Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Im so sad I’ll never have sex again

212 replies

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 21:41

My partner has made it clear they don’t want to have sex with me anymore.
i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is.
They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore and they’re not interested in having sex.
But I’m really sad about it, all the same.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 23:23

Op, this needs to be a deal breaker for you, because loving them just isn't enough. Your needs and wants have to align. You are only 38 years old. You are still very young. It's time to make an exit plan.

Trulywonderfulworld · 07/08/2023 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agree
Them, they
Is there more than one partner. ?
Are they both ( or more than 2 ) refusing sex. That’s unfortunate!

Maybe a relationship with one person would be more committed.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 07/08/2023 23:35

How old are they?

Have they recently been through a pregnancy or low mood?

Unless they’ve always hated sex and just did it because they felt they have to, then I think it’s very silly to say they’ll never have sex again.

Have they tried therapy or anything else to help them understand their feelings?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/08/2023 23:36

You do have a choice here, you're 38, and imo too young to bury your sexual self just because your DP says they don't see you in that way/ have no sex drive
They are two separate issues
If it's a medical hormonal prioblem
Or if they just don't fancy you anymore
As I see it, you stay and feel unloved rejected and resentful or
You leave and in time find happiness with someone else
Are any DC involved?

Absolemsbong · 07/08/2023 23:37

Presumably your partner still masturbates??

Personally I couldn’t accept this as my lot in life. How long have you been with this person, and do you already have or were you planning on having children?

Fukuraptor · 07/08/2023 23:39

My DH had a very low sex drive whilst on antidepressants. It can be a side effect of some medicines or of depression itself. His sex drive returned after he came off them. It's reasonable to suggest the GP for someone who has had a change in libedo.

But I have a friend whose partner came out as asexual and said he wouldn't have sex again. The clarity of that revelation helped her make the decision to end the relationship after years of feeling rejected and hoping the sexual side of things would come back at some point when other problems in the relationship were solved.

Give yourself time - it's okay to wish them well and future happiness as a friend whilst acknowledging that there is a deep incompatibility as a couple.

Bandyarsia · 07/08/2023 23:41

Youi cannot make yourself fancy someone if you don't. You can't buy these feelings in a bottle and dab them on when needs be. If that is gone, it is gone. The ball is in your court now OP. 38 is very young to live in a sexless marriage if you wish to have sex but the is relationship is over on a sexual level for definite because there is no coming back from that or fixing it.
It is hugely hurtful and I imagine you are devastated but they have been honest about something they cannot control. It is not fixable. BUT you do have choices.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/08/2023 23:43

The gender thing pees me off too- I don't care if it's woman/woman- man/woman or woman /man or man/man - why do people feel the need to hide this stuff

Howmuchfurther · 07/08/2023 23:44

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 21:41

My partner has made it clear they don’t want to have sex with me anymore.
i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is.
They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore and they’re not interested in having sex.
But I’m really sad about it, all the same.

I felt the same when DH first told me that. Gradually that changed. Two years later I left.

Give yourself time. Don’t allow someone else to end your life at 38.

Stravaig · 07/08/2023 23:45

Your partner doesn't get to be a dog in the manger, to hog your sexuality to themselves even though they refuse to have sex with you.

Continue to be their loving friend and housemate if that's what you want, but for the love of your one short precious life, please do feel free to have sex with whoever you fancy who also fancies you.

You're young, and this current scenario does not sound like a healthy or compatible relationship. Move on.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 23:46

Are you a guy talking about your female partner and hoping everyone will be horrible about her and she will read it on here?

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 23:46

Bandyarsia · 07/08/2023 23:41

Youi cannot make yourself fancy someone if you don't. You can't buy these feelings in a bottle and dab them on when needs be. If that is gone, it is gone. The ball is in your court now OP. 38 is very young to live in a sexless marriage if you wish to have sex but the is relationship is over on a sexual level for definite because there is no coming back from that or fixing it.
It is hugely hurtful and I imagine you are devastated but they have been honest about something they cannot control. It is not fixable. BUT you do have choices.

The OPs partner didn’t say they didn’t fancy them any more, they said they no longer had a sex drive and so didn’t see them that way any more. If that’s down to an undiagnosed medical condition, or a side effect of medication, then it may well be fixable. GP visit may well be the next temp if the partner is willing.

HoneyBunnii · 07/08/2023 23:52

@Elephantparade1 how can you still love someone who doesnt want you sexually for no reason whatsoever? I mean.. if there was a reason they couldnt sexually please you (disability or other health issues) then thats different..
But if that person is hale and hearty and openly just telling you that they cant give you any pleasure then thats a big problem. You need to tell them straight up that if they wont fulfill your needs sexually then you will need to explore other options because you cant starve yourself of pleasure.
I am guessing that person is getting it from elsewhere and that will come to light soon..
If that does happen you should focus on yourself and not let it affect how you see yourself.

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 23:52

I'm assuming this is a bloke in a het relationship but they don't want to be jumped on (here,) not that it's really relevant who's who.

They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore

Every relationship has dry spells and people's libidos wax and wane. But 'I don't see you that way anymore' is a different thing to that.

I don't think you should put up with this for life @Elephantparade1 . There will probably be people in this world who will see you that way. And everyone wants to feel properly romantically loved in a relationship.

