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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

446 replies

Batima · 12/08/2023 09:13

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

OP posts:
continentallentil · 12/08/2023 10:18

MissHarrietBede · 12/08/2023 09:53

I feel he fancies her sister and is projecting, as he cannot imagine sister in a beige cardi, so OP is spoiling his fantasy of having OP as a sister clone.

Well this is quite the reach PP - or are you deliberately causing trouble?!

The cardigan is fine OP - but fine is probably it. He could have been more tactful though.

TangledRoots · 12/08/2023 10:18

Maybe his mum is passive aggressive and when he heard his mum making a comment about it last time, he knew she was being an a-hole, not giving a compliment and he doesn’t want OP to wear it again in front of her.

whynotwhatknot · 12/08/2023 10:18

theyre going for the weekend to his mums house not to a posh dinner a tthe ritz

the cardigan is fine if he doesnt like it tough

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 12/08/2023 10:19

I don't like the cardigan but it's not horrible and if someone wore it I wouldn't think they should change it because I thought it was bad.

Husband sounds like a moron but id be more bothered about how he bigs up the sister.

thirdfiddle · 12/08/2023 10:19

Hmm, in general I think I'd trust DH to know the expected degree of smartness for a meeting with his family. If it's my family he'll ask me and if it's his family I'll ask him. Even after 20+ years.

In specific I'm not seeing the problem with the cardi. What was the one he wanted you to wear instead?

midsomermurderess · 12/08/2023 10:19

@RitzyMcFitzy Are you still drunk from last night?

bellac11 · 12/08/2023 10:19

MrsRachelDanvers · 12/08/2023 10:17

I’ve just seen the picture-how old are you? If you’re my age (60), I’d let it go but if not, it’s kind of old lady style so can see why he hates it. He obviously likes other clothes you’ve got so I really do think it’s all about the cardigan! I hate to see my husband dress like an old man (even though he is🤣) so I just tell him he’s only allowed to wear some clothes at the allotment!

Yes this, just become someone gets older it doesnt mean they have to look like they stepped out the 50s which is where my OH would be going if I didnt direct him enough. He doesnt even know how to cut his hair so that its flattering and he wont visit a barber, so I make sure I do it so that its shaped and layered, silver fox stylee.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/08/2023 10:20

Your husband went out about it in the wrong way but that cardi isn’t flattering on anyone. Dowdy and old fashioned.

think about things other than ‘usefulness’ when buying yourself clothes OP, live a little!

Awittyfool · 12/08/2023 10:20

The two choices are that he’s a dick or that he doesn’t like the cardi probably because he has an idea of how it presents you.
I think it’s a pretty ugly cardi in a non edgy way. However I probably wouldn’t say anything unless it was a specific occasion and I knew you had something better/ more appropriate to wear. Which I guess he did.

andasthedaysgoby · 12/08/2023 10:20

Upsizer · 12/08/2023 10:09

I know those things are fashionable but I think it’s totally ugly and something a very old lady would wear. Yes I get that is because fashion goes cycles. But it’s ghastly.

I think YABU

Noce example of casual ageism there 🙄

MrsFiddle · 12/08/2023 10:20

I will tell my H that something he is wearing is maybe not correct for the occasion so I can't criticise. The sister comment is a bit off and the comment about stopping and buying you something new is ridiculous! The actual photo of it is not as bad as your description . What were you wearing it with? How do you feel in general about your appearance? Is this the first time he has said anything like this?

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 10:21

It's fashionable and I can see it would be comfortable and versatile.

IMO it's no more structured than any cardigan and it's not 'smart' as you described it, but fine for a casual meal with family.

I'm not surprised a straight man doesn't like it or think it's flattering.

You're entitled to wear it, he's entitled to his opinion.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/08/2023 10:21

The ONLY time DH has ever asked me to change was when I accidentally dressed the same as him.
Before we lived together, he'd come round to mine to pick me up and take me to a family BBQ and I walked out wearing a green checky button down shirt, blue jeans and brown boots. He was also wearing a green checky button down shirt, blue jeans and brown boots.
When we realised I said we can't go in matching outfits and he asked if I could change because he didn't have time to go home.

