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Original poster

Im so sad I’ll never have sex again

212 replies

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 21:41

My partner has made it clear they don’t want to have sex with me anymore.
i love them and don’t want to split up with them so I don’t have any other choice but to accept it for what it is.
They say they love me, but they just don’t see me that way anymore and they’re not interested in having sex.
But I’m really sad about it, all the same.

OP posts:
montecarlo7 · 08/08/2023 03:42

You will have sex again. Just not with them.

safetyfreak · 08/08/2023 03:59

Them, they?

Is OP in a polyamorous relatinship? maybe you should talk to your two partners about this.

wheresmymojo · 08/08/2023 04:06

I'm the equivalent of OP's partner in my marrriage.

There are a lot of assumptions being made here...
^
They must be getting it somewhere else^

This is them starting to withdraw from the relationship altogether

None of those are the case with me.

ArcticSkewer · 08/08/2023 04:26

Being whiny and defeatist is never an attractive quality so that's not going to help matters.

You are 38. Very obviously you are going to have sex either with this person or someone else at some point in the future - or you will stop caring about it - you never know! The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself, the further in the future that point is going to be.

wordler · 08/08/2023 05:11

Using the pronoun they as a description for one person rather than plural is perfectly acceptable and normal in the English language when not identifying the sex of the person being described.

Why are so many posters being so weird about it?

The OP is clearly trying to keep the sex of their partner and even themselves out of the issue. And why not - knowing the sex of the OP’s partner isn’t going to help you sympathize with them any better.

wlana · 08/08/2023 05:17

If there are no children involved, then leave him/her.

Gunpowder · 08/08/2023 05:40

Ugh. ’I don’t see you that way’ puts it on you. It’s really unfair.

I would leave. Children or no children. You are still really young. I think there’s a high probability there will be other people you will find sexually attractive who really want that sort of relationship with you. Don’t throw away this huge part of your life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2023 05:49

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 23:23

Op, this needs to be a deal breaker for you, because loving them just isn't enough. Your needs and wants have to align. You are only 38 years old. You are still very young. It's time to make an exit plan.

This. Absolutely.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 08/08/2023 05:51

Having no sex drive or a drastic change of libido can be a sign of potentially serious mental or physical health problems.

Priority 1 should be getting this checked out and treating any health problems that may end up being discovered.

Priority 2: I would suggest couple’s counselling and if possible separate therapy for you (and potentially your DP).

This could be temporary. I would not loose all hope and try to work on your relationship. But that advice is only appropriate if your partner is just as committed.

if your DP is not as committed, I would personally advise you to consider leaving. You are 38! It’s entirely possible that you’ll live an other 50+ plus years. In that case you would have more than half of your life in front of you! That would be a very long time without sexual intimacy.

A complete lack of physical (not necessarily sexual btw!) intimacy would have to be a dealbreaker for me.
I need touch (hugs, kisses, handholds etc.) to feel loved and secure. That’s not shallow or selfish. Having needs and desires is part of being human.
And the same would apply to you if you were to decide that this was a dealbreaker for you.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 08/08/2023 05:55

I would turn it around. ‘I don’t see you in that way anymore’
’Thats sad. So our romantic relationship is over. We can live together, parent together, socialise together but we are no longer a couple. ‘ Then get on tinder.

But if I were you I would just leave.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 08/08/2023 05:56

wheresmymojo · 08/08/2023 04:06

I'm the equivalent of OP's partner in my marrriage.

There are a lot of assumptions being made here...
^
They must be getting it somewhere else^

This is them starting to withdraw from the relationship altogether

None of those are the case with me.

May I ask how you do it? Are you happy in your relationship? Is there a part of you that just doesn’t get fulfilled? Is there compensation (for lack of a better word). I don’t meant financial: are there other aspects of your relationship that may have become more important or more intense?

I hope this isn’t rude. My SO and I went through a nearly sex less episode (he was incredibly stressed and continually exhausted). I tried to be understanding but it nearly broke me/us. And I’m occasionally worried that these times may come back (and stay for good the second time).

