what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

[saltnlight]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

Imagine a woman, both partners work, saying her DH has been out for two nights already this week and has just dropped it on her that he's going out tonight so she's looking after the kids at home again.

Some posters would talk about her being the default parent, many would say there should be communication not just dumping it on her.

Maybe it's fine for OP to have some downtime but maybe he didn't appreciate just being told he was doing it.

She didn’t criticise his behaviour in a particular instance, she called him incapable and only in her head did she merely mean he was acting incapable in this instance.

In your opinion. I disagree.

You told him at the start of your relationship that name calling was a red line and you wouldn't tolerate it.
Only you know if it's an isolated incident or if there are other things going on that mean this could be a deal breaker. Having a baby plays havoc with sleep and tolerance levels, so take this into consideration. I'd be more worried that he refused to apologise and essentially justified that he was right to call you that because of your behaviour. Which is really unpleasant and in my view uncalled for.

1. i've never heard the expression before but it was immediately clear to me what it meant so ignore the nit picking.

2. you work full time as well?? wow. a lot of the time, women just stay in a relationship so that they'll appear to be happy. The reason I left my relationship was because I realised that I'd prioritised appearing happy over being happy.

She IS the default parent if she is working and doing childcare at the same time.

She didn't say she was out two nights already though.

She left the house twice without her child.

Not necessarily going out, she could have been shopping for food or out for exercise.

Perhaps the OP will clarify how often they both leave the house without their child.

Combining working with childcare is not an easy gig IMO.

Happy to be corrected on that point.

Everything @BalletBob said.

men who cannot equally share parenting their own child ARE incompetent. They deserve to be called out on in.

and it’s no surprise there’s a high correlation between MNers who like to stick the boot in with their PA “but what does that phrase mean” whine and those who think it’s ok to call your wife a bitch.

How can you work FT and look after a baby?

Surely you are choosing to not put your child in nursery then?
And so you can’t really moan that you have them 24/7.

Both of you were in the wrong for the name calling.
You both should have apologised afterwards too but you shouldn’t apologise just to get him to apologise, you need to both mean it.
I’d rather not have an apology if it’s going to be a fake one.

My initial reaction was that he was being very unreasonable to not look after his own baby whilst you went out for dinner but you’ve already been out twice and going out 3 times a week is quite a lot and most MNers would be saying 3 times a week is way too much (obviously you’re a women and some posters will change their minds depending on the sex of the person going out).

It's interesting the posters refusing to see that 'bitch' is a misogynistic insult. It's not related to what OP did. It's related to her being a woman. And he used it because she asked him to watch his DC. Then she apologised but he refused to accept it and refused to apologise. Their actions are not the same. Not in any way.
OP criticises his action not his being.
He calls her a sexist insult.
How is that different? You can become more capable. There isn't any obvious way to stop a man calling you a bitch because it comes from sexism and lack of respect.

OP apologises.
He doesn't.
And he refuses to accept her apology.

OP was starting from a place of being reasonable - can you watch the baby for a hour or two? He refused. She reacted badly. He tipped into verbal abuse - and didn't watch the baby.

So he got to say and do what he wanted and didn't take any responsibility - not for his baby; not for his wife getting a night out; not for his language; not for the fact his wife changed her plans; not for how it all escalated.

OP took responsibility for the baby; and took responsibility for her words.

Be careful OP. Be aware if this is the start of a pattern of behaviour.

Yes, it does make sense. Its the same as if someone has not seen something and you say, ' Are you blind?'

You don't think they are blind. You are pointing out that they are not blind and therefore should have been able to see it.

It was obvious in the context that her meaning was about him looking after the baby, ie, ' are you incapable of looking after your child'. type thing.

believe you me, cooking cleaning and looking after your child will not automatically make you a good wife in his eyes. Men might say they want that but its not enough for them to treat you well.
Calling you a bitch was unacceptable and he should apologise to you. Having said that, deciding on a whim that you want to go out and he needs to look after the baby would probably annoy most people if (i) there is no prior notice and (ii) the balance of times you go out to be with your friends compared with him is out of synch.

Him calling you a bitch is the least of your worries. He thinks he's baby sitting his own son and doing you a favour. Yuk.

