what would you do if your husband called you out of your name?

[saltnlight]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, together a total of 9. In the beginning of our relationship I let him know that I will not put up with name calling as that's what I grew up around. (my mom's husband called her names)
Yesterday we got into a heated argument and I called him incapable (I meant to say you're acting like you're incapable but it came out wrong) so he said "you're a b*tch" I said "what?" and he repeated it.

I'm a great wife, I cook and clean and he helps clean too. He's hard working and I'm a work from home/stay at home mom to our 7 month old. He's a great dad, he takes initiative and helps out with the baby.
I'm not perfect, sometimes I have a bad attitude, but I never ever call him out of his name. All I wanted to do yesterday was go to dinner with my friend so I wanted my husband to take care of our baby, but he was frustrated by something else and said "I watched him twice this week" "this is a late notice" and I was upset by that bc I'm with our baby 24/7, I just wanted to go to do a spontaneous dinner with my friend. I expressed why I was upset and reminded him that I'm always with our baby. since he pushed back, I just didn't end up going to dinner. I ended up taking my baby and my friend and I got ice cream instead.

My husband and I didn't talk much today about what happened yesterday but when we did, I apologized for calling him incapable, but he didn't accept my apology and said he doesn't regret what he called me.

I told him I'm not ok with what he called me especially in front of our baby and his response was "don't act like it then"

It's just over all upsetting, and I'm not sure what to do now since he didn't apologize and doesn't seem to care that he called me out of my name. I feel like he doesn't love me because why would you call your wife that if you love her?

So why are you doing all housework and cooking when you also work full time? Why is his job just to contribute to bills and ‘help’ with housework when he feels like it, but yours is to work, do full time child care, do all the cooking and all the housework? How is that fair? Do you see yourself as second class compared to him or something?

What the fuck, and you work full time? He IS incompetent.

First, the roles:

It's the old old story that children and home are women's work, earning the money is men's work.

Yet you are doing both.
He isn't.

You have a full time job.
He has a full time job
You have another full time job taking care of family and home
He has a part time / casual job 'helping out' with family and home.

That is not a fair division of labour.

Then the fact that you do it more than he does means you're more practiced, skilled and capable than he is. He's not incapable, but he's literally less capable. I think your point was he was playing the 'I'm incapable so I shouldn't have to do this' card.

He needs your guidance both in how to do the essential family work, and how he thinks and talks about his role. It's nice to think 'I'm helping,' but he isn't 'helping', he's co-parenting and needs to get better at it.

Second, the words:

The roles situation caused the words incident.

It seems what you said came out wrong - but you still chose to call him a belittling, insulting name, even though that's one of your no-nos for yourself, and that offended him.

He has an immature way of dealing with that, and lashed out with a misogynistic insult.

He lacks the ability to accept an apology, or to accept his part and apologise to you.

He also fails/choses not to listen and understand you.

None of this is going to be a positive environment for your children.

This needs a calm, considered adult conversation. You both screwed up and it started with falling into the unfair division of labour trap.

You both got the split this way, he works out the house, you work in the house and with the baby. You came across a sort notice venue and he didn't like it because it was a sort notice and also he was tired of his day. You called him names and remind him all that you do in the house. Like if he doesn't know or it wasn't agreed that you will be doing it before. He called you bitch and he doesn't regret it the day after. He doesn't regret it because he think you are a bitch that acted like a spoiled princess demanding going out, reminding him what you are supposed to do for the good functioning of the house and calling him incapable.

Both of you are wrong but it was you the one starting the argument wording the stuff all wrong.
He is tired of you and probably you are tired of him. Newborn are exhausting give yourself, both, a break to get back dome good humour and energy.

Sound like the typical argument with both are exhausted in imy opinion.