If he ever asked me to change because he didn't like my clothes he would be told exactly how to fuck the fuck off.

hellywelly3 · 12/08/2023 10:21

The comparison to your sister would be the be that got to me, I find that strange. There’s certain clothes my DH wears that I think are bloody awful and he knows my feelings but wouldn’t change just because I didn’t like it. We just laugh about it.

MetaDaughter · 12/08/2023 10:22

It's a perfectly good cardigan and fuck the posters who say it's not flattering etc, etc.

But why, @echt? I’ve said twice now that how OP should take her husband’s words depends on the general state of their relationship. Of course if he’s finding fault with her all the time and doesn’t appear to enjoy being married to her, that’s one thing. If they have a generally good relationship then his opinion on a cardigan could be taken more at face value.

Had I been OP’s friend, and she asked my opinion, I would have said exactly what I’ve written above. I wouldn’t have included the comment on her sister’s wardrobe - that part was definitely worrying.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 12/08/2023 10:22

I police my husband's clothes all the time!
And he tells me if he hates something or if it looks awful. You're married- it's not something to get offended about!

Fightwithmyface · 12/08/2023 10:22

I think it’s polite to look like you’ve made an effort when going over to someone’s for lunch/dinner as they’ve made the effort to have you. Maybe your DH though you looked like you hadn’t bothered.

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 10:23

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/08/2023 10:21

The ONLY time DH has ever asked me to change was when I accidentally dressed the same as him.
Before we lived together, he'd come round to mine to pick me up and take me to a family BBQ and I walked out wearing a green checky button down shirt, blue jeans and brown boots. He was also wearing a green checky button down shirt, blue jeans and brown boots.
When we realised I said we can't go in matching outfits and he asked if I could change because he didn't have time to go home.

If he ever asked me to change because he didn't like my clothes he would be told exactly how to fuck the fuck off.

That is very funny @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea 🤣🤣

it would have been hilarious if your turned up dressed the same.

Picklewicklepickle · 12/08/2023 10:24

If he was actually bothered about OP’s feelings he wouldn’t have waited till they were part-way through the car journey to say it. He could have done this at home.

He also wouldn’t have compared her to her sister.

It’s timed and designed to make her feel insecure before a social occasion rather than try and improve her appearance.

Upsizer · 12/08/2023 10:24

andasthedaysgoby · 12/08/2023 10:20

Noce example of casual ageism there 🙄

Not at all: we tend to hate the styles that “grannies” wore when we were kids. My own young adult dc often dress like dirty old uncles from the 70s but that’s the cool thing now.

if your DH is over-40 he will probably associate this style with grannies too.

Jeez I’m old lady now and my kids think my style is hilariously bad. My eyebrows are the butt of jokes.

CapEBarra · 12/08/2023 10:24

OP, you were wearing a beige crochet cardigan so yes, there was a fair chance he wasn’t going to like it - because it’s a beige crochet cardigan and you’ll look like you’re wearing a lumpy hearing aid. However, he could have been a lot more polite about it and not invoked your sister. That was out of order.

ChestnutGrove · 12/08/2023 10:24

The cardi is fine but it sounds like you've worn it too much and he's got tired of it. You said you've worn it loads and he's never said anything before

ActDottie · 12/08/2023 10:26

The moment my husband starts commenting on my clothing choices unless I’ve got my arse hanging out or it’s see through! Is the moment I reconsider our marriage. You should be free to wear what you want without comments from your husband.

Shellingbynight · 12/08/2023 10:26

I have a similar cardigan and I love it and wear it a lot, but I have to admit it is a bit drab. But that's my choice to make.

The way (and time) your husband phrased his dislike was wrong. He should have mentioned it in a more pleasant way before you left the house, and delete the mention of your sister. And of course you're free to disagree and wear it anyway. I doubt his parents would care either way.

DaggerIsle · 12/08/2023 10:27

Not liking what you’re wearing happens. But stopping the car and forcing her to get changed is shocking.
As for the comparison with your sister? Call me immature, but my response to that would be, ‘why aren’t you married to her, then’