LoisSanger · 08/08/2023 06:07

I am in a similar situation to the OP. In my case it’s DH who has no desire to have sex. He’s in his 50s, I’m in my 40s. We’ve been together 12 years and he’s always had ED issues but it was manageable with viagra. His mum died 3 years ago and he’s been taking ADs about 2 years and this may have affected his sex drive but although he’s tried coming off them and swapping to different ones he is better staying on the ones he is.

He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but I get sad. We talk about it which is good but I don’t know how best to react. He is definitely not having sex with anyone else - he also wonders if he may be asexual but I can’t understand how he ever managed to have sex with me then.

So no advice from me but it is a thing that happens.

VinEtFromage · 08/08/2023 06:20

Who1what1me · 07/08/2023 22:01

@Elephantparade1 how old are you?

@Who1what1me

what does it matter? Whether she's 28 or 82, she's allowed to feel what she feels about never having sex again,

@Elephantparade1 how would you feel about a FWB or FB?

i think it's only fair that if your partner no longer wants seX with you, that you are free to have other sexual partners.

perhaps they already are??

FedUpWithEverything123 · 08/08/2023 06:20

What's with all the they/them 🙄

spitefulandbadgrammar · 08/08/2023 06:28

FedUpWithEverything123 · 08/08/2023 06:20

What's with all the they/them 🙄

Well done for spotting this and mentioning it, the first time on a five-page thread, a truly valuable and helpful contribution.

Riapia · 08/08/2023 06:39

About the pronouns.

Possibly the OP is or about to become a trans widow.

Ittakeslonger · 08/08/2023 06:40

I'm so sorry that you have lost this intimacy with your partner. Sex is an important human need and an important part of a loving relationship. Sometimes a loving relationship can continue, if the loss is properly acknowledged, by both partners ( not swept under the carpet), grieved and other forms of intimacy remain ( for example cuddling or companionship).Your partner can't force feelings of sexual attraction to you but neither can you force feeling okay about it. Would it help to seek couples counselling to understand the reasons why.? Lack of sexual attraction can develop for so many reasons, a few are rectifiable. Others are not. Wishing you well.

SD1978 · 08/08/2023 06:59

Going out on a limb, you're male, your partner is female.......what has happened that has made her so disinterested in sex? Often it's a lack of i intimacy, for many it's not juts sex, there is a lot leading up to and around it. You either accept it, try to fix it with then if it's salvageable, or leave. Emotional/ physical affairs because she just doesn't give me that anymore would be the shittiest of the options you have.

Cosmoslove · 08/08/2023 07:00

I think my first question is how is their mental health. Has this stemmed from somewhere? Why wouldn’t they want to have sex with you if they love you. Every relationship is different, but you have to ask yourself what are you getting from this if that’s something they don’t want. Where is the work in the relationship to meet your needs?

DrSbaitso · 08/08/2023 07:13

wheresmymojo · 08/08/2023 04:06

I'm the equivalent of OP's partner in my marrriage.

There are a lot of assumptions being made here...
^
They must be getting it somewhere else^

This is them starting to withdraw from the relationship altogether

None of those are the case with me.

What do you suggest your partner does?

HaddawayAndShite · 08/08/2023 07:18

wordler · 08/08/2023 05:11

Using the pronoun they as a description for one person rather than plural is perfectly acceptable and normal in the English language when not identifying the sex of the person being described.

Why are so many posters being so weird about it?

The OP is clearly trying to keep the sex of their partner and even themselves out of the issue. And why not - knowing the sex of the OP’s partner isn’t going to help you sympathize with them any better.

So many posters outing themselves as either being thick as pig shit and not being able to grasp they as a singular which has been the case since the 14th century, or they’re “pushing back against the woke ridiculousness of pronouns” which also just makes them look thick as I’m this case, it makes no difference what gender the subjects are MNetters are just obsessed what genitals are in someone’s pants.

ElizaAgainn · 08/08/2023 07:19

Who1what1me · 07/08/2023 22:01

@Elephantparade1 how old are you?

