I had DH arrested yesterday

[Neverimagined]

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

I do hear what everyone is saying. I'm taking on board all of the comments. But @adriftabroad can I ask why you think it would be so idiotic?

It just hurts so much and he has no idea. I feel like I need him to know.

I'm barely coping today. I barely slept again and I'm struggling to function. My dad has had to come and stay (again) to help me look after the babies and I can tell DD is affected by my mood. I've never been this low.

Yesterday I tried to have a bit of a pamper, had my nails done and had a bath and put on a bit of fake tan (I'm very pale and DH was always very against me tanning because he liked me white) in the hope that it would cheer me up and make me feel a bit better. It did not. It just made me feel a bit pathetic caring about my appearance so much when I have nobody to look nice for.

Meanwhile I can't get the thoughts of DH with someone else out of my head. How do I detatch from him?

It would be idiotic because if the abuse gets to court you've shown him your hand of cards (so to speak).

I'm sorry that the next bit is going to be blunt but you need to read it and re-read it when you get the feeling that you might either want him back or want to get back with him. It is a harsh read.

He was aware that you were ill. It just didn't matter to him.
He dragged you out of your sick bed because you didn't matter to him but he needed his servant to serve his needs, whatever they were at the time.
He doesn't care that your milk is drying up because of what he's putting you through, because you didn't and don't matter to him.
You held him in higher esteem than he did for you. You could have been anyone, any female at all, any woman that he could have sex with. You, personally, didn't matter to him.

Can someone take photos of your bruises and you print them off and put them up on the inside door of your wardrobe? I'm suggesting that you put them there because they won't be visible by your children most of the time but you need to remember even after the actual bruising fades, that this person did that to you and destroyed your family.

For the time being, you have to channel the despair and turn it into anger. How dare he do those things to you! How dare his behaviour affect you so significantly that your milk is drying up! How dare he!!!

Find your rage. Channel it but don't write him the letter. If you feel you need someone to write to, make it your solicitor!!!

You also need to be seen by your GP so that they can help you, if you're not sleeping or with other things that they may have access to (support etc.).

Because he does not care, he does not care at all and will use it any way he can and see you as desperately trying to reconcilliate.

It will end very badly and you will look weak. You are but must not show it. He is, but is fighting, using your family.

You want him to say sorry? Then what? Why?

How do I detatch from him?

You look at your dd and see what she had to witnesses from the bastard who beat her mother in front of her own eyes, the same DD who at 8 years old had to slap a man as he was beating her mother.

The sane man your we’re already leaving as he was treating your dd abysmally and walking on egg shells.

Your grief will pass your dd memories won’t!

Thank you. Your message is harsh but it's what I need to hear and what I need to keep reminding myself.

Is that why he jumped straight to 'well I want to divorce her anyway'? Because he doesn't care about me?

I feel so unlovable. And like such a failure. We've only been married for 2 years.

Correct: He does NOT care about you (or his children)

I'm going to write the letter, but only to get the words and thoughts down on paper and out of my mind. And then I'm going to delete all of his accounts from my phone, laptop, everything. I've driven myself crazy today looking for 'evidence' that he was with someone else last night. And why? I'm never going to take him back. I need to just accept that he doesn't love or care about me, instead of looking for either a sign that he does or proof that he doesn't.

You are not the failure here.

HE IS.

He grabbed you by your hair, dragged you out of your bed, for what? Because he wanted a divorce? There are much easier and far less brutal ways to go about divorcing someone.

You are loveable. Just not by him. Don't let him be your yardstick for who is and isn't loveable.

Get a hug from your Dad. If he's in the house with you, do it now. Your children love you. They love you very very much. You are their rock. You will get through this. I want so much to give you a shake to snap you out of this melancholy and also to give you a hug because no one deserves to have been treated as you have.

Good girl. Be strong.

Definitely remove all of his social media accounts from your devices.
Stop following him on X or Insta or wherever you did your communications.

If necessary, get a new phone number as a sign for your new start in life without him. He can still use the old one to communicate to you with but it's not going to be your primary number going forwards. That number is going to be the old you.

Start setting up a new email address for friends and family to communicate to you on. If you're giving details to your DD's school, use the new email address and again, the old one is the one he gets to use to communicate to you on. That way, when you're divorced, you have no real requirement to hang on to the number or the email address.

Do not send him a letter. It will just give him untold pleasure to realise he has hurt you so badly.

He will also use it say she is mentally unstable as "it wasn't that bad, she's attention seeking and exaggerating".

