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Original poster

Im so sad I’ll never have sex again

212 replies

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 21:41

My partner has made it clear they don’t want to have sex with me anymore.
i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is.
They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore and they’re not interested in having sex.
But I’m really sad about it, all the same.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 08/08/2023 08:57

coreas · 07/08/2023 22:53

Does your partner use they/them pronouns?

I'm not sure why people are latching on to this. Does it matter? Will people give different advice if the OP is a woman e.g. LTB or if she's a man will it be how dare you expect sex.

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:59

overdalexx · 08/08/2023 08:54

yep I had also thought for a while that this might be what may lie behind it.
Frustrating as it may be to read the thread if that was the case I can kind of understand that.

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But then why come here?! Why don’t they go to Reddit or somewhere else? Why ask on a forum that you believe to hate men? It makes no sense and it just insults the very people you’re asking for advice.

JusthereforXmas · 08/08/2023 09:03

Buy a rampant rabbit and watch some porn if your overtly horny like literally millions of other people.

All the leave him comments, I never get why people seem to define a relationship by sex. If sex is such a deal breaker then frankly there isn't an actual underlying relationship there and they clearly don't know what love is. So I wouldn't spend a second considering their opinion.

Most relationships go through phases, highs and lows and sex dies off as time goes on. Its entirely normal OP and if you have a good relationship other than sex its obviously not a deal breaker.

MrsPerfect12 · 08/08/2023 09:04

Op this is so sad, you are too young to be in this position. You need to consider your options going forward.

overdalexx · 08/08/2023 09:11

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:59

But then why come here?! Why don’t they go to Reddit or somewhere else? Why ask on a forum that you believe to hate men? It makes no sense and it just insults the very people you’re asking for advice.

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a test/exercise as suggested above by other poster.
It's not insulting as such.
I have also noticed certain double standards on here - though obvs harder to track as people name change.

WisherWood · 08/08/2023 09:14

All the leave him comments, I never get why people seem to define a relationship by sex. If sex is such a deal breaker then frankly there isn't an actual underlying relationship there and they clearly don't know what love is. So I wouldn't spend a second considering their opinion.

Do you know what sex is? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that it is a very important part of a relationship for many people. And the OP is only 38. That's way too young to decide never to have sex again, unless that's what that person actually wants. Sex is an integral part of a relationship for many, if not most people. If you feel differently about that, that's fine, but don't castigate someone for feeling differently about it. Some of us need that physical intimacy to cement the emotional intimacy.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/08/2023 09:20

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/08/2023 08:21

OP has clearly used they/them because the responses would be very very different if OP was male and his partner was female to if OP was female and her partner male.
Despite what some PPs say, the gender would affect the responses.

As they should be - the biological sex is directly relevant since some of the common causes of loss of libido are sex specific or much more common in one sex because our biologies are different.

Others, particularly mental health related are associated with the societal roles (gender if you like) expected based on underlying sex eg the classic mother of young children simply exhausted, the mid life crisis man, the peri or post menopausal stage.

Its simply a nonsense on threads here to say "if the OP was a man/woman they would get different advice". They get different advice where the situation and experience of men and women is different - ie pretty much everywhere and based on our sex class.

Iwasafool · 08/08/2023 09:42

C8H10N4O2 · 08/08/2023 09:20

As they should be - the biological sex is directly relevant since some of the common causes of loss of libido are sex specific or much more common in one sex because our biologies are different.

Others, particularly mental health related are associated with the societal roles (gender if you like) expected based on underlying sex eg the classic mother of young children simply exhausted, the mid life crisis man, the peri or post menopausal stage.

Its simply a nonsense on threads here to say "if the OP was a man/woman they would get different advice". They get different advice where the situation and experience of men and women is different - ie pretty much everywhere and based on our sex class.

Show quote history

The OP hasn't come here for a diagnosis so the cause of the partners loss of libido isn't the point, how the OP lives with it has nothing to do with their sex or their partners sex. Men and women can want sex, men and women can feel sad and rejected because that isn't reciprocated.

Agapornis · 08/08/2023 09:49

The grass is ALWAYS greener when someone makes you feel disgusting, horrible, undesirable, and sad.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/08/2023 10:01

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 22:27

Oh yeah, I’d never want them to have sex with me because they felt they should.
I do feel horrible and undesirable though.

The “They” is really annoying to read as it sounds as though this is more than one person refusing you sex.
Anyway, if someone no longer fancies you, and the flame can’t be rekindled, then things are doomed, really.
A dismal life for you if you stay together, however painful it might be in the short term, it would surely be better to end this and move on ?

Dery · 08/08/2023 10:16

“Do you know what sex is? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that it is a very important part of a relationship for many people. And the OP is only 38. That's way too young to decide never to have sex again, unless that's what that person actually wants. Sex is an integral part of a relationship for many, if not most people. If you feel differently about that, that's fine, but don't castigate someone for feeling differently about it. Some of us need that physical intimacy to cement the emotional intimacy.”

This with bells on. Sex is NOT like any other activity - if your partner doesn’t share your hobbies or interests, it is perfectly valid to do those with someone else. For most people, their long-term relationship is the only place they’re allowed to have sexual intimacy. It is generally not sociably permissible to seek that elsewhere.

