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Original poster

what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

183 replies

saltnlight · 13/08/2023 07:47

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

OP posts:
Brightandshining · 13/08/2023 14:38

The referring to taking care of his own child as 'watching the baby for you' would annoy me far far more than the 'bitch' comment.
You are doing well if you've been with someone nine years and they've never called you a name. Even my husband of ten years who is one of the most placid men ever to exist who rarely ever raises his voice.. once called me a bitch during a housemove. He did later apologise tho.
If you live with someone that long you will eventually see them at their very worst. Which sometimes involves them swearing.
But it sounds like this is not the main problem... it doesnt sound like your partner is actually stepping up and doing his fair share with the baby

CherryMaDeara · 13/08/2023 14:38

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 14:35

Who said the husband had been out 5 nights? Is it not more likely that they both stayed in for some or all of the other 5 evenings and shared the childcare/preparing dinner load between them?

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I didn’t say he’d been out 5 nights. But it’s obvious he sees childcare as OP ‘s so he has probably had 5 nights of not watching baby, whereas OP had 2.

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 14:47

CherryMaDeara · 13/08/2023 14:38

I didn’t say he’d been out 5 nights. But it’s obvious he sees childcare as OP ‘s so he has probably had 5 nights of not watching baby, whereas OP had 2.

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How have you come to that conclusion when what OP says in her very first post is this

“He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby. “

1967buglet · 13/08/2023 14:50

Katiemag · 13/08/2023 12:44

OP, have I understood correctly that you work full-time remote whilst simultaneously caring for your baby with no other child-care?

If this is correct, this isn’t just a question of an unfair division of labour - it’s a totally unrealistic workload for one person. You are essentially doing 2 full-time jobs.

Your husband is living in a wonder land where he has no childcare costs to pay, minimal childcare duties to perform AND a wife bringing in a full-time salary. But how is this working out for you? Are you not absolutely exhausted?

Absolutely agree. She is at home 24-7 caring for her child and working full time. No wonder she wants to get out of the house. She also apologised, he refused to apologise, and what he called her was far worse than calling him incapable.

CherryMaDeara · 13/08/2023 14:59

Katrinawaves · 13/08/2023 14:47

How have you come to that conclusion when what OP says in her very first post is this

“He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby. “

Show quote history

Because she says ‘I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7*

Sounds like she rarely gets time without baby.

SapphireSeptember · 13/08/2023 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OP did apologise, her rude H refused to accept it and then doubled down on calling her a bitch and said he didn't regret it. He should apologise because being called a bitch is far worse than being called incompetent.

Thelonelygiraffe · 13/08/2023 16:21

Tessabelle74 · 13/08/2023 14:31

You started the name calling by calling him incapable. You've been out twice this week, how many times has he been out? He works, you look after the kids so he deserves a bit of free time too despite what the Mumsnet martyrs say

I bet she's worked more hours looking after the baby...

And I don't think you know what martyr means!

Tessabelle74 · 13/08/2023 16:30

Thelonelygiraffe · 13/08/2023 16:21

I bet she's worked more hours looking after the baby...

And I don't think you know what martyr means!

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He's also looked after the baby when he gets home, she even says so. And yes I know what a martyr is, it's when you take on all the work at home, without asking for help or discussing it with your partner then come on Mumsnet to moan about it!

myNewName21 · 13/08/2023 16:48

montecarlo7 · 13/08/2023 11:12

Being called a bitch is worse. I wouldn't put up with being treated that way personally. I once left a relationship because of name calling. Next time it'll be you're a c**t.

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Well maybe he will leave due to her name calling ( something that she say so is a hard no )

myNewName21 · 13/08/2023 17:12

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 13:08

This is how modern sexism plays out nowadays. Men want the traditional wife with a twist - she goes half on bills!

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And this is also how the reverse plays out, modern women are looking for “traditional “ men to pay the bills but they are not interested in being traditional wife’s anymore

Original poster
saltnlight · 13/08/2023 17:35

watcherintherye · 13/08/2023 14:21

I still think it’s the ‘spontaneity’ aspect which probably triggered the argument. Most people like things to be planned a bit ahead, not for one person to suddenly announce they’re going out that evening. I’d find that really annoying.

he sometimes decides to go off and play golf and lets me know right before he does it. It's not really a problem, we don't always plan ahead.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogling · 13/08/2023 17:48

saltnlight · 13/08/2023 09:46

@Naunet @PuddlesPityParty I work a full time job remotely simultaneously caring for my babe

No you don't. It is physically impossible to look after a child full time and work full time. Not that that's really the point of the thread.

AbraKedavra · 13/08/2023 18:34

Once you call someone a name or say something denigrating you lose the high ground. It doesn't really matter which name is 'worse'.

Katiemag · 13/08/2023 18:47

myNewName21 · 13/08/2023 17:12

And this is also how the reverse plays out, modern women are looking for “traditional “ men to pay the bills but they are not interested in being traditional wife’s anymore

Show quote history

But I don’t think the reverse you refer to ever does play out. Some women may be “looking” for it (I couldn’t comment) but I don’t know a single stay at home wife who doesn’t pull her weight on the domestic front.

