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Original poster

Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

446 replies

Batima · 12/08/2023 09:13

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

OP posts:
BritInAus · 12/08/2023 09:14

He sounds like a turd

WhaleSharkBootySweat · 12/08/2023 09:15

That's awful. No one should tell you what you can wear. If he was saying it was unflattering there's ways of saying it nicely in an appropriate way. The comparison with your sister really puts the boot in...

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 12/08/2023 09:15

In an ideal world we'd all be loved unconditionally and what we wear wouldn't matter. But I'd be a hypocrit if I said that as DH used to wear these awful silky football tops that I asked him to stop wearing as they really gave me the Ick, so I can't hand on heart say I'd love someone no matter what they wore.

BalletBob · 12/08/2023 09:16

That's really controlling and weird. He's not a nice guy and I'm willing to bet this is not the only red flag he's waving.

7Worfs · 12/08/2023 09:16

It’s the way he asked that’s out of order. And the comparison to your sister would have made me lose my cool. His whole approach is thoughtless and manipulative at the same time.

If he’d just said something like “parents are expecting us to be more formal, would you mind putting X jumper on instead?” it would have been fine.

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 09:17

He's trying to tell you that he's not a fan of the item /on you and wanted you to (smarten up)? He did it in advance, not telling you during when you couldn't change.

Not entirely unreasonable, albeit clumsy. I would and have let my OH know if I thought he needed to unscruff.

BaublesAndGlitter · 12/08/2023 09:19

You're not being sensitive, he's being an arse.
It's fine if he doesn't like your jumper. What's not fine is him insulting you, putting you down by comparing you to your sister and essentially forcing you to get changed.

Enoughnowbrandon · 12/08/2023 09:19

Bloody rude.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 12/08/2023 09:19

It wouldn't be the jumper issue but the sister issue I'd be concerned about - what a horrible thing to say. Does he put your sister on a pedestal usually?

Timeforabiscuit · 12/08/2023 09:19

Does he have any other quirks? Controlling over other aspects of your appearance, how you spend your time or other hobbies or interests you have?

On its own, saying that one cardigan is horrible isn't a massive deal, but I it's part of a bigger problem then it is. That and the doubling down that it looks awful just before meeting up with people is a bit strange, was he wound up about other things?

Morechocmorechoc · 12/08/2023 09:21

I asked my husband not to wear a style that I hated on him. It made him look awful. I did it long before he was my husband though, I think by that point it's too late! He was sad to give up the style but rather I told him. I ask him about what I wear too. It's nice to look nice for your partner.

RedHelenB · 12/08/2023 09:21

BalletBob · 12/08/2023 09:16

That's really controlling and weird. He's not a nice guy and I'm willing to bet this is not the only red flag he's waving.

Not necessarily, he said she could say the same to him. And it is societal custom to look like you've made a bit of an effort when going to other people's for dinner.

Fireyflies · 12/08/2023 09:22

I'd also be a hypocrite to say your DH is out of order because I've criticised my DH's clothing and asked him to change something on more than one occasion. The difference I guess is that my DH will admit to having absolutely no sense of fashion (or social acceptability, tbf) but sounds like you had selected this particular top because you like it and thought it was appropriate for the occasion. In most situations you should be able to decide for yourself what you wear, though as you were visiting DH's family it might be more reasonable of him up be able to comment on what kind of event it is. You might also want to show this particular top to a friend you trust and ask their view.

honeyrain · 12/08/2023 09:22

I get a little sensitive if my husband ever says anything about what I wear but I also voice if he is wearing something scruffy/terrible/unflattering looking! I think it's natural for couples to talk about clothes they like or don't on each other or ones that are flattering etc. it is a bit insensitive to mention your sister like that, but I don't think this in general is a massive red flag or anything. Depends of course on his character and your relationship the rest of the time.

GreenKimono · 12/08/2023 09:23

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 09:17

He's trying to tell you that he's not a fan of the item /on you and wanted you to (smarten up)? He did it in advance, not telling you during when you couldn't change.

Not entirely unreasonable, albeit clumsy. I would and have let my OH know if I thought he needed to unscruff.

But the OP stresses that the jumper was a semi-structured beige crochet cardigan she describes as ‘quite smart” and in good condition, with no signs of wear. She wasn’t ‘scruffy’.

Naunet · 12/08/2023 09:24

He said you can tell him the same, so do it today and see how he reacts, in just the same way as he did, with comparisons etc. He might be fine with it, in which case I would think his comments to you weren’t meant to be hurtful, but if he gets sensitive over it, then you’ll know he’s just a dick.

Wibbleswombat · 12/08/2023 09:24

Ha, ha, ha, he should try living with me, I'm a scruffy individual.

Would not be happy with the "I fancy your sister" insinuation.

Have you had dc? I can almost hear the "you've let yourself go"...

RhymesWithTangerine · 12/08/2023 09:25

This is just marriage, though?

Unless he is controlling in other ways, of course.

I tell my DH he can’t go out in wellies. He tells me I should think about changing my yoga pants before we go to the supermarket. It’s the advantage of being in a couple. Useful feedback.

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 09:25

GreenKimono · 12/08/2023 09:23

But the OP stresses that the jumper was a semi-structured beige crochet cardigan she describes as ‘quite smart” and in good condition, with no signs of wear. She wasn’t ‘scruffy’.

Show quote history

OK, smarter then, not less scruffy. I think the issue is clearly that he doesn't like it on OP rather than it being fundamentally inappropriate.

He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it.

AlanJohnsonsBeamer · 12/08/2023 09:26

That's really weird, OP.

bellac11 · 12/08/2023 09:28

My OH needs lots of 'guidance' about clothing, so I often tell him to change into something else and I seek advice from him about what looks ok

My issue is Im never sure if he's honest about it, I would prefer sometimes if he said that doesnt look good

He's walking around now for example in shorts and nearly knee high socks. I said if the window cleaner comes you better move those socks down they look ridiculous.

Xrays · 12/08/2023 09:28

Unless you are literally turning up to a family dinner in a thong or wearing nipple tassels he has no right to comment, at all. Incredibly rude and controlling.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 09:28

Sounds like he fancies your sister

Xrays · 12/08/2023 09:29

bellac11 · 12/08/2023 09:28

My OH needs lots of 'guidance' about clothing, so I often tell him to change into something else and I seek advice from him about what looks ok

My issue is Im never sure if he's honest about it, I would prefer sometimes if he said that doesnt look good

He's walking around now for example in shorts and nearly knee high socks. I said if the window cleaner comes you better move those socks down they look ridiculous.

What on earth does it matter if the window cleaner sees him in knee high socks? 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Batima · 12/08/2023 09:29

@Whataretheodds I promise you it's not scruffy!

Ironically enough, when I was wearing it last summer over a dress at a restaurant, his mum complimented it and said 'that's a great cardigan - because it's warm and smart at the same time'.

And my DH heard this!

OP posts:
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