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Original poster

what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

183 replies

saltnlight · 13/08/2023 07:47

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 13/08/2023 12:31

Thisismyartform · 13/08/2023 12:21

I quite like the phrase ' calling me out of my name'. Not heard the phrase before but it captures really well how insults dehumanise you by removing your name (and person hood) and instead you are just the slur or insult. You are 'called out of your name'. You are not 'Mary' , you are 'Bitch'.

Yes, it's a really interesting expression, isn't it? I wonder if it's a direct translation from another language?

(And it clear what it means to posters who remained awake during their comprehension & context lessons in skool, surely?)

Stillcantbebothered · 13/08/2023 12:32

sorrynotathome · 13/08/2023 07:57

Oh, I guess you’re American.

Never heard that phrase in the US.

Blondebutnotlegally · 13/08/2023 12:32

Brandyb · 13/08/2023 08:08

Why not? It's only dinner. I totally did this. It's good for men to look after their own children on their own. He's only done it twice this week. I used to love that my partner was so happy to hold the fort so I could go out, and I've always been happy to do the same for him.

Show quote history

I dunno, 3 times in one week of "me time" (if that's what it was, not clear) is a lot. I'd be pissed if my husband was disappearing 3 times a week leaving me home to look after our children. Not enough context, but I'd be more insulted being called incapable than a bitch

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 13/08/2023 12:33

justanothermanicmonday1 · 13/08/2023 12:30

Does your husband know he doesn't need to be given notice to look after his own child??

I wouldn't ever be asking him permission, I'd say I'm going to dinner, I'll be back at x time and that's it. If he protests then just walk out the door.

Who is he to tell you, you can or can't go somewhere? If he wants to call you a bitch then you better start acting like it and show him you aren't to be spoken to like that. Stop cooking for him, doing his washings & cleaning up after him. He can f*ck right off!

So is he able to do the same?

Just tell OP he’s going out and just walk out if she tries to reason with him?

How often is he allowed to do it?
Every night or 3 times a week?

watcherintherye · 13/08/2023 12:37

I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend.

Spontaneity is a thing of the past, once you have children. You need to plan ahead. When my kids were little, I wouldn’t have appreciated being told at the last minute by dh that he was off out with his mates!

HappyCatty · 13/08/2023 12:40

justanothermanicmonday1 · 13/08/2023 12:30

Does your husband know he doesn't need to be given notice to look after his own child??

I wouldn't ever be asking him permission, I'd say I'm going to dinner, I'll be back at x time and that's it. If he protests then just walk out the door.

Who is he to tell you, you can or can't go somewhere? If he wants to call you a bitch then you better start acting like it and show him you aren't to be spoken to like that. Stop cooking for him, doing his washings & cleaning up after him. He can f*ck right off!

And if a woman came on here saying her husband just went out at the last moment, leaving her to look after the children, there would be all hell on saying what a horrible, abusive man he was, but because it's the wife doing it, it's okay? Talk about double standards!

whynotwhatknot · 13/08/2023 12:40

ooh he watched his own baby twice how nice of him

its not helping out hes the child father-cant belive some of these posts

Katiemag · 13/08/2023 12:44

OP, have I understood correctly that you work full-time remote whilst simultaneously caring for your baby with no other child-care?

If this is correct, this isn’t just a question of an unfair division of labour - it’s a totally unrealistic workload for one person. You are essentially doing 2 full-time jobs.

Your husband is living in a wonder land where he has no childcare costs to pay, minimal childcare duties to perform AND a wife bringing in a full-time salary. But how is this working out for you? Are you not absolutely exhausted?

