of him. This change of heart seems to coincide perfectly with a new job & her travelling / being away for work more & more, funny that!

Yes, it’s very obvious! Textbook cliche actually.

If he fought you on custody arrangements as the primary carer then he could also ask for permission to stay in the family home until youngest is 18.
Im not a lawyer but given you work away, he could argue that he is the stable influence.
Id try to keep things amicable if you can. You have all kinds of things to lose and nothing to gain from an antagonistic court case.

You mention your spouse being home with the youngest while you travel for work. Even if he is working, you are still relying on having someone who is home every night. he is facilitating your career and your earnings.

I can understand you OP but my advise is to WALK through all things perimenopause.

It can be very distructive.

Keep things sweet and try to change things to suit yourself without rocking the boat.
Employ a male house cleaner for 4 hours a week.

A role model might help H learn some skills.

Delegate some cleaning tasks to the kids. For example = their own washing and one bathroom each to clean.
The nineteen year old should also be cooking regularly and both should clean up after themselves or have their pocket money docked or rent raised.. Teach the kids real life independence.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm surprised that in four years your husband has changed so much. Is there anything that you can pin point that caused this? Does he have an illness that needs attention? Need hearing aids, glasses? Have you stopped having any exercise time or adventures together?

Over the next couple of years you might be able to sell your house and buy two smaller units or buy a small investment house. Change and separation could be engineered to be less painful on the purse and people.

Why are people trying to talk op into staying and telling her how unfair she is? Telling her it's just about cleaning?! It's clearly not. She's obviously carried a lot of the financial and mental load for a long time with the housework on top.

If she doesn't love him and wants a divorce she's entitled to do so without being guilted. Fucking hell she doesn't have to stay miserable and doesn't owe any explanation for wanting out of being so unhappy.

I think op even though you know he will make life hard for you that you will get through it and be ok.
Your kids are at an age where they can make their own choices and have a say, and they'll see and notice shitty behavior from him if it happens.
See a solicitor, get housing sorted after seeing one, present it to him and make a sharp exit. Once you are in your own home you'll feel a lot better.

You've at least had your head turned if not in an affair already.

I wonder what the poor husband who was lovely for decades would say?

"I've worked full time while my wife worked part time and even stayed at home for years due to the kids age gap. I then found myself working full time, doing the bulk of home and childcare as my wife goes away a lot in the past 18 months on optional work trips.

I feel she avoids us and it makes me feel like i dont matter anymore now she has a better paid job. Was i just a cashcow to her all those years?

When she was doing more of the childcare she was working part time, I'm still working full time. Work is unhappy with me as I struggle to wfh and to adapt to being a single parent when she is away a lot. Nothing I do at home is ever good enough, either. I know she is struggling with peri but I am getting older, too. I thought marriage is for better or worse in sickness and in health. I know something is up but she pretends everything is OK. She mentioned housework but people don't break up over this, do they? We'd get a cleaner if this is the real problem. But it feels like there is something or someone else.

Her demeanor changes when we are in the same room. She thinks she is hiding her contempt and resentment well but it shows in many little ways which is hurtful.

It's making me depressed and worried about the future that I struggle to concentrate at work or get much done around the house. Hearing that my wife is plotting and scheming to divorce me and hide money and assets away which she acquired due to us being a team for years is a huge betrayal and a stab in the back,. How would she feel if the tables were reversed?"

I hope he does get 50%. It's the least he deserves. Good luck to you finding greener pastors.

He will make my life a living hell.

surely it wouldn’t be as bad as it is now?

Was i just a cashcow to her all those years?

Op has always paid the bulk. Hth

OP, your posts are confusing. And you sound confused.
Peri-menopause is havoc and hating your husband very common. Without wishing to be patronising, have you seen your GP? By all means divorce him if you must. But in your shoes I would go to the GP
Go to a counsellor
And only then go for divorce.

I was seriously contemplating divorce and then I went on HRT and I was so incredibly relieved that I didn’t. My rage was actually way more about me than him. For me, it was like a switch within days of going on HRT I fell back in love.

