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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had DH arrested yesterday

280 replies

Neverimagined · 03/08/2023 23:41

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 03/08/2023 23:43

I don't know what to say to you, how awful, you've done the right thing Flowers

AMuser · 03/08/2023 23:44

Well done for calling the police. Women’s Aid can help you with next steps. Jesus. He’s a bloody pig.

AMuser · 03/08/2023 23:45

You are entitled to legal aid for divorce costs if you have been subject to DV.

justasking111 · 03/08/2023 23:46

I'm so sorry 😞

humus · 03/08/2023 23:49

So sorry he has put you and the children through this, he has no right, whatever his excuses. You have absolutely done the right thing. Get as much support as you can. Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that, if will help you move on. Hope you and the kids are ok .

BounceyB · 03/08/2023 23:53

I know this isn't going to help you but well done for calling the police on him 👏 And for making the decision to leave.

LonelyFlans · 03/08/2023 23:57

So sorry you're dealing with this but well done for calling the police. Has he been removed from the house/prevented from coming back?

You can do this, contact woman's aid for advice. Will your family help you?

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 23:57

Any friends or family you can rely on OP.

What a terrible thing to do to you 😡

purpleboy · 03/08/2023 23:59

So sorry op, i seriously commend you though for not taking that shit.
Your dd will thank you one day.

Fiddlersgreen · 04/08/2023 00:00

You’ve taken the bravest step.
Good for you and your children.
Are you safe now? He can’t come back to the home?

DNLove · 04/08/2023 00:01

You don't feel it right now but you are so strong to have done that that. Keep the fire of anger burning and let it fuel you. Your children and you deserve better. Stay safe

Flittingaboutagain · 04/08/2023 00:04

You are so brave. Have the police offered any links for emotional support agencies or charities locally? You need a village now.

I've been there with two under two and it's hard enough without this trauma for you and your three kids. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
Neverimagined · 04/08/2023 00:07

Thank you everyone, especially for the suggestions to call Women's Aid, that seems like a good place to start. I had no idea about legal aid. I'm not sure why I'm posting really, I think because I can't sleep and I'm struggling to process everything.

I just can't reconcile the man I fell in love with and married with the man who did that to me yesterday. However, looking back with this as context, it's clear that I was a bit of a boiled frog. Some things I thought were perfectly harmless and normal have been called coercive and controlling by my family and the police as I've been talking things over. I have a lot to process.

My family and friends have all rallied round and he's been bailed with conditions so he can't contact me or come to the house. It feels like this is the calm before the storm though and I'm going to have a fight on my hands soon.

A friend pointed out that a good man would be wracked with guilt, begging for forgiveness and promising to change, not trying to justify it and convince my family that I'm mentally ill. I'm so sad that he's not a good man, I really thought he was. Everyone did. It was completely unprovoked. I was so ill I could barely stand up.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 04/08/2023 00:11

He's not a good man.

Well done to you for reporting him to police. Things will get better from here and you won't look back.

Definitely call woman's aid and accept the support from your friends and family.

ParisP · 04/08/2023 00:14

You’re doing all the right things.

a good man wouldn’t have done that to you. A good man would have ensured you rested and made you cups of tea and chicken soup to drink in bed.

Anxioys · 04/08/2023 00:23

Well done. Do not speak to him. If he turns up, you call the police.

Contact your friends. He will. Ignore his family.

Lundy Bancroft is wise. Read that book and don't look back.

Best of luck.

CoffeeandCakeNow · 04/08/2023 00:24

As mad as it sounds right now, it's probably easier that he's not showing any remorse... He isn't trying to talk you into giving him another chance or BSing about how sorry he is. If he was "sorry" you may have doubted your decision. Take care and be proud of yourself

TimeToMoveIt · 04/08/2023 00:33

Well done for phoning the police, its hard. As pp said speak to womens aid and also the support of family and friends . There no going back now, just remember your 9 year old dd who must have also been so frightened and try to find your inner anger 💐💐

Original poster
Neverimagined · 04/08/2023 00:38

CoffeeandCakeNow · 04/08/2023 00:24

As mad as it sounds right now, it's probably easier that he's not showing any remorse... He isn't trying to talk you into giving him another chance or BSing about how sorry he is. If he was "sorry" you may have doubted your decision. Take care and be proud of yourself

You are so right, thank you. I need to hang on to these words of wisdom and strength from all of you when the shock and adrenaline wears off and the grief sets in. I keep telling myself I'm doing this for DD. She was petrified and there's no way I'm letting her grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 04/08/2023 00:39

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If your DC are at nursery or school it is possible that they will have been informed that the police were called to your property due to DV.

FOJN · 04/08/2023 00:42

I'm so glad you called the police. If he turns up at the house don't hesitate to call them again.

Do not answer the phone or speak to him, he will lie and manipulate whatever you say.

Give yourself a few days to recover from the shock before you start thinking about a plan for how you handle divorce from a man who is going to be awful about it.

Your priority is to keep yourself and your children safe. Use all the family help you can get.

Keep posting here, you will get great support and practical advice.

I hope you are feeling better from the illness you were suffering from yesterday.

Adarajames · 04/08/2023 00:50

Well done op, what an amazing woman you are! I’m sorry he treated you so badly, and I hope you are feeling better from the illness, but you are a strong and great Mum for showing your DD that she doesn’t have to put up with such treatment. Take care of yourself as you’ll likely be suffering with shock, and good that family and friends are there to support you

JFDIYOLO · 04/08/2023 01:01

Well done, OP, really well done. I do hope you're with family and friends and feeling better.

MummyofTw0 · 04/08/2023 01:04

Welldone for calling the police.
You're being a great role model to your daughter that this behaviour Will not be tolerated

Wishing you lots of love x