Overwhelmed by the mess I’m in and can’t see a way out. Can you see my way out?

[OHVanessaShanessaJenkins]

Married for over 20 years.
2 kids, 19 and 11.
Im the main wage earner, have good savings, great pension due in 2 years.
Husband could not afford the house alone, has no savings and is not great with money.
we own our house, not long left on the mortgage.

Husband does most of the childcare for our youngest. Probably about 85% as I’m away with my job a lot.

Im resentful of his lack of fucks to give about the house. I am continuously cleaning up after him & the kids. Continuously.

I think I want out.
Kids would be 50:50 with each of us.

I would have a good deposit on another property, but couldn’t afford to pay the same amount for this house (the kids home) and support myself in another property.

What about my pension? If I left, would he be entitled to my pension?

Where do you even start to start again?
If you have been where I am and have come out the other end, can you advise?

Can you afford to split households and rent a small apartment whilst remaining married for now? Perhaps on the pretext of needing a break?
Are you planning to give up work in two years time when your pension is due?
If so it might be worth investigating if it's financially advantageous to delay divorce until you are no longer in employment and are already claiming the pension.

If your husband is lazy and unmotivated, how likely is he to pursue and pay for a divorce himself if you move out?

Please read all of my posts.

19 year old works full time, is independent.

11 year old get themselves to school and back now. I take them to a club one night, husband takes him the other 2. Not much heavy lifting there really is there.
I meal plan and do all of the food shopping, cleaning, All house admin. Pay for decorating & repairs.
I pay 70% of all bills. I pay for all family holidays.
Any repairs on the car, I pay for.
I have done this all of our marriage.

OP please do take legal advice and don’t rely on what is said here. I’m afraid it is likely that your husband would get a big chunk of your assets but it is not the case that he gets 50% as of right (too many posters here seem to have watched too much US TV and I’m guessing you’re not on California!). I’m a solicitor and while divorce isn’t my area of expertise the courts have a wide amount of discretion as to how much to award. They look at what is in the pot and what each party’s needs are in terms of housing and supporting kids etc.

It may not may not end up at 50%, it depends on your personal circumstances.

You need to see a solicitor to get advise on the financials. If you earn considerably more than him, he will be entitled to a good chunk of your savings, half the house, pension and potentially spousal maintenance.

Presumably she doesn't any more?!

@OHVanessaShanessaJenkins it must be gutting. Friend in the same position.

Yes it's the law but surely some consideration should be given into whatever each spouse contributed to the family pot!

Sorry posted too soon. If his career has suffered due to him doing the chunk of the childcare, allowing yours to flourish, that is taken into consideration during financial
settlement.

I definitely think it’s worth going to counselling, look if you do split up then afterwards then at least you tried and at least it would make the split easier and you would have talked out most of the hurt.

Give counselling a try. I know it sounds like hell but it might make things smoother in the long run. He can’t be happy either.

Op think of it this way, if you stay married he would have access to all of your income and pension anyway so you aren't you wouldnt be any better off staying with him. Divorce is the only answer if you are desperately unhappy and find him toxic to be around. Of course it stings that he will have a claim on your assets and pension but that is what you sign up for if you get married

"take them to a club one night, husband takes him the other 2. Not much heavy lifting there really is there.I meal plan and do all of the food shopping, cleaning, All house admin. Pay for decorating & repairs.I pay 70% of all bills. I pay for all family holidays.Any rep
airs on the car, I pay for.I have done this all of our marriage".

More fool you!

Has it occurred to you your husband could be depressed? What support have you given him? What are his reasons for having no interest in his job or domestic duties besides being a doting parent. Does he have hobbies, outside interests from the family and has he checked out too?

You seem rather agressive/defensive in your replies, OP. Are you all out of empathy? If this was a man posting about his wife, the answers would be very different.

Why on earth do people get married in the first place? Surely you know that people do not stay frozen in time for ever and you are committing to be with them for the next fifty years?

You say you have been together for 30 years. Were you living a lie the whole time? Surely not. Maybe the best case is just to slowly "wrap up the business" like two business partners who now want to go their separate ways. Civilised, so the children are not hurt or damaged in any way.

I think people have been reading all of your posts. You said he does 85 percent of the childcare. You've also been quite cruel in saying he bores you.

The marital assets will be split based on needs. As the lower earner his needs are greater than yours. What that means in reality is usually entitlement to a bigger share of equity and pension equalisation. People can then trade off equity against pension.