I'm wondering if that's a tactful way to say "Are your looks still the same standard as when you got together? Are their looks still the same standard as when you got together?". It's difficult to tell without knowing the answer to that one - as I know there's a previous boyfriend of mine who put on (lots) of weight a while after we'd finished and had a most unflattering haircut and I wouldn't have fancied him any longer because of that. On the other hand - he then subsequently lost a lot of that excess weight and had a better haircut and I could see why I had previously fancied him (though age, of itself, had had a negative effect on his looks - and that's something that happens to all of us unfortunately - even ones who were absolutely gorgeous when they were younger, eg Brigitte Bardot and Alain Delon come to mind.....). If his looks have got worse - whether through age or neglect and so have yours = still the same standard as each other and puzzling indeed. If his looks haven't got worse and yours have = maybe it's a situation that can be "rescued". Without photos it's difficult to tell what has happened (in respect of both people) to know whether there's a (possible) solution there - or whether there isn't a "looks imbalance" and he's gone off sex totally forevermore with anyone/everyone (no matter what they look like) and that's a sad situation if so and I'm afraid I don't know what the answer to that one is...

The looks thing is indeed sometimes a problem I know personally - as I used to be attractive etc - but the years have passed and I know I need to lose 2 stones weight as well, but that won't be enough for men to fancy me any longer either (as my skin has changed and so have my eyes) and I've had to resign myself to thinking "At my age = that looks like that's that, even after I've lost that excess weight and, with that, will be able to get back into my nicer clothes" So - looks like no sex for me either I'm afraid - and it's not a nice position to be in I do know.

drhf · 08/08/2023 07:23

Riapia · 08/08/2023 06:39

About the pronouns.

Possibly the OP is or about to become a trans widow.

I wondered that too. OP, if your partner has recently come out as trans, try posting on the current Trans Widows thread (no 5?). You’ll get much more relevant advice there.

If your partner is a woman, ignore all the “lesbian bed death” stuff from PP. You’re right to want to be happy and fulfilled, regardless of the sex (and gender) of your partner. My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years, and if we stopped having sex I wouldn’t just say “LBD” and resign myself to celibacy.

ArcticSkewer · 08/08/2023 07:36

VinEtFromage · 08/08/2023 06:20

@Who1what1me

what does it matter? Whether she's 28 or 82, she's allowed to feel what she feels about never having sex again,

@Elephantparade1 how would you feel about a FWB or FB?

i think it's only fair that if your partner no longer wants seX with you, that you are free to have other sexual partners.

perhaps they already are??

Show quote history

A. If 'she' (frankly unlikely) was 28 then it's a self-pitying moan as this person will obviously have sex again - either they will leave, their partner will leave, or die, or they will have an affair or use hook ups or prostitutes (because 'they' are more likely to than 'she' would be)

B. If 'they' were 80 then, yes, it's more likely they are just feeling sadness at what they realise is most likely the end of their sex life.

They are 38, so it's A.

aperolspriitz · 08/08/2023 07:39

Elephantparade1 · 07/08/2023 22:41

It’s just difficult to know isn’t it. The grass might not be greener.
I feel disgusting though… I don’t want to have sex with just anyone, I want to have sex with them, but they have said they no longer have a sex drive and just don’t see me in that way anymore.

Please don't feel disgusting. I'm sure you are not undesirable at all. This is something that can happen in long term relationships when sexual feelings ebb and flow.

Has your partner said anything about why they feel the way they do? Did you previously have a great sex life or has it always been a bit lacking? It's interesting if their feelings have suddenly changed.

I don't think that you should just accept this because it's something that you obviously need. You can be sensitive to your partner's needs whilst also verbalising your own needs. I really think some couples therapy could be a good way of supporting you both to discuss your feelings and a way forward.

Your partner shouldn't have to have sex if they don't want to, but at the same time, you really can't be expected to supress your sexuality forever. It's all looking a bit incompatible and you need to find a way forward that isn't denying who you are or what you need.

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