Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

Does he have any stylish brothers or cousins for you to comment on their style-and hint how he’s found wanting-what’s good for the goose?
Yes, although I boss my husband’s choice of clothes, I’d never compare him unfavourably to anyone else.

Why didn't you just tell him to "fluck up" ? And don't you ever dare comment on my clothes again, unless you have something positive to say".

...because only someone with a massive inferiority complex would say that?

Hmm, I'm on the fence here. I think it's perfectly acceptable to voice and opinion to your partner about the clothes they're wearing...but it needs to be done in a respectful way. Some people can take more criticism and directness, some are a lot more sensitive. The key is getting the balance right.
Tbh I really want to see the cardigan now. Cardigan and beige arent bringing styling images to mind, lm heady towards a dowdy frumpy vision. Maybe it represents the same thing as a stretched t shirt nightie. Comparing you less favourably to others isnt necessary but this could just be his example as you have poor taste. If you have an otherwise good relationship I wouldn't dwell on it. I might use it as an excuse for an image overhaul. If you budget is tight ensure he knows it was his idea that you glam up.

I think relationship dynamics are very relevant here.

@Batima your 'D'H sounds unpleasant, not 'on side' with you in. life and not acting in a well-meaning way. It's just another way of chipping away at your self-confidence and bringing you down a peg or two, so to speak,

you're focusing on the symptom (the cardi and his disparaging comment re your sister) and not the root cause (his determination to keep you subservient and always on egg-shells). I read your other thread about the disparity in your finances and that is also part of the root cause - quite frankly it's financial abuse and is a horrible read.

You're being boiled like a frog, slowly, a little at a time. The cardi is another notch up on the heat. If you continue to ignore all these red flags, you're going to continue to sink under his abuse. You need to wake up and see in the cold light of day what he's been doing to you cumulatively and insidiously.

OP posted photo earlier @JudgeRudy but focussing on the cardi is completely missing the point. He was unpleasant and unreasonable in how he went about telling her.

How strange. If you were wearing something very revealing then I'd agree but a cardigan for a casual dinner?!

Is his mum perhaps a bit snobby?

Comparing you to your sister is the worst part. I would go mad at that. Comparing you to anyone isn’t on.

But I think it’s fine for him to have an opinion on what you’re wearing. You don’t have to listen though. My DH has occasionally said he doesn’t like my new dress or handbag or earrings or whatever. I rarely give a shit though as I know better than him!

Also, I often tell my DH to go get changed as I’m not going out with him dressed like that. He does as he’s told because as I’ve said, I know better! 🤣

Ah yes thank you, I did skim this one. I do actually think the cardigan has 'ick' potential but you're right there are better ways to get your view across.
For me the concerning bit is that although in OPs opinion the cardi was fine. She went along with her OH demands for an easy life. She didn't do it to please him, it sounds like she did it more not to displease him.

@JudgeRudy She posted a photo of the cardigan ages ago.

To me it sounds like a tiny dig disguised as a compliment along the lines of

"you look so healthy" - you've put on some weight since I last saw you but you're wearing it well

"those shoes look so comfortable" - that must be why you're wearing them because they are not at all attractive

"you're so lucky that you can wear those cozy jumpers, they make me feel so hot and bulky" - they are not that flattering on anyone

"your new kitchen looks so expensive like a magazine shoot" - looks like you spent a lot of money but you have really basic taste

For the OP

"your cardigan looks smart and warm" - nicest things I can think to say about it but it doesn't really go with the occasion.

Compare to - that's a gorgeous cardigan where did you get it? You look so lovely in that, it really suits you. etc etc

It's possible that the OP's DH has grown up with this subtle type of criticism and clocked it at the time and suddenly in the car remembered that his mother had been critical last time. He still sucks though because he is making it all about how it reflects on him rather than loving and supporting OP exactly as she is.

Do family members really gush ‘that's a gorgeous cardigan where did you get it? You look so lovely in that, it really suits you’ at Ione another? And when you are talking about a dowdy garment, who would you be kidding?
As ever, these is so much reaching, so much projection, going on on this thread.

Does he ever say that you look good or that he likes what you're wearing? If not, tell him to fuck off and take his uninvited criticism with him.

Seriously?

God, the stylistas are spectacularly missing the point.

Nailed it. Well done, @wordler

I once mentioned to my new bf (now Dh 25 years later) that I didn’t like his cardigan, because it was for old men. Mortifying, looking back, especially when he dumped it. Cringe. I wouldn’t dream of commenting now except in a positive manner and I think your Dh was out of order.

Thanks for explaining @wordler. Must admit I struggle to understand why anyone would bother making compliments that are a veiled dig… just don’t say anything at all?!! But I appreciate you explaining and acknowledge this is likely a cultural difference

@MetaDaughter > '
' FOR GOD’S SAKE WHEN WILL PROPLE STOP USING ‘GRANNY’ to signify ugly and style free?'

Responding before I've read the whole post. I don't think I've ever seen the use of 'grandad' to signify a trope. 'Granny' is used in the MSM as a stereotype.

@wordler could well be right that the "compliment" was a veiled dig. But I still don't get why a grown woman should have to dress in a way that's visually pleasing to those she's going to see. We're not decorative objects, we're people! As long as our clothes are comfortable, clean, and reasonably appropriate for the occasion what's the problem?

This sounds more serious than a spouse expressing dislike for an item of clothing. He insisted she change and made her feel bad about herself. He also compared her to her sister which is bang out of order. He sounds really controlling.

He may do, but he shouldn’t get to impose his preferences on his wife.

It's a lovely cardigan.

The sister comment would've really irritated me!

Well not really as not everyone's going through her previous posts...