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Original poster

Im so sad I’ll never have sex again

212 replies

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 21:41

My partner has made it clear they don’t want to have sex with me anymore.
i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is.
They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore and they’re not interested in having sex.
But I’m really sad about it, all the same.

OP posts:
Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 11:56

I would like to think on MN that whether the OP is a man or a woman we would respond the same in an unbiased way.
If OP believes differently and as such Wants to hide the fact then at the beginning of the post a simple
’ to keep it clear I don’t want to say whether I’m a man or a women to get an unbiased response’ then that’s all that needs to be said. Then everything is clear.
As it is we don’t know if there are several partners or if OP has decided to make it unclear what sex they are.
OP can post whatever they want, this is an anonymous forum but this thread lacks clarity.

Meanwhile PPs have assumed this is a gender issue. When it may not be.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 11:59

How many partners?

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2023 12:04

I'm not sure why people are latching on to this. Does it matter? Will people give different advice if the OP is a woman e.g. LTB or if she's a man will it be how dare you expect sex.
I think it does matter on some topics.

For example a woman who has had a traumatic birth and has gone on to feel like they don't want sex is probably going to warrant different advice from a man who no longer wants sex due to erectile issues, which may be part of underlying health issues. A woman who is off sex but is touched out and doing the vast majority of the childcare and housework whilst her husband does nothing but complain that she doesn't want sex, is going to lead to different advice than a man who has gone off sex but it spending a lot of time consuming porn.

Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 12:11

HolidaysForever · 08/08/2023 08:37

Side note, but why does mumsnet do nothing about hate posts like these? Horrible, snide, “clever” comments. If I used they/them pronouns I would feel so attacked. I assume you wouldn’t beat someone up in the street for being gender neutral…but it’s a step on the ladder. Check yourself.

Show quote history

Not a hate note.
Thats extremely rude to jump to that conclusion.
A simple use of a normal dictionary definition. I haven’t taken it upon myself to jump to any conclusions beyond that.
It would be nice if OP clarifies the situation it might make the responses more relevant.
This is an anonymous forum and so if OP has many partners no one’s here to judge, that would be pointless. It’s all anonymous.
Meanwhile ,as some believe here, OP wants to hide whether they are male or female, again I would like to believe ,on this anonymous forum, that everyone would respond in an unbiased way.

Some posters here think OP is gathering information to see if MN is sexist, I’m hoping that’s not the case and this is a genuine thread.

Iwasafool · 08/08/2023 12:28

@LolaSmiles For example a woman who has had a traumatic birth and has gone on to feel like they don't want sex is probably going to warrant different advice from a man who no longer wants sex due to erectile issues, which may be part of underlying health issues. The OP isn't asking for advice about why they doesn't want sex just some support for the sadness it is causing.

A woman who is off sex but is touched out and doing the vast majority of the childcare and housework whilst her husband does nothing but complain that she doesn't want sex, is going to lead to different advice than a man who has gone off sex but it spending a lot of time consuming porn. Again that isn't what the post is about. There was no request for advice on what is causing the issue.

If people want to know if it is due to birth injury/ED/touched out or porn. Why the need for snarky comments about pronouns?

Iwasafool · 08/08/2023 12:33

@Trulywonderfulworld I don’t want to say whether I’m a man or a women to get an unbiased response’ then that’s all that needs to be said. Then everything is clear - I'm not sure that is simpler than saying they.

It is clear it isn't multiple partners as the OP clearly says my partner not my partners.

PrincessTigger · 08/08/2023 12:40

I decided to be celibate after an abusive relationship ended and after that being assaulted again by someone I thought was a friend. You can live a happy and fulfilling life without sex. I realised through some pretty traumatic experiences that it wasn’t something I wanted anymore. I would think first about whether it’s sex you want or if it’s actually about feeling desired and loved - is that something he can fulfil another way? That said, if you come to the conclusion that sex is important to you, I do think you should leave as your relationship has changed to something you’re not into. You don’t have to tough it out for the next 40-odd years, a relationship shouldn’t be an endurance test it should be enjoyable.

Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 12:45

@Iwasafool
I didn’t pick up on that.
Thankyou.
That clarifies it.

Theoldwoman · 08/08/2023 13:32

How many partners do you have?

Find a new one that does.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 08/08/2023 13:33

Personally, I'm mid 40s and couldn't continue in a sexless relationship. If it was stay with the person I loved and accept no more sex, or leave, I'd leave, without a doubt.

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2023 13:39

Iwasafool
I still think the reason does matter because it makes a difference moving forward.

If there's an actual cause behind the OP's partners' change then it whether they've acknowledged a cause, are showing signs of being willing to seek a resolution, and communicate is a very different situation than one person unilaterally deciding "I'm done with sex, end of discussion, you just have to accept it" with the expectation that the OP will stick around and accept an unfulfilling relationship indefinitely.

The first is that there's an issue in the relationship but the partner cares enough about the OP and respects their feelings in a relationship to have a discussion of equals. It might still mean going forward that the partner doesn't want sex/chooses not to address the issue, and the OP is able to decide whether the respect, love and value in that relationship is something they are happy to have a sex-free relationship.

The second is a partner who is highly self-absorbed in my opinion, who seems to have no consideration for the fact there are two people in a relationship and two people who need to feel loved and valued. If there's no exploration of reason and a "take it or leave it" attitude then my advice would be to run for the hills, however upsetting it might be. Not because of a sex-less relationship but because the partner doesn't seem to care about anyone but themselves.

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2023 13:46

If the OP were just trying to assess whether MN in general is sexist, it would make more sense to give the sexes involved but write the story a couple of times from different perspectives.