I mean it depends on your relationship dynamic but I have a baby nearly the same age and I wouldn't at the drop of a hat decide I'm going out for the evening at the last minute because I'd not appreciate it if my dh did that to me. If either of us want to go out it's no issue but it's planned with the other person. Calling him incapable because he says he's not happy doing that at short notice when he's already in a bad mood, when from what you've said he's a decent father is very hurtful. I don't tolerate name calling at all but I'd rather be called a b*tch than an incapable parent.

I'd also say there's been nights where I've been mentally a bit done and have asked dh not to go out because I could use his support at home. Similarly he's said to me that he needs time and space to himself after a full on day and we will accommodate each other in that respect. Thankfully its never clashed but if he's not been in the headspace (you said he was already frustrated) and then you dropped it on him that you're heading out at short notice I think it's fair for him to say that he's not in the headspace.

Clearly the OP is not from the UK and not aware of hen specific meaning of “stay at home M(o)(u)M used on Mumsnet. “Called me out of my name” is a new one one me- every day is a school day- but it’s easy to work out what is meant.

Personally, I would not tolerate being called any name by my husband as I would find it immature and aggressive and, frankly, take it as a sign that he was not very intelligent. Sounds like you and your husband need to have a proper conversation about this and make your limits clear. It concerns me the way you describe yourself as “a good wife” and talk about cooking and cleaning, especially now as it transpires you both work full time. It’s not the 1950s, stop legitimising such attitudes.

Anyone saying that incapable is worse than bitch is absolutely deluding themselves.

If someone called your daughter or your mum a bitch you'd prefer that than saying they're incapable? No you wouldn't. Incapable is not name calling, ffs.

I quite like the phrase ' calling me out of my name'. Not heard the phrase before but it captures really well how insults dehumanise you by removing your name (and person hood) and instead you are just the slur or insult. You are 'called out of your name'. You are not 'Mary' , you are 'Bitch'.

Obviously not ‘clearly’ 🙄

Bitch is a sex-specific misogynist slur. It's also an aggressive word. Incapable, is non-sex specific and not an aggressive insult. Not even remotely in the same galaxy, let alone ballpark.

OP, your husband is abusive towards you, aggressive, degrading and belittling. I would not take this behaviour and I would stand up and tell him this in no uncertain terms. I would tell him he is to do his own cooking and washing, until he is ready to reflect on his abusive behaviour and properly apologise. Naturally I wouldn't even want to be intimate with him either. He's an absolute pig.

I was just about to say the same thing, and if you think about it, it’s actually more logical than saying “called me a name” when you mean an insult and not a name at all.

@MorrisZapp for me personally- it would be more hurtful to be called an incapable parent coming from the person I'm coparenting with. You don't need to agree with me. I'm not saying it's fine to name call - as I stated its not something I'd tolerate in my house. I'm just saying that would be hurtful and if I said something like that to my dh he'd be hurt and react as would I. To me calling someone a b*tch is a rude, mindless lazy slur, calling someone incapable is generally something that's meant honestly and that's why I would find it more hurtful personally.

Does your husband know he doesn't need to be given notice to look after his own child??

I wouldn't ever be asking him permission, I'd say I'm going to dinner, I'll be back at x time and that's it. If he protests then just walk out the door.

Who is he to tell you, you can or can't go somewhere? If he wants to call you a bitch then you better start acting like it and show him you aren't to be spoken to like that. Stop cooking for him, doing his washings & cleaning up after him. He can f*ck right off!

I’d rather be called a bitch if I was acting like one, than be called an incapable parent.
I think being rude about someone’s parenting skills is below the belt.

I would not be happy with my DH going out 3 times in one week, especially at the last minute and just telling me that I had to look after the DC.

if you read the OP though, it sounds like a lot more than this happened.

The husband arrived home from work having had a difficult day (we don’t know why but OP does admit this was the case) and was told, not asked, by OP that she was going out and he was looking after the baby for the third time that week.

He objected. She, with her self confessed “bad attitude” gave him a long list of reasons why he owed her this, including calling him incapable - all this notwithstanding that he does pull his weight around the house and had already looked after the baby solo twice that week already. How many times had he been out in the evening without OP that week I wonder?

It does sound that what OP did was “bitchy” - a term which is used in respect of both men and women and means over critical, malicious and contemptuous. It’s not a massive leap from the adjective bitchy to the noun bitch particularly if the husband felt the onslaught which included the allegation that he was incapable was both unprovoked and unfair.

This is one where they both need to sit down and talk about what happened and what is a reasonable expectation of each other in terms of nights out alone and the notice to be given of this.