That’s why it is really problematic for one partner to take it off the table completely and irrevocably (as seems the case here) without offering the other partner an outlet. There may be good reasons for the partner’s decision but there are equally good reasons for OP not to like it, whatever their or their partner’s gender.

And actually, the longer sexual intimacy is removed from the relationship, the less likely it is to be recoverable.

YouHaveAnArse · 08/08/2023 10:16

I don't know why people are using a thread about someone who is grieving the loss of their sex life with a partner they still love to start going on about their views on gender, sex and who or what someone may or may not identify as.

You know that 'they/them' here refers to an individual, there's no need to be disingenuous in the name of being able to wang on about how much you dislike gender fluidity or anything else unhelpful to the OP, who may have any number of reasons not to want to specify their partner's genital configuration.

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 10:18

I don't know why people are using a thread about someone who is grieving the loss of their sex life with a partner they still love to start going on about their views on gender, sex and who or what someone may or may not identify as.

It's so boringly predictable!

NarcNarc · 08/08/2023 10:22

How old is they? Is they older or younger than you is? Has you told theys how yous feelz?

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 10:26

NarcNarc · 08/08/2023 10:22

How old is they? Is they older or younger than you is? Has you told theys how yous feelz?

Do you feel better for having taken the piss out of the OP?

coreas · 08/08/2023 10:26

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 10:18

I don't know why people are using a thread about someone who is grieving the loss of their sex life with a partner they still love to start going on about their views on gender, sex and who or what someone may or may not identify as.

It's so boringly predictable!

Actually it's because if there is a trans issue the loss is greater then the sex life so it makes a difference to the response/advice.

It's directly relevant.

LuluBlakey1 · 08/08/2023 10:28

Understandably, you ate feeling very sorry for yourself. However, you are catastrophising . At just 38, you should leave and find someone who does love you and finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. Don't waste your life on this controlling, unpleasant sounding individual you are currently with.
You do not have to accept your partner's choice. You sound infatuated. Leave, never see the person or speak to him/her again and don't look back. I would think being the kind if person he/she found attractive would be more worrying- read 'trodden-on doormat'.

NarcNarc · 08/08/2023 10:31

This reply has been deleted

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ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/08/2023 10:38

I wonder if they should go to the GP and get checked out? Personally I don't think I would get over the fact they basically see you as a friend and not a lover. You are only 38. I am 36. I would be seriously considering leaving my husband if he said no more sex and I suspect he might feel the same if the roles were reversed.

I also wonder if they are having an affair...

WisherWood · 08/08/2023 10:39

Using they/ them as singular doesn't bother me at all. I've done it for ages because otherwise, if the sex isn't known, people would default to 'him' and that was fucking annoying.

The OP may be using it just to give a bit more anonymity to the situation. However, if the loss of attraction is done to one or other of them doing an Eddie Izzard, it is relevant to the advice that might be given.

AuntieJune · 08/08/2023 10:44

This relationship will sap the life out of you and you have up to 60 years left to live, so yes on balance it's worth not writing yourself off as a sexual person at precisely this juncture.

It's one thing getting together and finding you have different libidos, or sex drive being affected by health problems/medicine etc. Just repeatedly rejecting any opportunity for sexual activity without being overt and proactive in seeing if the other person is happy with that or if some accommodation can be found, is shitty. It will make you feel shitty.

A bit of me wants to ask if the 'them' thing is indicative of a partner who is a bit self-obsessed, has recently 'outed' themselves as non-binary or trans, or is taking hormones that impact sex drive - in short, someone who is all about themselves and zilch about making you feel loved and wanted.

It's not on for a partner to convert themselves to a housemate without giving you the choice of whether you want that. I'd reconcile yourself to finding someone else.

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 10:50

NarcNarc · 08/08/2023 10:22

How old is they? Is they older or younger than you is? Has you told theys how yous feelz?

Gotta get your thrills somewhere I suppose, to distract yourself from your own unhappy situation.

K8ate · 08/08/2023 11:19

Crikeyalmighty · 07/08/2023 23:43

The gender thing pees me off too- I don't care if it's woman/woman- man/woman or woman /man or man/man - why do people feel the need to hide this stuff

Oh, but it would to many of the posters on mumsnet.

Male - he’s a sex pest, ltb, get your ducks in a row, does he do enough housework….

Female - you’re needs aren’t being met, he’s selfish, he’s having an affair….

NarcNarc · 08/08/2023 11:35

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 10:50

Gotta get your thrills somewhere I suppose, to distract yourself from your own unhappy situation.

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Now who’s being nasty! Not practicing much kindness are you sweetheart? 😆 Beeeee kinnnnnnddddddd is the usual exhortation at this juncture.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/08/2023 11:42

K8ate · 08/08/2023 11:19

Oh, but it would to many of the posters on mumsnet.

Male - he’s a sex pest, ltb, get your ducks in a row, does he do enough housework….

Female - you’re needs aren’t being met, he’s selfish, he’s having an affair….

Show quote history

Female - your needs aren't being met.
Male - they're not needs, they're wants, he won't die without sex, he's being disgusting.