Page 6 | Im so sad I’ll never have sex again

Elephantparade1 · 2023-08-07T20:41:56+00:00

My partner has made it clear they don’t want to have sex with me anymore. i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is. They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore and they’re not interested in having sex. But I’m really sad about it, all the same.

Comedycook · 08/08/2023 07:39

Have an affair.... seriously. You're not even 40. Fuck that shit.

PerceptionIsReality · 08/08/2023 07:40

If they don't see you that way anymore there is every chance that they will see someone else "that way" at some point in the future which will only further damage your self-esteem.

This has disaster written all over it and is super selfish of your partner. Find a way to walk away and build a new and better life while preserving the friendship and apparently platonic love that you still have as this will only get harder (likely impossible) if either of you hits the scenario of beginning a relationship with (or even feeling an interest in) someone else.

Staying in a relationship that makes you "feel horrible and undesirable" is an awful idea and not sustainable either for you or your partner who will undoubtedly realise and react (likely defensively) to the fact that they are making you feel this way.

coreas · 08/08/2023 07:50

Riapia · 08/08/2023 06:39

About the pronouns.

Possibly the OP is or about to become a trans widow.

This. And it's vital to know because it adds an entirely different perspective. If the parter is a man or a woman then say so because the trans element actually does add another layer or ten.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/08/2023 08:01

Its also possible that the op is male and his wife is in the thick of parenting very young children and is feeling completely touched out and currently doesn't see herself ever wanting sex ever again. In which case saying have an affair is a sure fire way to end the relationship. We can't advise the op on so little information, this situation may or may not be recoverable but my advice for now would be to keep the lines of communication open and try to work out why its changed.

CapEBarra · 08/08/2023 08:08

Also, it does help to know if it’s a male or a female because it would help readers think about possible underlying medical issues. Advice in this case would possibly be different - e.g. they may be avoiding sex because of erectile dysfunction, or because they have trauma thanks to the 40 stitches they received due to tearing during childbirth. If this were the case, knowing the sex of the person would be pretty important.

Redavocadoes · 08/08/2023 08:08

I think in this case knowing the gender of the partner who doesn't want sex is very relevant, because there could be medical reasons that would be different in a man, a woman, someone going through hormone treatment or someone who doesn't want sex maybe because they have realised they are gay or straight.

Although I guess we haven't been asked to problem solve, the OP is understandably very upset and wants support to work through their feelings.

OP, I do think you have to take time to decide what YOU want how that your partner has decided what THEY want. You won't have all the answers straight away, it will take time. But I am sure that there are people out there who would fancy the pants off you, it is your partner's issue not yours. I know it makes you feel like you must be disgusting but it really is them, not you.

Good luck

Shoulddomore · 08/08/2023 08:18

Context is everything here.. you have purposely not given enough information. This is probably because you KNOW you are being unfair, but want validation.

willWillSmithsmith · 08/08/2023 08:19

If the reason you’re using they/them is because they have gender issues that could be the reason behind their decision? It may not be about you personally but their inner conflicts about their identity and sexual orientation?

You need to have an honest open discussion with them about where you go from here.

I’m (more than) happy to not have a sex life anymore (my choice) but I wouldn’t have been at thirty eight.

WisherWood · 08/08/2023 08:20

i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is.

You do have the choice to leave, you just don't currently see it as a choice. A few more months or years, and it will start to look more and more like the better option.

What's happened here OP? Does you partner want out but wants you to be the one to end it? So they're acting like a dick so that you finish with them, and then they get to be the hurt one? Do they find anyone else attractive or is it just you they've gone off? Have either of you dramatically changed physically? I don't mean normal ageing, I mean either a change in gender or massive weight loss/ gain. There might be a legit (debateable) reason or they might be trying to get you to end it.