If OP was actually a SAHM (as opposed to a full-time work from home mum with no childcare), I would think her request was unreasonable and her calling her husband “incapable” was unjustified and inflammatory.

As it is, her husband is not acting as an equal adult partner and his behaviour is, if not incapable, certainly very much less capable than that of the OP.

Why are you doing all the childcare during the working day, OP? Do you earn much less than your husband and is your job that much less demanding? Is this a temporary arrangement?

crostini · 13/08/2023 19:42

You mean he called you a name. Well you told him he was incapable. And, you can't just say "I'm going out tonight, so can you watch the baby", you need to realise most parents can no longer just be so spontaneous once children come along. I'm with my kids 24/7 but when they were babies, yes I was absolutely shattered but I never would've said to dh "I'm going out with my friend, you watch the kids".

@YouJustDoYou

Why ever not? I'm with my young kids all daytime everyday. I'm pretty sure my husband can watch his kids a couple of evenings a week so I can have some alone time/adult time. In fact my husband told me I should go out every evening as he understands how hard it is to constantly be with small children, but I don't because I also enjoy family time.

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 20:39

myNewName21 · 13/08/2023 17:12

And this is also how the reverse plays out, modern women are looking for “traditional “ men to pay the bills but they are not interested in being traditional wife’s anymore

Show quote history

But that isn’t what’s happening here. oP does the bulk of childcare and housework and also works full time.

And most generally in most families where women work they also do most of childcare, housework, liaising with schools etc there’s a lot of research on this to show this is the case.

Not in every family, as I do know some very progressive couples where the man also will WFH an equal number of days and leave work early to pick up children but I don’t think they’re the norm.

And even for SAHM often they have sacrificed their income due to expensive childcare costs and it often has financial implications for them in later life. I don’t know any SAHM who don’t do the traditional duties eg. housework and childcare? It’s very rare for this to happen lol so I’m not sure how you’re saying it’s how the reverse plays out.

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 20:46

But I don’t think the reverse you refer to ever does play out. Some women may be “looking” for it (I couldn’t comment) but I don’t know a single stay at home wife who doesn’t pull her weight on the domestic front

precisely, they can say what they’re looking for all they want but it rarely plays out like that for any woman. That is just not the reality.

And to add I’ve seen it many times on Mumsnet where a woman has said a man, be it husband, father of children or boyfriend, has moved in and is contributing almost nothing to housework or childcare while he’s “out of work”. I’d say that situation is far more common.

PuddlesPityParty · 13/08/2023 21:15

StepAwayFromGoogling · 13/08/2023 17:48

No you don't. It is physically impossible to look after a child full time and work full time. Not that that's really the point of the thread.

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That was my thoughts too.

mach2 · 13/08/2023 21:17

When I was very young, Dad drove us for a family day out. He got his directions a little scrambled and Mum called him a stupid idiot. He took it very badly and that was the end of family days out. He resented it long after they had split.

Mum shouldn't have said it but Dad should have tackled her in private and set out his personal boundaries, and not gone on a year's long pass-ag sulk.

I do feel that the man in this case should apologise and express his feelings in a better way.

myNewName21 · 15/08/2023 07:29

mach2 · 13/08/2023 21:17

When I was very young, Dad drove us for a family day out. He got his directions a little scrambled and Mum called him a stupid idiot. He took it very badly and that was the end of family days out. He resented it long after they had split.

Mum shouldn't have said it but Dad should have tackled her in private and set out his personal boundaries, and not gone on a year's long pass-ag sulk.

I do feel that the man in this case should apologise and express his feelings in a better way.

I do feel that the man in this case should apologise and express his feelings in a better way.

but why the double standard?. Why should only the man apologise and express his feelings in a better way, in the same argument the OP called him incapable, surely the OP is just as guilty

mach2 · 15/08/2023 19:22

but why the double standard?. Why should onlythe man apologise and express his feelings in a better way, in the same argument the OP called him incapable, surely the OP is just as guilty

The OP has apologised already. No double standard applies.

myNewName21 · 16/08/2023 08:44

mach2 · 15/08/2023 19:22

but why the double standard?. Why should onlythe man apologise and express his feelings in a better way, in the same argument the OP called him incapable, surely the OP is just as guilty

The OP has apologised already. No double standard applies.

“and express his feelings in a better way”

why not
“and express their feelings in a better way”

both parties resorted to name calling, yet only HE has to express his feelings in better way, absolutely a double standard there IMO

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/08/2023 08:51

Name calling isn’t ok. Don’t accept it, If it doesn’t feel acceptable to you. Why should you have to lower your bar because he refuses to apologize?

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/08/2023 08:51

myNewName21 · 16/08/2023 08:44

“and express his feelings in a better way”

why not
“and express their feelings in a better way”

both parties resorted to name calling, yet only HE has to express his feelings in better way, absolutely a double standard there IMO

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Oh, cue the boy trolls.
please go away and read a book or two.

myNewName21 · 16/08/2023 09:29

@Newnamehiwhodis
In the opening post the OP states this

I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around

yet the OP resorts to name calling herself , if I was in husband shoes, I would be dumping the OP as she enforces her own boundaries on others but ignores them for herself, you can complain as my as you like, but do as I say and not as I do is a shit way to behave for anyone

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