Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

@Batima

Actually I think it's a pretty top and, as you say, a good item to throw over something, eg, a top when it starts getting chilly. 🌹

So you’re still missing the point, even with this knowledge?

I asked the OP earlier if she was in a controlling relationship, because I was concerned that this post was just part of a bigger picture.

She has previously given us details which confirm that indeed she is.

Do you all still want to continue effectively gaslighting her into accepting that his behaviour is acceptable?

I agree with @daisychain01 and @EbiRaisukaree.

@Batima, your other recent thread spells out loud and clear that you are being subjugated and financially abused by this narcissistic, controlling man.

I think your crocheted cardigan is very nice, and most importantly, it’s what you chose to wear. His requiring you to change and contemptuously comparing you to his idol, your sister, were two more of his manipulative tactics meant to coerce and humiliate you.

This guy enjoys keeping you off-balance. His wants/needs are front and center, and he expects you to comply with them, regardless of your boundaries and feelings.

@Batima, I strongly advise you to get away from him before you are diminished beyond recognition. You may need the support of IC to do so.

@EbiRaisukaree way to twist words to suit your agenda!

I'm simply saying people aren't despicable for not being mind readers.

I don’t have an agenda beyond trying to help the OP, since that’s what she posted for.

But, crucially she didn't provide you (by replying) or us with those details. Posters can provide context and updates on their own posts. If they don't provide that context despite being asked multiple times, thereby leading posters to reach conclusions that aren't reflective of the entire situation, that's on them, and maybe it's because they don't think it relevant, or want people to jump to assumptions. Posters are not to blame for taking the post in a stand-alone context.

Some people have the ability to look up a posters previous threads, but frankly, I always find this rude if the Poster has chosen not to include it. Besides which, the the context of said thread may in itself have been slanted by bias. Do you expect posters to reread all the previous threads a poster has posted before reading and giving an opinion?

Also get off your high horse. People can give their opinions without 'nice' people like yourself insulting them. Previous posters have made the argument you're making, only with a lot more tact and finesse and guess what, still have the right to conclude differently from you.

I know it's hard for people like you to accept without resorting to name calling. But there it is.

@DysonSpheres imho I don't believe the OP truly accepts that there isn't an important link between the cardi comment and the other aspects of their relationship. We often see this happening (sadly) on the Relationships board. An OP will make 2+ individual threads asking for opinions on various seemingly innocuous and isolated incident, what's missing is the joined-upness, the big picture.

It can feel frustrating to spend time analysing and supporting with the focus on individual isolated incidents, when as I pointed out upthread, those are just symptoms of a dysfunctional relationship. Fixing the cardi problem, doesn't fix the root cause of the problem, the narcissism, the desire to keep a person on tenderhooks, to control, to dominate over, the intentionally harmful behaviours that underlie each of the micro aggressions the victim of abuse is subjected to.

I've come to realise that these threads sometimes come with a massive backstory. If the OP of such threads aren't willing or feel it's disloyal to give any hint of other issues going on, they wont resolve the problem, they'll just create numerous disconnected threads, it will just go round in circles and they won't get to face up to the ugly truth because it's undoubtedly overwhelming for them.

Great post.

In future I shall proceed more cautiously on relationship threads.

I saw a woman wearing this today in Edinburgh! Was it you @Batima ?

Just to say, it appears I am in the minority here, but if a partner told me what to wear or objected to my clothes I would dump him. No debate on that. If that means I end up alone so be it. It is sadly seen as 'normal' in a lot of couples to 'help' the other person be the 'best version' of themselves. No. The best version of yourself is as an adult with autonomy who dresses yourself and makes your own choices. Being told what to wear is not a necessary part of being married. You are a separate human. Your partner does not own your image and get to control how you look so you reflect positively on them. In fifty years society will have moved on and commenting on your partner's clothes will have become absolutely unacceptable.

Interesting thread.

it seems it’s appropriate for women to tell men what they can’t wear, but not the other way round.

not commenting on the Op specially as it does seem like there’s more to it than one event

so instead, we’ll lecture others on how to conduct their intimate relationships.

Nope you’re not alone. I completely agree with you. Married 15 years and dh and I wouldn’t dream of telling each other what to wear etc.

Thank you!

Haha afraid that was not me, @MrsFiddle!

Hi @DysonSpheres , @EbiRaisukaree and @daisychain01

Yes that's right - I had previously started a different thread, about finance issues with my husband. I didn't refer to that in my OP because I wanted to get an idea of other people's views of this as a stand-alone event, independent of anything else. Because taken on its own, it seems it isn't necessarily a problem for someone to not like what their partner is wearing - but I imagine that those who would tell their partners to get changed would do it with more sensitivity and wouldn't compare them to their sibling.

Do you know how mental this is? 😂Me in Edinburgh in masses of people at the Fringe and I see a woman with this on in all the crowds. She had a red small floral print dress on with it and it looked good!

I with you @Hardly123 and @Xrays

When I was young women would talk about how they had to get their new boyfriends to dress differently and I felt so inadequate because I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t understand why you would start going out with someone then immediately try to change them. I also found it infantilising toward the other partner. If they were stinky or dirty I would say something but then I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who was stinky or dirty.

Where’s the lecture?

I completely agree with you. If there's a hygiene difficulty that's one thing. However, otherwise, dressing is a matter of taste, it's not for me to decide another adult's taste for them. Plus, where's the joy in discovering who your partner really is and what they like? That's part of the fun of a relationship. I hope you don't feel inadequate now as you certainly shouldn't in my view. There's a lot of conversations that I hear some of my friends having about their partners still that I feel uncomfortable about, it can be very demeaning to another person to constantly be moulding them in that way. Thanks for responding :)

I’ve suggested my husband wears other things sometimes and if he did the same to me, which he has I have obliged. I think it’s the way it’s done that is important. It is always suggested and not demanded. I would, however, be very annoyed at the unfavourable comparison with my sister.