what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

[saltnlight]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

If my husband called me a bitch I’m.not sure I could get over it. I know name calling is fairly commonplace in lots of relationships but it would be a deal breaker for me - especially as he knows what you grew up around. I know it’s not so simple as you’ve got a tiny baby and people say stupid things when they’re angry and sleep deprived, but unless he’s falling over himself to apologise I’d be fairly disgusted.

Fair enough but you can't deny that if a man behaved like this to his wife regarding going out with his mates for the third time in a week, the wrath of mumsnet would come down on him very hard.

"So he regards you as the default parent does he? LTB."

etc

Strangely enough I never heard it when I lived in or visited NYC but since then I’ve heard it many times used by Americans on social media /YouTube videos etc.

They have mostly been African Americans from the Southern states so I’m not sure if it’s specific to certain communities, but the first time I heard it I very quickly worked out what it meant by the context.

It sounds like you don’t normally argue and call each other names?

If this is the case I would draw a line under it and move on.

You felt he was acting as though he was incapable and he felt you were being a bitch about it, in the sense that you were making spitefully critical comments (which is the meaning of bitching)

So long as you aren’t regularly treating each other in this way then move on.

I certainly wouldn’t be ending my marriage over this

well we have to compare like with like and if it was a man who WFH full time and looked after the child exclusively during that time I don’t think anyone would accuse him of using the mum as the default parent when he probably has more time with the baby than his wife.

@saltnlight what job do you do full time whilst looking after a child at the same time?

Can you work from home full time and care for a child at the same time?
If you can do both, successfully, I’m in awe.
You deserve every night out.

Someone calls you a bitch and then says the next day they aren't even sorry about it is someone you need to get away from. Fast and far.

I mean, it's game over.
Don't stay with people who have contempt for you. Life is too damn short.

Marriage feels like a lottery, I say this as a thirty-something never been married woman but that’s what it looks like to me .

It’s scary to me you can date someone, get to know them be engaged and marry them and then boom- they deliberately violate your boundaries.

I almost prefer if someone does something really bad like cheats once but then is apologetic and remorseful, than switches up their attitude like this and becomes consistently disrespectful and aggressive.

I don’t even know what the answer is as to what someone should do in this situation, especially when kids are involved but it’s very complex that’s for sure.

@saltnlight
You might ask him how and when he thinks that you act like a "bitch"? This might lead to a discussion of how you both perceive each other's behavior at certain times.
The birth of a baby invariably brings a change in expectations for both parties. You may not think that he is pulling his weight, and he may think that you are exaggerating the volume of what you do.

Your roles have changed and you are no longer just partners or spouses. You are now mom and dad , and you need to decide how those roles are your to play out in " your " home

If you get those expectations in place , there will probably far fewer arguments and occasions for name calling .

My ex husband started like this. Then his insults became the things he knew would hurt me most — so “bitch” had no effect because I knew I wasn’t a bitch but “fat cow” he knew would hurt because I was sensitive about my weight.
Start getting you ducks in a row just in case he goes down this road. Refusing to apologise isn’t a great start.

This

I agree with all of this. I cannot believe there are some posters on here suggesting you were unreasonable to expect him to look after his child for a third time in a week. Last time I checked there were seven days in a week so why should he only he be so offended by being asked again, op was right to call him out he was acting like a twat. Then he has the nerve to be so offended by op calling that behaviour out that he calls her a misogynistic insult. To make matters worse, after the heat of the moment has passed and op has apologised he refuses to apologise back. He is a selfish prick op. Don't stand for it. Let him know you will not tolerate being called names and if he isn't man enough to apologise then he isn't man enough for you.

How would you respond if someone told you, you were incapable? Just stand back and take it?

This isn't the real issue. Yes he rather childishly retaliated....he could have been a grown up and taken some feedback on board but no one is perfect. However, once it was done, the real problem is his refusal to accept any responsibility or to apologise.

Let's just say op hadn't said he was incapable but instead said something like 'You aren't being very fair, it's fine for us to split the nights each week' do you all really believe this charmer would have just rolled over and taken it given he was so quick to call the mother of his baby a bitch? My dh, of 20 years, has never called me something like that.

I still think it’s the ‘spontaneity’ aspect which probably triggered the argument. Most people like things to be planned a bit ahead, not for one person to suddenly announce they’re going out that evening. I’d find that really annoying.

I would 100% disagree and say this IS the issue, the OP makes is quite clear that that she won’t accept name calling in her relationship, but that EXACTLY what she did,

The OP should have stopped and apologised there and then as she crossed her own boundary and yet seems to blaming her husband 🤷‍♂️

You say you 'never' call him names but then say you called him incapable

It was tit for tat.

You started the name calling by calling him incapable. You've been out twice this week, how many times has he been out? He works, you look after the kids so he deserves a bit of free time too despite what the Mumsnet martyrs say

Sounds like he has you where he wants you (cooking and cleaning looking after the baby), so now he feels comfortable being abusive.

I would tell him if he ever speaks to you like that again you’re leaving.

And stop cooking and cleaning for him.

Everyone is assuming OP has been out for fun twice already this week. But she didn't say that, she said he'd watched the baby twice this week already. This is the type of man who thinks he's 'babysitting' if his wife does the shopping or has a bath. I suspect she hasn't been out for fun twice already.

She's been watching the baby 24/7 for 7 months while working full time. Even if she has been out that much, she deserves it.

And all the shitty nonsense about her phrasing, I learned to find meaning from context in primary school. Were all the snotty posters off that week?

How pathetic, so he gets 5 nights a week and OP only gets two?

Don’t sell your lower standards to OP.

@MrsTerryPratchett

And all the shitty nonsense about her phrasing, I learned to find meaning from context in primary school. Were all the snotty posters off that week?

Their comprehension must be shit. As you say, I understood OP.

Who said the husband had been out 5 nights? Is it not more likely that they both stayed in for some or all of the other 5 evenings and shared the childcare/preparing dinner load between them?