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Original poster

what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

183 replies

saltnlight · 13/08/2023 07:47

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

OP posts:

ZolaBudd · 13/08/2023 07:48

What does to call someone out of their name mean

secondly, he doesn’t help you clean. He cleans his own house- cleaning is not your job.

Whataretheodds · 13/08/2023 07:49

Why is cooking and cleaning your job, he can just 'help' clean? And looking after the baby is your job. He just 'helps' from time to time? Why is this not shared responsibility?

It can't have been nice to have been called a bitch, and it obviously brings up unpleasant memories for you.

Helphusbandmessedup · 13/08/2023 07:49

@saltnlight everyone will have differing views but name calling to me shows he doesn’t respect you. If youve told him it upsets you and he does it anyway then he’s showing a disregard for your feelings. But I’m very sensitive

sadaboutmycat · 13/08/2023 07:50

Exactly what @ZolaBudd said.

The term is confusing. And he needs to take more equal responsibility for his baby, his home and his life.?

JellyMouldJnr · 13/08/2023 07:51

He sounds awful. It’s one thing to say something in the heat of the moment but another to refuse to apologise.

sorrynotathome · 13/08/2023 07:53

I don’t understand what “called you out of your name” means. He was wrong to call you a bitch.

Thelonelygiraffe · 13/08/2023 07:54

ZolaBudd · 13/08/2023 07:48

What does to call someone out of their name mean

secondly, he doesn’t help you clean. He cleans his own house- cleaning is not your job.

Name-calling. Clearly.

SorrentoLemon · 13/08/2023 07:55

What do you mean by you have a bad attitude? What else was he frustrated by?

ZolaBudd · 13/08/2023 07:55

I didn’t know. Hence I bothered typing the question.

saraclara · 13/08/2023 07:57

I'd never heard the phrase before, so for others confused by the title...

https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/278515/source-of-the-phrase-call-somebody-out-of-name

Source of the phrase "call [somebody] out of name"

I was introduced today to the phrase "Call out of name" as in: She claimed the other girl called her out of name. I had to ask what it meant and the answer was "she called her a bitch". I'm cur...

https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/278515/source-of-the-phrase-call-somebody-out-of-name

sorrynotathome · 13/08/2023 07:57

Oh, I guess you’re American.

YouJustDoYou · 13/08/2023 07:57

You mean he called you a name. Well you told him he was incapable. And, you can't just say "I'm going out tonight, so can you watch the baby", you need to realise most parents can no longer just be so spontaneous once children come along. I'm with my kids 24/7 but when they were babies, yes I was absolutely shattered but I never would've said to dh "I'm going out with my friend, you watch the kids".

myNewName21 · 13/08/2023 07:59

You called him incapable and he called you a bitch, maybe don’t call people names if you don’t like it 🤷🏼

he should accept your apology and deal with his own kids

pictoosh · 13/08/2023 08:02

Not that it matters but I'd be far more insulted by being called incapable than by being called a bitch.

Spanielsarepainless · 13/08/2023 08:03

You started it by calling him incapable. You are both probably right.

caringcarer · 13/08/2023 08:05

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. He should be doing more around the house and be happy to have some 1-1 time with his baby. Calling you a name in anger is bad but refusing to apologise in the cold light of day is worse in my book. Until I got an apology things would not go back to normal. I would not cook for him and definitely no sex.

Yerroblemom1923 · 13/08/2023 08:07

It's an oddly worded post tbh. Are you in the UK?

Brandyb · 13/08/2023 08:08

YouJustDoYou · 13/08/2023 07:57

Why not? It's only dinner. I totally did this. It's good for men to look after their own children on their own. He's only done it twice this week. I used to love that my partner was so happy to hold the fort so I could go out, and I've always been happy to do the same for him.

Vgtasd · 13/08/2023 08:11

My ex husband called me ugly

aboutbloodytime123 · 13/08/2023 08:13

So you'd been out twice that week, then you sprung this on him when he got home from work? Tbh I don't think thats great, that would really annoy me too. You are obviously both feeling resentful of each other. I would forget about the name calling and concentrate on the issues behind it.

Keyworks · 13/08/2023 08:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jl2014 · 13/08/2023 08:24

i really couldn’t be with someone who called me names. Mostly because of the underlying contempt in it. Contempt will destroy what’s good in a marriage.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 13/08/2023 08:27

So you sprung on him at the last minute you were going out for the third time that week and then called him incapable? So he said you were a bitch? Don't call people names if you don't want to be called them in return. Maybe he mant to say "you're being a bitch" same as you meant to say "you're acting incapable"?

PuddlesPityParty · 13/08/2023 08:30

pictoosh · 13/08/2023 08:02

Not that it matters but I'd be far more insulted by being called incapable than by being called a bitch.

Me too. It clearly has more thought and malicie behind it than generic “bitch”. Tbh I think if you’re a SAHM you should be doing more of the housework and childcare, however your husband should also be contributing of course.

If “He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby” by your own words, it does sound like he’s sharing the work with you. I think to be honest if you’re dumping things on him when he comes home from work that’s not fair, you should be sharing that load or at least plan it a bit better. I would hate to be expecting a nice evening with my family after a day at work and then be dumped for a meal out or something. I imagine if it was the DH doing this, not the wife, MN would be up in arms.

When does he go out (not to work!) for a bit of respite? I think you need to both reflect on the balance of your roles and when you both have time to do things outside of work / family life tbh.

Janieforever · 13/08/2023 08:30

I’m not really aligned with the responses. From what I can see this was your third night out this week, short notice, and when he said that you told him he was incapable. And now you’re pissed he told you were a bitch.

For me, you’re both behaving badly

if my husband want to go out third time in a week and called me incompetent, he’d get worse than you got.

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