In this situation I think incapable is worse, the OP comments that he “watched them twice this week “, whatever that really means, so the husband clearly is capable of looking after his kids ( as he should be), sounds more like frustration that he didn’t want to ( rightly or wrongly)

I notice that he "won" since he didn't have to mind his child, as well as calling you the name and refusing to apologise

OP, unfortunately for many women they only see the truth of who they are with after they have a baby.

It is not easy to work AND childmind.

I would imagine that is very stressful.

His name calling was very ugly.

He sees your child as ultimately your responsibility.

Don't make the foolish mistake of having another child with him.

His refusal to apologise is who he is.

He thinks you are stuck and he can behave badly.

In your place I would tread carefully and quietly.

Make sure that you keep family and good friends close to you.

Make sure you have a savings fund in your name so that you are never stuck.

Perhaps this is a once off or perhaps it is the start of you seeing finally, who he really is.

I am married 30 years with 4 children and know that we can irritate and frustrate each other.

But my husband and me have never needed to resort to name calling.

I would not be impressed at being called a bitch.

Particularly not by someone who does so little childcare of HIS child.

If he's calling you someone else's name you might have a problem.

But Billy did you ever has such double standards where you think is okay for you to do something, but not okay for you partner to do the same, I suspect not, yet you seem to gloss over this from the OP

@billy1966 always has wise words

^This. You called him incapable and even though you didn't mean it and it came out wrong it must have been horrible to hear.

I think you both need to apologise to each other and sort things out.

His refusal to mind his child because he had done so "twice" already that week and feels he has done enough is not on.

She challenged that with asking him if he was incapable.

She was annoyed but his response to call her a bitch?

Not acceptable.
His refusal to apologise when she has?
Not acceptable.

He got his way?
Refusing to care for his own child?
Not acceptable.

The above post is on the money.

There is a huge imbalance in the work load.

I bet he is very happy that there are no childcare costs.

OP, mind yourself. Burn out happens from juggling too much.

The mistake many women make is going on to have more children with men who have little interest in sharing the load with their first child.

Being called a bitch is worse. I wouldn't put up with being treated that way personally. I once left a relationship because of name calling. Next time it'll be you're a c**t.

Also he's NOT "helping out" with the baby, he is caring for HIS child.

Very little as it happens if the OP can't even go out spontaneously occasionally.

Does he book in every time he leaves the house?

I bet he doesn't.

You called him incapable, he called you a bitch. You are both as bad as each other here.

The name calling is bad, particularly as he used a sexist slur. You criticised an aspect of his behaviour in a particular instance. He insulted your entire person. There is a bit difference. You were specific in a criticism. He was not.

But the most worrying aspect is his refusal to accept your apology or to apologise to you. Relationships survive or fail on how well problems are handled. Both partners need to be able to make and respond to repair attempts. He not only completely rejected your repair attempt he doubled down on his insult of you.

That bodes really badly for your relationship.

Nope. Being called a bitch is worse.

She clearly didn't mean he was incapable. She was calling out the fact that he had no excuse not to look after his child (i.e. its not because you are incapable).

That makes absolutely no sense. Calling someone incapable of looking after their child does not mean you think they are capable or are meaning that.

Did that opening like sound funnier in your head?

He didn’t say cunt though did he fgs.

Your bar couldn't get much lower, could it? @PuddlesPityParty

But don't hesitate to carry on encouraging pps to join you on the floor.

I don't understand the op.

So it's ok for you to insult him but not vice versa? Personally, I'd take being called a bitch over accusations of being 'incapable' any day. That's just patronising imo.

You called him incapable first tho so anything he said after that was a fair game. I’d much rather a frustrated parent tell me they didn’t want to watch a small baby than watch them in that mind frame and god forbid any harm came to them. I think the only thing he’s done wrong is that he needs to realise he is this child’s parent too but your op didn’t come across that well to me you seemed possibly insecure and immature with the he can’t love me if he called me a name remark. Atleast he is being honest and saying he meant it rather than lie to please you and what you want to hear

I figured OP is American because I've only ever heard this from them.