Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

[OHVanessaShanessaJenkins]

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

Yes, residency is what he will definitely take. It will be me that has to move out, 100%.
He will refuse point blank to go anywhere.

I’ve been looking at 3 bedroom properties in the area. Nearby for school and to still be close to my husband.
That way we could operate open houses for the kids to come and go rather than rigid 50% structured days/times.

I would not want our house sold, it’s our kids home and would mean such upheaval for them. I don’t want that.

Have you actually talked to him about all this ? I have been through really rough patches with my other half and sometimes going away on your own away from all the boring stressful monotonous routine and having a proper talk can help . Not saying it will work but is it not worth a try ?

Hopefully he does get half , he looked after the kids so you could advance your career. Now your nealy at retirement age you want to leave him. Only fair he gets half

You want a divorce because he isn’t cleaning the house enough? I’ve read your posts and that’s what it comes down to.

No, @MysteryBelle , it doesn't. It REALLY doesnt come down to that.

FFS are you hard of reading to come to that conclusion??

oh it’s the ‘FFS’ brigade. Haha.

It does come down to that and money. As I said in my post. Because those are the reasons op gives.

You seem awfully upset. Count to three and breathe.

if you stay married he would have access to all of your income and pension anyway so you aren't you wouldnt be any better off staying with him.

That’s nonsense. Mine has no access to my income or any of my assets, that’s the joy of separate finances. The kicker is with divorce. I’d be inclined to get out and avoid divorce and division of assets for as long as possible.

You hit the nail on the head.. rediscovered your career, peri menopausal (as if this wasn't blazingly obvious from your initial and subsequent comments) and less tolerant.

So be done with him as of course the grass is always greener OP...Next you'll be drip feeding about an attractive colleague at work - all so predictable.

OP, I felt almost exactly the same way as you ten years ago. I eventually left, he was very nasty, dragged out the divorce for years and tried to turn the kids against me. But now I am divorced, happy, with someone amazing and it was worth it!

You don't have a clue.

He gets half the pension, value of the property and savings

If you don't want your current house sold- he will have to buy you out if it or it will have to be sold, or you accept he can't buy you out if it and hand it over.

I think you know when it is over. I found myself resenting my ExH for breathing and I couldn’t stand his smell! I knew I had lost respect for him even though he is world famous in his field. We tried counselling together and separately but I knew it was over because I was so full of resentment.
I walked away, took all the blame and started trying to rebuild things with my DC who were told it was all my fault. Ten years later I am remarried, much worse off financially but very happy. The DC are adults and have understood a lot from living with their DF during lockdown! We are very close now. It was a very hard thing to do but absolutely worth it.
Good luck OP and try to remember to put your DCs interest first. It truly helps. If you both do it it avoids a lot of nastiness.

I think the promise of well earned pensions in the offing is what keeps many people together. The thought of dividing my pension is incredibly discouraging.

Does he know the marriage is on life support? Would he change anything if he knew that?

Mine turned into a cocklodger. He also, as he got older, turned back into a nerdy teenager. Main hobbies: computer gaming, and making Airfix kits.

He had such potential when we were young. But turned out to be a lazy shirker who wouldn't even talk about money, or sharing the household tasks.

Divorced him a decade ago, once kids were grown, and also I couldn't have afforded it before then. I am me again, and very happy.

"Luckily" neither of us had much of a pension pot.
He turned into an obstructive dickhead as soon as I started divorce proceedings, and wouldn't supply his financial details (such as they were) to my solicitor. So I ended up having to take him to court over the financial settlement.

Yes this is a good point

For those that don’t bother reading OP’s posts properly and assume her husband gave up his earning potential to raise the kids, please read this which I C&P from one of OP’s posts

He has never given up work potential. He has always worked full time.
it’s been me that went part time when they were both little to care for them around 90% of the time.

RTFT. OP was the one who went part-time for the bulk of their childhood, the H only took over for the last few years with the older child grown/nearly grown. So it's NOT the usual MN pattern of the man checking out of family life to pursue his career while the wife carries all the burden.

I’m not so sure he is entitled to half your pension. Get a GOOD divorce lawyer.
He hasn’t exactly had a hard life. Get advice and get rid of him. If anyone disagrees with you- ignore them because they don’t have to live with him. Also have a good look at anything he could have been upto on the side. Sorry it sounds cruel but a lot of men are sly bastards (I’m twice married).

Better out sooner than later.

Friend.

As others have said, marriage is a contract and whilst you can opt out, you can’t just ditch the financial repercussions that come with it.

That's why I'll be advising my kids never to do it. It was the most expensive financial decision I ever made. Never again!!

OP: I hope you can extricate yourself and the settlement is fair. It should be taken into account that he has not been the main carer of the children for very long, and that you were for most of their lives. Good luck with the solicitor.