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 12:45

whynotwhatknot · 13/08/2023 12:40

ooh he watched his own baby twice how nice of him

its not helping out hes the child father-cant belive some of these posts

Twice more than the OP did by the sounds of things!

it’s all there in the OP - he’s an active and involved dad who takes the initiative and does his share of childcare. He just quite reasonably doesn’t see why it should be assumed that he will stay at home on his own looking after the baby whilst OP goes out with her mates with no notice or discussion about this in advance. In the same way it wouldn’t be reasonable for him to expect OP to do this whilst he was out on the lash 3 nights in a week.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 13/08/2023 12:46

@HappyCatty that's not the point though is it? Her husband said he wasn't doing it because he "watched the Dc twice that week" utterly ridiculous

Justanothercatlady · 13/08/2023 12:46

Is he generally respectful to you or has this disrespect he has voiced always been there (through subtle actions, eye rolls, ‘joking’ comments about you to others)? Unless you can have a good proper discussion together this will fester and you’ll both be on the look out for future slights that prove your position. How important is your relationship to work on? This snapshot shows that he is disrespectful of you as a person and a mother. Other people’s opinions (including this one!) on how to be a parent (spontaneous is no longer a thing now you are a parent) are reflections on how those people judge / view others / their insecurities. You can only deal with you and those you choose involve in your business.

frazzledasarock · 13/08/2023 12:47

So you work from home and take care of all the domestic drudgery and childcare.

yeah I think you’re right he is incapable.

what does he bring to the table?

whynotwhatknot · 13/08/2023 12:47

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 12:45

Twice more than the OP did by the sounds of things!

it’s all there in the OP - he’s an active and involved dad who takes the initiative and does his share of childcare. He just quite reasonably doesn’t see why it should be assumed that he will stay at home on his own looking after the baby whilst OP goes out with her mates with no notice or discussion about this in advance. In the same way it wouldn’t be reasonable for him to expect OP to do this whilst he was out on the lash 3 nights in a week.

Show quote history

shes had the baby all week whilst she works and he had the baby twice how is it the same

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 13/08/2023 12:50

I’ve never heard the phrase ‘called him out of his name.’ Does it mean ‘Called him names’? If so, you called him incapable so he called you a bitch. You started the name calling as far as I can tell? This isn’t all on him?

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 12:50

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 12:45

Twice more than the OP did by the sounds of things!

it’s all there in the OP - he’s an active and involved dad who takes the initiative and does his share of childcare. He just quite reasonably doesn’t see why it should be assumed that he will stay at home on his own looking after the baby whilst OP goes out with her mates with no notice or discussion about this in advance. In the same way it wouldn’t be reasonable for him to expect OP to do this whilst he was out on the lash 3 nights in a week.

Show quote history

What? She watches their child 24/7 according to her posts, that is far more than a few hours he did on two occasions.

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 12:51

@Katrinawaves He just quite reasonably doesn’t see why it should be assumed that he will stay at home on his own looking after the baby

The OP does that all week. If she looks after the baby all day every day, why can't he manage a few lousy hours?

HappyCatty · 13/08/2023 12:56

justanothermanicmonday1 · 13/08/2023 12:46

@HappyCatty that's not the point though is it? Her husband said he wasn't doing it because he "watched the Dc twice that week" utterly ridiculous

You weren't arguing the point about what he said, you were saying she can go out when she wants without notice and he could just lump it. That's what I was challenging.

He also said that it was because it was late notice and not just that he had watched them twice that week, but you are ignoring that statement as it doesn't fit your narrative.

CharlotteBog · 13/08/2023 12:57

millymog11 · 13/08/2023 12:03

believe you me, cooking cleaning and looking after your child will not automatically make you a good wife in his eyes. Men might say they want that but its not enough for them to treat you well.
Calling you a bitch was unacceptable and he should apologise to you. Having said that, deciding on a whim that you want to go out and he needs to look after the baby would probably annoy most people if (i) there is no prior notice and (ii) the balance of times you go out to be with your friends compared with him is out of synch.

She works a full time job as well as looking after her child as well (that's a whole other thread!)

shams05 · 13/08/2023 12:57

So he's keeping count of how many times he's looked after baby on his
Own Forgetting that you work and look after baby all day?
It just sounds really petty to be keeping count. Of course if he's not getting any alone time he might be getting resentful but is that the case or is it he's just not able to take charge?