You can certainly try to work towards a 50:50 child arrangement but it has to suit the child. At 11 she will be increasingly voting with her feet. By the time you get a divorce agree and finalised it would probably be her decision.

At the end of the day, if you are truly unhappy, and have good earning power, plus a nearly mortgage free house, then cut your losses. you can get away and be confident a divorce will see your dependent child adequately provided for in both houses.

is any pension really worth fighting for? Really? Personally I’d take lower income and freedom if I was that miserable. In fact that’s exactly what I did do.

As others have said, marriage is a contract and whilst you can opt out, you can’t just ditch the financial repercussions that come with it.

I know I am in for a very very rough ride.

Trying to get my ducks in a row.

My little one will I think be ok with 50:50.
They have had me doing it all up until I took a new job 18 months ago or there abouts .

We need to agree so that we can have separate lives but still provide the very best for our kids.

Its the initial practical preparations that I need to get right while keeping it all together.

Many thanks for talking to me about this, I very much appreciate it as I haven’t said a single word of any of this to another human being. Apologies as it’s been an emotional avalanche of words that I have kept in for such a long time.

OP, I thought my formerly-lovely husband was lazy for a few years. He was a SAHD (our mutual choice) but our son had begun school, and I’d work a 12 hour day in a demanding job and come home to find him asleep on the sofa as soon as DS was in bed, with the bath still full of cold water and kids’ toys - I’m not proud to say that I would lose my shit.

What we now know, after some very tough years, is that he was deeply depressed and quite unwell. Every ounce of energy was going into parenting.

Talking therapy (together and independently), medication and patience has turned it around. He is the delightful, sensitive, funny man I married again and works locally in a job that fits perfectly inside the kids’ school hours so he can do pick up, tea, bath and bed. And as he’s working too, we now have a cleaner who takes the load off both of us. We have dinner together and share our lives and our concerns and he’s my best friend again.

I am so, so thankful that I didn’t blow it all up, when I was sorely tempted and thought I had every reason to be hurt.

Could any of that be relevant to you?

Maintenance is not the law and most solicitors will encourage you to make a clean break settlement. It all depends on how you work it all out.

You've also been quite cruel in saying he bores you

Not seeing this as cruel. The OP has come on here to describe her situation.

Agree with this, it sounds like he could be depressed and possibly feels inadequate compared to you OP although I honestly admire your capabilities. Does he know how you feel?

Your frustration clearly shows in your posts OP, but is it possible that there is something going on with your husband? I know you’re all of out steam with the marriage and feel done but with him being the father of your children, are you sure he’s okay?
The other thing that I do get from your posts is that you feel hard done to about the labour and financial division throughout the marriage. You say you’re the higher earner (now) so most married people would see this as family money and wouldn’t care who pays for what, yet you seem resentful (?) of having supported your family more in a financial sense than he has? If he doesn’t earn as much as you, why would you expect the man you agreed to marry to be paying the same as you? It definitely sounds like it’s time to leave as the resentment has set it.

☹️

Well yes - that is what happens to men in that situation!

You need to see a Soliciter

spemd some of that hard earned money and get very very clear on what this means

and yes he will probably be entitled to your pension

I think it’s critical you get your head around the financial side and make peace with it it early

I’m not sure that he is depressed or unwell. He seems happy enough with life.

He has a great life in fact.

What has changed is peri menopause for me.
This coincides with my feelings changing. I’m less tolerant, more reflective too.

I am resentful of the financial situation because I feel like a cash cow.

Hurcules you may be right. And thank you for sharing, I am so happy that it worked out for you. Such a lovely ending for you.
I honestly pictured us growing old together. He was such a nice man. Together in total for 30 years now.
A shame to throw it away, it really is.

I know your mind is kind of made up already. However, although my situation isn't like yours and my children are younger, I worked from home and cared for the children going on nine years.

Difference being I took on all the responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, house, washing, finances while looking after the children and working self employed around it all. It was exhausting but I managed, somehow.

Anyway, being stuck in the house all day every day and also doing your job there too bends your mind. I'm sure some may be able to relate with lockdowns. Not only that it's extremely hard to get yourself into structure working and resist that temptation to not work at all. Just one possibility there regarding that.

Also, if you feel he's going to be difficult in his mind he may feel he's within his rights and justified to seek more than 50% or even residency like I am.

Have you spoken to him about the financial situation? I think his thoughts would make you think about the situation differently