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Original poster

what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

183 replies

saltnlight · 13/08/2023 07:47

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

OP posts:
FireflyJar · 13/08/2023 08:38

But you also 'called him out of his name' so you are both as bad as eachother.

EAP · 13/08/2023 08:40

You need to apologise to him.

FoxClocks · 13/08/2023 08:42

Calling him incapable was an insult designed to hurt so it's not surprising he lashed out, however it's not great that he refused to accept your apology or apologise himself.
It's hard to say from the OP whether the set-up looking after the baby and home is fair. You should both get equal downtime but he needs to understand looking after the baby constantly is draining, especially if you are doing all the night waking. At the same time I can understand him not like having a third outing that week sprung on him.

BalletBob · 13/08/2023 08:44

Before I read the replies I just knew there'd be people frothing at the mouth ready to pick you up on your language 🙄 Mumsnet never disappoints. Anyone with a shred of reading comprehension would be able to ascertain from the context that you are clearly talking about name-calling.

Similarly, Mumsnet never disappoints when it comes to people's low bar for male behaviour. Being solely responsible for a baby all day is bloody draining. If my DH had come home and I'd asked him to take care of the baby on his own while I had dinner with a friend, he'd have been so happy that I was doing something for myself and having my own social needs met, because he knew how hard this phase of parenting was for me in terms of being the primary caregiver and losing my sense of self a bit. He also would be happy to spend a bit of time alone with his child because he missed out on this a lot when they were little and I was breastfeeding and at home with them. It would have been win-win for him. He would never have viewed parenting his own child or cleaning his own house as "helping" me. That's such an alien concept to any half decent father and spouse.

If he's claiming that he can't parent his own child or doesn't feel responsible for that, then I think the comment about him being incapable is just calling out his poor behaviour. You didn't swear and whilst it's not exactly friendly, you were at least levelling a true criticism about his genuine actions. Him calling you a bitch is bang out of order and what he means by it is "don't challenge me". It's not constructive; it's just something he said to hurt you. What kind of man calls the mother of his child a bitch, in front of their baby? For him to double down on it the following day, especially after you had apologised, is shocking and demonstrates that not only does he have no respect for you, but that he is immature and his conflict resolution and communication skills - vital for a successful and happy marriage - are extremely poor.

I'm almost 100% certain that this is not the only example of your husband being a shit partner.

ZolaBudd · 13/08/2023 08:45

Alright, Bob, no need to be so sanctimonious

BalletBob · 13/08/2023 08:50

ZolaBudd · 13/08/2023 08:45

Alright, Bob, no need to be so sanctimonious

If there's something I said that you disagree with, by all means let's discuss it. Calling me sanctimonious is just a lame attempt to shut me down, presumably because you don't like my valid criticism of previous comments.

A little bit like OP's husband with his name calling...

Fraaahnces · 13/08/2023 08:54

His unwillingness to apologize is a huge problem. This screams of entitlement. I would be doing fuck all to make his life easier for him this week. Stop all Wifebot functions. No laundry, no meals. Don’t even answer when he tries to play the game of “Have you seen my….?”
He is asserting dominance and you need to fight back.

Ohmygiddyauntie · 13/08/2023 09:04

You insulted him, he insulted you.
Sounds great.
Not.

AmazingSnakeHead · 13/08/2023 09:06

Everyone going on about her wording needs to get a grip, you know that not everyone has English as a first language and that different regions have their own expressions, right?

OP: I am with you. I hate being called names. The only thing that made my DP stop was me telling him very clearly that I would not accept it and if he called me a name again I would leave. It worked.

Thelonelygiraffe · 13/08/2023 09:08

What @BalletBob said.

You are both equally responsible for looking after the home. He should be taking care of your dc more when he's not working.

Sounds like he is incapable.
But you are not being a bitch by telling him so.

myNewName21 · 13/08/2023 09:08

Bob - are you getting a nose bleed, you are on such a high horse ?

if the OP doesn’t like name calling ( agree with you there, it was obvious). She should have apologised and stopped the argument at the point she called him incompetent, not complain about it days later, smacks of do as I say and not as I do,
the OP admits she had a bad attitude and is probably just as much of a “shit partner “ as her husband is

Naunet · 13/08/2023 09:10

Well it sounds like you have a very traditional set up, with you doing all housework, cooking and childcare, (but of course also working, so probably contributing to bills because that’s apparently equality these days), whilst he just works, and ‘helps you’ when he feels like it. He clearly thinks this makes him your boss.

He thinks you were a bitch because you wanted to go out for dinner, and that meant he’d have to parent his own child, why does he think that’s reasonable? Are the other two times he’s having to ‘babysit his own child’ because you’re going out or for some other reason? How often does he go out? In the evenings, if you’re there, does he leave all the childcare to you?

FlamingoQueen · 13/08/2023 09:11

Really? What an absolute knobhead - I would push him out of the door!

Gymmum82 · 13/08/2023 09:13

Anyone can throw generic insults in an argument and calling him incapable was designed to antagonise. I’m not surprised he called you back.

Id be annoyed at a last minute plan. We always ask in advance if things are ok. Because no one wants to be stuck with the kids alone last minute.
Him refusing to apologise isn’t great though

AmazingSnakeHead · 13/08/2023 09:25

Seriously calling someone incapable is no where near the same region as calling them a bitch. The second thing is a sexist swear word.

How would this exchange go down with you all:

"Can you look after the baby tonight while I go out?"
"No it's too late notice"
"Why what else do you have to do, don't be so incompetent "
"You're a fucking cunt".