What annoys me when people fudge the sexes is that it's a clear sign they don't trust posters not to be fair in their assessments. If you don't people, then why ask them at all?

And often the sex is relevant, because men and women lose their sex drives for different reasons and the solutions for it will vary.

Original poster
Elephantparade1 · 08/08/2023 13:56

My partner is a woman - we’ve been together for about six years.
She is four years older than me. Sex life for the first three years or so was active and then dwindled and if I mentioned it she got angry at me so I stopped mentioning it as it was easier to ignore it than feel rejected all the time.
She has at least been honest with me now and said that she doesn’t see me like that anymore but still wants to be in a relationship with me. She says that it’s just how it is in long term relationships and she experienced the same thing in her previous relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephantparade1 · 08/08/2023 13:57

Oh - I’m a woman too.

OP posts:
Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 14:03

”My partner is a woman - we’ve been together for about six years.
She is four years older than me. Sex life for the first three years or so was active and then dwindled and if I mentioned it she got angry at me so I stopped mentioning it as it was easier to ignore it than feel rejected all the time.
She has at least been honest with me now and said that she doesn’t see me like that anymore but still wants to be in a relationship with me. She says that it’s just how it is in long term relationships and she experienced the same thing in her previous relationship.”

that’s utter BS ! Sorry but not having sex is not normal or healthy in a relationship . You don’t have ego accept that as being the norm and it’s not actually normal that anyone simply doesn’t need sex

Agapornis · 08/08/2023 14:34

I know people who've been together for nearly 40 years, and they're still having sex... What will she lose if she ends the relationship? Sounds like you're convenient to have around. Are you providing an income/rent?

Who1what1me · 08/08/2023 14:47

My partner and I are 14 years together and have sex about twice a week. We are in our mid 40s and have 2 under 5.

I also know people who have been together over 40 years and still have sex. I'm traumatised by it and now ensure I call before I pop in to my parents.

I think you need to decide what you're prepared to accept. Can you live a sexless life? Are you intimate in other ways and is that enough for you? @Elephantparade1 sometime love isn't enough.

If my DH decided he didn't want to have sex anymore I'd end the relationship. I wouldn't want to live the next 30 years sexless.

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2023 14:59

Sex life for the first three years or so was active and then dwindled and if I mentioned it she got angry at me so I stopped mentioning it as it was easier to ignore it than feel rejected all the time.
She has at least been honest with me now and said that she doesn’t see me like that anymore but still wants to be in a relationship with me. She says that it’s just how it is in long term relationships and she experienced the same thing in her previous relationship

It sounds like she's accepted the idea that an intimate relationship is something that naturally vanishes in relationships and then is repeating that behaviour pattern between relationships.

In reality it takes effort from both people to maintain an affectionate, romantic and intimate relationship otherwise you become like housemates.

Do you think she'd be open to couples counselling or individual counselling to get to the bottom of her issues?

Sandra1984 · 08/08/2023 15:10

@Elephantparade1 She says that it’s just how it is in long term relationships and she experienced the same thing in her previous relationship.

…. And that didn’t go down well hence the reason it became “previous”. Sounds like “bed death” is the first phase before “break up”.

Is she dropping you this bomb now? (“I cut sex from my ex”) or were you aware of it when you decided to become an item?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/08/2023 15:11

You don't have to stay in a relationship that's all on her terms
Is she open to work on this?
It's not fair to say " it's how it is"
and not taking your needs on board
I'd have a blunt conversation saying this, and don't be afraid to confront this, if she gets angry the relationship is done anyway

AuntieJune · 08/08/2023 15:21

She's right, sex does sometimes dwindle in long term relationships. Then you discuss it, find out how you feel about it, decide whether to continue the relationship, or try to find ways to rekindle the sexual element, or address barriers like stress, sleep deprivation etc.

What you don't do is get angry with a partner for mentioning it, or try to make them feel guilty for wanting sex when that's a perfectly normal thing.

It sounds to me like you're feeling ashamed, which you don't need to do. She's not obliged to have sex with you, you're also not obliged to stay in a sexless relationship.

How did her last relationship end, out of interest?!

NarcNarc · 08/08/2023 15:24

Thanks for clarifying OP. There are sexual problems that are specific to one biological sex or the other, so it’s important to have the full facts before seeking advice. I’m not an expert in relationship issues, quite the reverse probably, but your partner sounds as though she’s experienced this loss of libido before so I think it’s reasonable of you to ask her if she’s willing to discuss her issue with a counsellor.

It goes without saying that you’re perfectly within your “rights” to leave her if you’re unhappy with any aspect of your relationship, but if you want to try to make things work then she’ll need to be willing to seek help if she also wants to stay in the relationship. Good luck to you both x

BritInAus · 08/08/2023 15:31

Lesbian bed death is a real thing!
but it doesn't mean you have to settle for this. There are lots of 2 female couples out there who prioritise a healthy sex life.
honestly, move on.

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 17:12

@Elephantparade1 I was in a relationship and eventually realized the sex was really bad, so I left.

You aren't dead yet, leave and stand a chance of a decent sex life.

Unless your partner is genuinely willing to try different things/ways to reignite the spark.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 17:21

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2023 13:46

If the OP were just trying to assess whether MN in general is sexist, it would make more sense to give the sexes involved but write the story a couple of times from different perspectives.

What annoys me when people fudge the sexes is that it's a clear sign they don't trust posters not to be fair in their assessments. If you don't people, then why ask them at all?

And often the sex is relevant, because men and women lose their sex drives for different reasons and the solutions for it will vary.

With respect, one look at some of the ways in which MN threads have deteriorated into bat shit bun fights, lack of trust in posters’ ability to be fair isn’t surprising !!