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:21

FedUpWithEverything123 · 08/08/2023 06:20

What's with all the they/them 🙄

Tedious isn’t it? If you can’t trust us to give unbiased advice, don’t ask here.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/08/2023 08:21

OP has clearly used they/them because the responses would be very very different if OP was male and his partner was female to if OP was female and her partner male.
Despite what some PPs say, the gender would affect the responses.

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:22

Comedycook · 08/08/2023 07:39

Have an affair.... seriously. You're not even 40. Fuck that shit.

Why not just leave?

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:23

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/08/2023 08:21

OP has clearly used they/them because the responses would be very very different if OP was male and his partner was female to if OP was female and her partner male.
Despite what some PPs say, the gender would affect the responses.

Because we’re all such man hating, nasty bitches? If that’s what they think of us, why come here? It’s insulting.

AbyssiniaArms · 08/08/2023 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I must agree. It puts me off reading further.

Shoulddomore · 08/08/2023 08:31

So I guess if you actually want real life advice, what has changed to make your partner feel this way? Have you changed, attitudes, appearance, personal care? Have they changed, physically, mentally? Have you their been any big changes to your relationship recently, baby, new job, ect? Or are you just here for the posters giving you permission to have an affair?

HolidaysForever · 08/08/2023 08:37

Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 02:45

Because OP said ‘ I love them’ and ‘ I don’t want to split up with them’ and ‘they say they love me’.

So possibly more than one
They and them in the dictionary is used to refer to two or more people.
It’s a perfectly reasonable intelligent assumption.

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Side note, but why does mumsnet do nothing about hate posts like these? Horrible, snide, “clever” comments. If I used they/them pronouns I would feel so attacked. I assume you wouldn’t beat someone up in the street for being gender neutral…but it’s a step on the ladder. Check yourself.

JellyLlama · 08/08/2023 08:41

A sexless relationship tends not to work unless it's what you both want. It'll create a division between you. If you stay in that situation, you won't be happy. And if they were sexually active before, the might leave you for someone else. 38 is young. Take some time to come to terms with it and consider your options. You might not feel like it now, but you can find someone else.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 08:43

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 08/08/2023 00:09

I think without knowing whether they are only not interested in having sex with the OP or it's anyone in general it's hard to know if that's a possibility.

Personally if I didn't want to sleep with someone anymore and they told me to go to a doctor as if there was something wrong with me it would annoy me.

However I wouldn't expect someone to stay in a sexless relationship with me so I do get your point.

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I think the partner announcing that they no longer have a sex drive is the key here, so why are so many posters missing this when it seems pretty clear it means they’re no longer interested in sex generally ? It’s different than simply not fancying someone any more and could very well be due to an undiagnosed medical issue or even gender identity difficulties, as some have suggested. Either way they may be struggling so why would suggesting getting checked out be annoying ?

Avoidance of medical issues seems to be a common theme on MN. Two recent threads threw up clear red flags for symptoms of significant MH problems, and yet the multiple posters who recognised them and advocated for medical advice were shouted down and insulted for daring to suggest that the subjects in question were anything other than nasty pieces of work. We’re urged to act on suspicion of early symptoms of illness, to improve outcome - seemingly MN doesn’t share that view.

Who1what1me · 08/08/2023 08:49

ElizaAgainn · 08/08/2023 07:19

I'm wondering if that's a tactful way to say "Are your looks still the same standard as when you got together? Are their looks still the same standard as when you got together?". It's difficult to tell without knowing the answer to that one - as I know there's a previous boyfriend of mine who put on (lots) of weight a while after we'd finished and had a most unflattering haircut and I wouldn't have fancied him any longer because of that. On the other hand - he then subsequently lost a lot of that excess weight and had a better haircut and I could see why I had previously fancied him (though age, of itself, had had a negative effect on his looks - and that's something that happens to all of us unfortunately - even ones who were absolutely gorgeous when they were younger, eg Brigitte Bardot and Alain Delon come to mind.....). If his looks have got worse - whether through age or neglect and so have yours = still the same standard as each other and puzzling indeed. If his looks haven't got worse and yours have = maybe it's a situation that can be "rescued". Without photos it's difficult to tell what has happened (in respect of both people) to know whether there's a (possible) solution there - or whether there isn't a "looks imbalance" and he's gone off sex totally forevermore with anyone/everyone (no matter what they look like) and that's a sad situation if so and I'm afraid I don't know what the answer to that one is...