Presumably you wouldn't all be fine being called a fucking cunt, so why is being called a bitch suddenly ok?

PuddlesPityParty · 13/08/2023 09:26

Naunet · 13/08/2023 09:10

Well it sounds like you have a very traditional set up, with you doing all housework, cooking and childcare, (but of course also working, so probably contributing to bills because that’s apparently equality these days), whilst he just works, and ‘helps you’ when he feels like it. He clearly thinks this makes him your boss.

He thinks you were a bitch because you wanted to go out for dinner, and that meant he’d have to parent his own child, why does he think that’s reasonable? Are the other two times he’s having to ‘babysit his own child’ because you’re going out or for some other reason? How often does he go out? In the evenings, if you’re there, does he leave all the childcare to you?

Tbh OP put work from home / stay at home mum so I would question if she’s actually working or if she’s a SAHM and she’s calling it working from home - if she was actually working and just WFH I doubt she would then refer to herself as a SAHM.

PuddlesPityParty · 13/08/2023 09:27

AmazingSnakeHead · 13/08/2023 09:25

Seriously calling someone incapable is no where near the same region as calling them a bitch. The second thing is a sexist swear word.

How would this exchange go down with you all:

"Can you look after the baby tonight while I go out?"
"No it's too late notice"
"Why what else do you have to do, don't be so incompetent "
"You're a fucking cunt".

Presumably you wouldn't all be fine being called a fucking cunt, so why is being called a bitch suddenly ok?

Incapable is much worse - you cannot be serious. He didn’t say cunt though did he fgs. She also didn’t say “don’t be so incompetent” she said he’s incompetent as per the OP, changing the meaning and intention behind it. But you keep stretching over there.

DatingDinosaur · 13/08/2023 09:28

This

“ he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.”

And this

“and his response was "don't act like it then" ”

Is the issue, not what names you called each other in the heat of the moment in an argument.

If someone had that attitude with me I’d be having a long, hard think about more than just the name calling – his conflict resolution skills are pretty dire. You were adult and emotionally secure enough to apologise but he is not adult enough to accept and reciprocate the apology, instead choosing to tell you “he doesn’t regret it” and then blaming you for ‘making’ him call you it. It’s like he wanted to ‘win’ the argument at all costs and won’t back down, even when you offered the olive branch (apologised). And all this when he knows you dislike name-calling.

Calling someone incompetent is about their attitude. Calling someone a bitch is just insulting and nasty in this context. A kind of “I will hurt you more” one-upmanship.

That’s the issue, right there.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/08/2023 09:31

Name calling, imo, is never acceptable in a relationship, you said early on that you'd not accept it and now you have to make a decision if you're willing to put up with it or not.

Tbh I'd be more worried about the fact that he refused to take care of his baby whilst you went to see a friend. Unless you're out every day or night THIS is unreasonable of him. Ask yourself if he'd be expected to ask you to look after your dc if he wanted to see a friend?

Naunet · 13/08/2023 09:32

PuddlesPityParty · 13/08/2023 09:26

Tbh OP put work from home / stay at home mum so I would question if she’s actually working or if she’s a SAHM and she’s calling it working from home - if she was actually working and just WFH I doubt she would then refer to herself as a SAHM.

Show quote history

I assumed she meant she was doing both, working from home AND looking after their child, but yes, you might be right.

GrumpyPanda · 13/08/2023 09:36

YouJustDoYou · 13/08/2023 07:57

You mean he called you a name. Well you told him he was incapable. And, you can't just say "I'm going out tonight, so can you watch the baby", you need to realise most parents can no longer just be so spontaneous once children come along. I'm with my kids 24/7 but when they were babies, yes I was absolutely shattered but I never would've said to dh "I'm going out with my friend, you watch the kids".

I'm pretty sure that's exactly what OP's "D"H does whenever he has plans with friends.

On another theme, so annoying to see yet another "he's a great dad" post about somebody who's plainly a shit dad as well as partner.

ZolaBudd · 13/08/2023 09:41

@BalletBob i’ve posted three times now saying I didn’t understand what that expression was, I think it’s the first post on this whole thread.

I don’t know why that’s a problem

IveHadItUpToHere · 13/08/2023 09:42

Bitch and incapable aren't the same. Incapable was a specific criticism of a specific action ie you're incapable of watching your child at short notice. Capability is tied to action.
Bitch is disrespectful of you as a person. It's not a criticism. It's a misogynistic insult.
I have zero tolerance for people swearing at me. DH swore at me once at the start of our relationship and I stayed in a hotel till he apologised. You set your own boundaries around how you'll be spoken to.
But in your case, I'd still have gone for dinner. There's no difference taking a baby for ice cream or a meal.

Original poster
saltnlight · 13/08/2023 09:46

@Naunet @PuddlesPityParty I work a full time job remotely simultaneously caring for my babe

OP posts:
Naunet · 13/08/2023 09:47

IveHadItUpToHere · 13/08/2023 09:42

Bitch and incapable aren't the same. Incapable was a specific criticism of a specific action ie you're incapable of watching your child at short notice. Capability is tied to action.
Bitch is disrespectful of you as a person. It's not a criticism. It's a misogynistic insult.
I have zero tolerance for people swearing at me. DH swore at me once at the start of our relationship and I stayed in a hotel till he apologised. You set your own boundaries around how you'll be spoken to.
But in your case, I'd still have gone for dinner. There's no difference taking a baby for ice cream or a meal.

Agree and to add, she apologised, he refuses to, and is doubling down on calling her a bitch.