RitzyMcFitzy · 07/08/2023 23:53

They don't 'see you that way anymore'? So it's not necessarily sex they've gone off, but sex with you?

The relationship sounds dead. You're only 38, you're not going to be with this person for the rest of your life.

Bandyarsia · 07/08/2023 23:53

If my OH didn’t see me like that anymore and he hadn’t got a sex drive around me, I would see it as personal towards me.
The partner doesn’t sound willing to seek help so OP has a decision to make. Grin and bear it or go find someone who does fancy her. The partner has been crystal
clear.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 07/08/2023 23:53

PPs are being obtuse.

Basic reading comprehension tells you they are speaking about one person.

They can use whatever bloody pronouns they like, the advice should be the same whether you think it is 'rediculous' or not.

The OPs partner doesn't want to have sex with them anymore and that's the bottom line.

The partner will know the reason and if they are being truthful about it simply being a case of not seeing the OP in that way anymore, then there's not really anything that can be done. And I don't agree they should be pushed to see a doctor.

They've said no and that is enough.

@Elephantparade1 unfortunately you'll have to either accept it or leave and find someone who desires you. Breaking up is never easy but this is the rest of your life without something that you seek from a relationship. I can't see how continuing will do anything other than keep chipping away at your self esteem.

Purplepeaches123 · 07/08/2023 23:55

i mean sexless marriages are fine if both parties are happy with that but it will never work if you’re not both in agreement.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 23:55

Trulywonderfulworld · 07/08/2023 23:26

Agree
Them, they
Is there more than one partner. ?
Are they both ( or more than 2 ) refusing sex. That’s unfortunate!

Maybe a relationship with one person would be more committed.

Show quote history

They could be preferred pronouns, or the OP could just be being cautious about identifying details. Whatever the reason, we should respect it - we’re all intelligent enough to work out what the problem is and advise accordingly. And why would you think the OP is talking about multiple partners just because they haven’t been specific about their partners’ or their own gender ?

Bandyarsia · 07/08/2023 23:55

HoneyBunnii · 07/08/2023 23:52

@Elephantparade1 how can you still love someone who doesnt want you sexually for no reason whatsoever? I mean.. if there was a reason they couldnt sexually please you (disability or other health issues) then thats different..
But if that person is hale and hearty and openly just telling you that they cant give you any pleasure then thats a big problem. You need to tell them straight up that if they wont fulfill your needs sexually then you will need to explore other options because you cant starve yourself of pleasure.
I am guessing that person is getting it from elsewhere and that will come to light soon..
If that does happen you should focus on yourself and not let it affect how you see yourself.

You can’t MAKE someone fulfill your sexual needs if they don’t find you attractive!

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 23:58

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 07/08/2023 23:53

PPs are being obtuse.

Basic reading comprehension tells you they are speaking about one person.

They can use whatever bloody pronouns they like, the advice should be the same whether you think it is 'rediculous' or not.

The OPs partner doesn't want to have sex with them anymore and that's the bottom line.

The partner will know the reason and if they are being truthful about it simply being a case of not seeing the OP in that way anymore, then there's not really anything that can be done. And I don't agree they should be pushed to see a doctor.

They've said no and that is enough.

@Elephantparade1 unfortunately you'll have to either accept it or leave and find someone who desires you. Breaking up is never easy but this is the rest of your life without something that you seek from a relationship. I can't see how continuing will do anything other than keep chipping away at your self esteem.

Loss of sex drive can be a symptom of several underlying health conditions, some of them quite serious. It’s entirely reasonable to get checked out to make sure it’s not the cause.

Galectable · 08/08/2023 00:00

At age 25 I broke off a relationship with someone I loved mainly because of his low sex drive (there were clinical reasons). I felt sad for a long time but it was the right decision for me at the time. What I think I'm saying is it is really important to have your feelings aligned with your partner's. And to compromise in situations like this so that neither feels ignored or rejected. Can you talk to a counsellor?

TheCatterall · 08/08/2023 00:00

@Elephantparade1 is there a medical reason.
Is this a slow dwindle.
Did your sex life use to be very active?
Is there an age gap to consider?

are they otherwise good at showing they love you in ways that make you feel loved? Affectionate etc.

Have they tried anything at all as a couple or with therapy/GP to resolve this?

personally if someone told me they no longer wanted sex in a committed relationship, and we’re happy to not try and resolve the issue and just expected me to accept it - then I would see that this person didn’t respect me as an equal partner worthy of their consideration and effort etc.

At 38 I’d rather be on my own and working on my self esteem etc than accepting a loveless life with a partner.

I’m 48 and wouldn’t accept a relationship like this.

you have a housemate. Not a partner.

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 00:01

What ??? Sex is a huge part of a relationship . Can she /he just decide that and expect any relationship to just carry on ? It’s doomed

HoneyBunnii · 08/08/2023 00:01

@Bandyarsia i am not saying you need to MAKE a person fulfill your sexual needs. You missed the point, if someone is not fulfilling your needs for whatever reason (such as not finding you attractive) and you have those needs then you need to move on.
Are you going to hang around in a relationship where your partner doesnt find you attractive? Your partner finds someone else attractive and gets what they want but you get nothing because your partner finds you unattractive and so you decide to live the remaining life as in celibacy? And be the loser in a relationship? No thanks!! You cant ignore your own needs!