I think you need to get legal advice as a first step then take it from there.

Wow. How on Earth have I gone from explaining as clearly as I can about the circumstances behind my situation, to people assuming ( VERY wrongly) that I am either having an affair or about to!

I am a fat, frumpy , middle aged knackered, peri menopausal, miserable overwhelmed woman who has fallen out of love with my 30 year plus marriage. That’s it. The end.

For those advising around perimeno symptoms, I agree 100% and have just started HRT ( a few weeks ago) because I’m worried that’s it’s me not thinking properly, as this all coincides with symptoms beginning when I look back.

As emotionally I have “checked out”, the thing I can and need to have control of is of course the practical aspects, that being finances and future proofing. Hence my comments around this and the history which is relevant.

We both WFH but my job is interspersed with some travel.

There are some very nasty and unhelpful comments that have taken me by surprise, I’m not sure why there is the need for it when someone posts something that they have never breathed a word to another human being.
Can people not appreciate the vulnerability and that it is the first tiny step asking for help and guidance and that maybe ripping off their head is harmful?

There are also some very warm and understanding people with wonderful
advice and guidance, I thank you very much. You have truly helped me to appreciate different angles as I am navigating this dreadful time.

Op , MN is full of posters who totally can't read the room and purposely misread a thread just to be goady . It never ceases to surprise me what idiots are on this board . Conversely there are some very helpful supportive people so imo just disregard the few idiots and concentrate on the helpful advice .
And for those about to jump in saying it's just different views and opinions no it's not . It's amazing how people can interpret things so wildly wrong .

OP I get it. I also hit peri menopause and decided I’d had enough, then went on HRT to see if it’s me or him. You do have a rethink and an enlightenment at this age. Resentment also kicked in around this time.
Im still with DH but I’m biding my time, I’m not doing this for the rest of my life.

As an interim measure get a cleaner.

@hattie43 very well said!

nails it.

I am sure you are far too busy to have an affair. Most women this age are!

Good luck with the HRT. I am not by any means saying you should not divorce. Just with a clear head and the right legal advice.

Resentment at this age very common I think. But men feel it too! When the DC are young there is no time to think..But now there is.😉

If it's over ,get a divorce, you will have to accept that neither of you will have the life you have now, but that is what happens,generally speaking.Whatever happens re house,finances, pensions is the same whether male of female, so you need to seek legal advice and get on with it. Sorry to sound harsh,but if you were the husband saying this it would be the same.

So:
HRT, wait, give it time, might be me being not myself.
Get a cleaner… can I ask, how does this work in a tiny 3 bedroom, one bathroom semi when we both WFH? (when actually, all he has to do is put his dishes in the bastard dishwasher and clean up after himself? 😡)

A conversation around it just leads to an argument and him being just bloody horrible, I cannot win or get any points across at all. It’s making me super anxious thinking about this.

I am effectively pushing back after years of me doing it all. It’s changed the dynamic. Kids are older, more independent, need us less so I’ve found myself freer I suppose.
I have always “gone out” to my job, WFH is a new concept so I’m discovering things I would never have noticed before too I suppose.

Get rid of him, then that’s one less to clean up after.

The lack of oestrogen can make you fat less tolerant and anxious. I mean if he's an unpleasant unthinking slob then he just isn't worth stressing with. But 18 months ago I could have buried DH under the patio and he's lovely and supportive . I'm now on a full oestrogen dose and things are good.
How quickly does the dishwasher example get to raging row? Can you ask in a more curious way at a time when it's not just happened. I'm messy and don't see the mess, drives DH to distraction as he thinks I'm being disrespectful and not supporting him personally. But I'm not just incredibly distracted/forgetful/ unfocussed ....I lose things, loose track not work tasks etc.. Why's the real reason your DH doesn't put plates in? If it's a deliberate fuck you to his wife then you've got grounds but there could be other reasons?

I see it as pure laziness and much much lower cleanliness standards to mine.

He grew up in a very poor household with a house falling to bits with no one bothered.
He has always been leads bothered than me and I have always done all of the housework (as well as working long compressed hours in an extremely highly stressful job)