The looks thing is indeed sometimes a problem I know personally - as I used to be attractive etc - but the years have passed and I know I need to lose 2 stones weight as well, but that won't be enough for men to fancy me any longer either (as my skin has changed and so have my eyes) and I've had to resign myself to thinking "At my age = that looks like that's that, even after I've lost that excess weight and, with that, will be able to get back into my nicer clothes" So - looks like no sex for me either I'm afraid - and it's not a nice position to be in I do know.

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Actually, you are totally wrong. I wasn't being tactful. I literally wanted to know how old @Elephantparade1 is. I might be more inclined to tolerate a sexless relationship in my 60s / 70s and settle for companionship. However, it would be a deal breaker in my 30/40s.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 08:50

Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 02:45

Because OP said ‘ I love them’ and ‘ I don’t want to split up with them’ and ‘they say they love me’.

So possibly more than one
They and them in the dictionary is used to refer to two or more people.
It’s a perfectly reasonable intelligent assumption.

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No it’s really not a ‘reasonable, intelligent assumption’. It’s a reluctance to even attempt to respect what may be someone’s chosen pronouns. And they/them is also used to refer to people in the singular. Admittedly it would be easier to advise if the OP had given more information, but she obviously has her reasons.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 08/08/2023 08:51

I'm wondering why you're posting here if your situation is apparently insoluble, @Elephantparade1. Perhaps it's easier to do this than to make a change in your life, which you imply is impossible.

Well, it isn't. What's impossible is our being able to do anything about it if you cannot.

ArcticSkewer · 08/08/2023 08:51

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:23

Because we’re all such man hating, nasty bitches? If that’s what they think of us, why come here? It’s insulting.

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They use it to collect evidence, in their heads if not on reddit, that the advice is different depending on if we think we are talking to a man (have a wank, stop complaining) or a woman (he's cruel, ltb, have an affair)

overdalexx · 08/08/2023 08:51

CapEBarra · 08/08/2023 08:08

Also, it does help to know if it’s a male or a female because it would help readers think about possible underlying medical issues. Advice in this case would possibly be different - e.g. they may be avoiding sex because of erectile dysfunction, or because they have trauma thanks to the 40 stitches they received due to tearing during childbirth. If this were the case, knowing the sex of the person would be pretty important.

quite - but while the OP is away doing something else (maybe having sex?) at least this thread has taught me one thing - the phrase/concept/possible myth that came as news to me - lesbian bed death - for that I thank the OP.
I did read a book recently which quoted research appearing to show that female desire for long term partners appeared to decline faster than men's in heterosexual relationships.

overdalexx · 08/08/2023 08:54

ArcticSkewer · 08/08/2023 08:51

They use it to collect evidence, in their heads if not on reddit, that the advice is different depending on if we think we are talking to a man (have a wank, stop complaining) or a woman (he's cruel, ltb, have an affair)

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yep I had also thought for a while that this might be what may lie behind it.
Frustrating as it may be to read the thread if that was the case I can kind of understand that.

LolaSmiles · 08/08/2023 08:55

If their sex drive has vanished, have they considered speaking to the doctor to establish if there is a medical cause?

My advice would be different depending on whether they:

acknowledge there's a problem
understand that most people in their 30s aren't seeking a sexless relationship
are willing to take practical steps to try to resolve the issue eg. Medical investigation, couples counselling

Or if they:

announce sex is off the table for the foreseeable/ever
refuse to consider that there's a reason behind it/won't address the issue
expect their spouse to suck it up or make these claims in the hope that the spouse will be the one to end things