MumblesParty · 13/08/2023 12:58

saltnlight · 13/08/2023 09:46

@Naunet @PuddlesPityParty I work a full time job remotely simultaneously caring for my babe

Ryanair customer services?

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 12:59

Sueveneers · 13/08/2023 12:51

@Katrinawaves He just quite reasonably doesn’t see why it should be assumed that he will stay at home on his own looking after the baby

The OP does that all week. If she looks after the baby all day every day, why can't he manage a few lousy hours?

But from OP’s own posts he is more than happy to do so and does it frequently just didn’t like being taken for granted on this occasion.

The OP says in her first post that the husband shares household duties and childcare with her and also works hard outside the home. He doesn’t come across as lazy or a freeloader to me here and all this could have been avoided by some mutual respect and good communication

Thisismyartform · 13/08/2023 12:59

he had already looked after the baby solo twice that week already

What a prince amongst men! Looked after his own baby solo twice already!

The fact this poster praises him for this just shows how low the bar is for men. Merely looking after their own baby - by themselves no less- earns him praise indeed.

Mothers look after babies by themselves an awful bloody lot. Never once heard the phrase ' already looked after the baby solo twice that week already' applied to a mother. Let alone as praise. Let alone as a reason why they cannot look after their baby a third time.

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 13:01

BalletBob · 13/08/2023 08:44

Before I read the replies I just knew there'd be people frothing at the mouth ready to pick you up on your language 🙄 Mumsnet never disappoints. Anyone with a shred of reading comprehension would be able to ascertain from the context that you are clearly talking about name-calling.

Similarly, Mumsnet never disappoints when it comes to people's low bar for male behaviour. Being solely responsible for a baby all day is bloody draining. If my DH had come home and I'd asked him to take care of the baby on his own while I had dinner with a friend, he'd have been so happy that I was doing something for myself and having my own social needs met, because he knew how hard this phase of parenting was for me in terms of being the primary caregiver and losing my sense of self a bit. He also would be happy to spend a bit of time alone with his child because he missed out on this a lot when they were little and I was breastfeeding and at home with them. It would have been win-win for him. He would never have viewed parenting his own child or cleaning his own house as "helping" me. That's such an alien concept to any half decent father and spouse.

If he's claiming that he can't parent his own child or doesn't feel responsible for that, then I think the comment about him being incapable is just calling out his poor behaviour. You didn't swear and whilst it's not exactly friendly, you were at least levelling a true criticism about his genuine actions. Him calling you a bitch is bang out of order and what he means by it is "don't challenge me". It's not constructive; it's just something he said to hurt you. What kind of man calls the mother of his child a bitch, in front of their baby? For him to double down on it the following day, especially after you had apologised, is shocking and demonstrates that not only does he have no respect for you, but that he is immature and his conflict resolution and communication skills - vital for a successful and happy marriage - are extremely poor.

I'm almost 100% certain that this is not the only example of your husband being a shit partner.

This exactly. OP he’s out of order for not apologising when you did and it looks like calling you a bitch will be something he resorts to more frequently if you do or say something he doesn’t like from now on. You need to nip it in the bud.

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 13:05

AmazingSnakeHead · 13/08/2023 09:25

Seriously calling someone incapable is no where near the same region as calling them a bitch. The second thing is a sexist swear word.

How would this exchange go down with you all:

"Can you look after the baby tonight while I go out?"
"No it's too late notice"
"Why what else do you have to do, don't be so incompetent "
"You're a fucking cunt".

Presumably you wouldn't all be fine being called a fucking cunt, so why is being called a bitch suddenly ok?

exactly, the amount of false equivalence is staggering. Are so many women seriously ok with being called a bitch by their husband? Or calling their husband an equally aggressive name.

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 13:08

Naunet · 13/08/2023 09:50

So why are you doing all housework and cooking when you also work full time? Why is his job just to contribute to bills and ‘help’ with housework when he feels like it, but yours is to work, do full time child care, do all the cooking and all the housework? How is that fair? Do you see yourself as second class compared to him or something?

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This is how modern sexism plays out nowadays. Men want the traditional wife with a twist - she goes half on bills!

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