You say that you have no-one to look nice for... but you absolutely have.

The most important person in the world

YOURSELF.

This is the way he wants you to feel. This is what he has been working at for such a long time. Undermining you. Putting you down. Making you question everything about yourself and your standards and values. Judging you, to the point you live round about him, and his wants and his wishes.
I know you dont think you are important, but you are.. you have three kids and you are the centre of their world.. you have family who love you.. ypu have friends who care.
So paint your nails, do your hair, and be proud of your strength, as a woman, a mother and as a valuanle human being.
You dont need to think about bejng with anyone else... that is for the future... you have plenty of time... so take that time, now, for yourself.

I'm sorry OP for what I'm about to say.

Right now he has no idea that I was genuinely ill, no idea how much he physically injured me (I was covered in bruises and my arm and shoulder are still hurting) and no idea how much emotional pain I'm in right now.

^^You posted that. You also posted this:
he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

Of course he already knows. No sane person drags another down the stairs. No normal person. No nice or kind person. You know who does that? A sick and twisted abuser who managed to hide his true self from you. He knows OP, and for you to send a letter explaining how you feel will give him power over you, it will make him happy how hurt you are. It will make him smile.

Do. Not. Send. A. Letter.

Sending a letter makes you look weak - like you still need him to care! Document everything he did so you can tell the court.

Personally I'd keep track of the fucker and have a heads up if he is going near the kids or your house.

He knew that he was hurting you and he LOVED doing it.
Keep the letter and read it as a victim statement.

Oh lovely. You want to write the letter because you want him to apologise and show he cares. He really doesn't. And even if he did say sorry, and beg forgiveness. Then what? You take him back and live a happily every after? It won't happen.

I had a distantish relative in a similar situation. She took him back. Social services took her son and placed him with his dad, the dad (who was a useless manchild initially - same as you describe your ex) stepped up, his family helped and he got his son, because although the mum had chosen to go back, it was agreed it wasn't best for the son to live with him, the son wanted nothing to do with his mums violent nasty husband, and he now has no contact with his mum.

even if you miss him, you'd said he was critical with your lovely DD. The same DD who slapped him to keep him off you. If you reconcile at all with him, you pick him over her.

It is so hard to believe that he does not care about you. I understand how devastating this is. I’m am where you are now all be in almost 5 years down the line. My DH kicked me out of the house. I had not one cent to my name. 3 children with me. It was horrendous and the hardest thing has been realising he did not and does not care. I’ve had to pick my self esteem up from the floor but you know what? I did it. You will too and you are and will be a shining beacon for your kids. You are worth so much more than what he can give you. You deserve so much more. Keep saying that to yourself and one day you will believe it. You are amazing. Massive hugs to you.

Please go to your GP and please have the photos takens - with date the indicent happen and location of the bruises.

You'll need time to get to know what you WANT and need, the abuse may have been going longer than you know and you may have adpated your behvaiour to please him etc.

Delete his goggle account as that has hold over you.

Write a letter to yourself instead, write how wonderful, beautiful and brave you are, because you are.

If you have a friends who will be your strength, use them - they will want you to.

‘even if you miss him, you'd said he was critical with your lovely DD. The same DD who slapped him to keep him off you. If you reconcile at all with him, you pick him over her.’

keep reading these wise words OP, and when you feel yourself weakening go back and read them again.

You existed as a person before this horror or a man targeted you, and you will exist again. Right now it seems you need to do a lot of work on yourself to recognise who you are (brave valuable person in your own right), what you are (mother to 3 DC). Your value didn’t begin and end when you married this guy and I wonder if you felt rescued and had your happy ever after ending when he came in the scene and it is the loss of that which is so painful. There is a lot to unpick here with a counsellor.

Gently OP, at the moment your posts are full of him - what he thinks, what he feels, what he must be feeling - there is not a lot in there about your DD, who has been through a massive trauma here. Not a lot about you, and how someone thought it was ok to do that to you. Ill or not.

How would you be feeling if a stranger had attacked you in front of DD?Channel that feeling. A male unrelated to her has attacked her and her mum in her home. Her long term sense of safety is under threat here because it is linked to how well she thinks you are able to recognise the outrageous harm done to you and show her you value yourself appropriately, protect her, recognise the wrong done to her and advocate for her. Not just around what happened but for any relationship you may have in the future.
Freedom programme might be a good place to start when your head is in the space for it.

@Neverimagined

Can someone take photos of your bruises and you print them off and put them up on the inside door of your wardrobe? I'm suggesting that you put them there because they won't be visible by your children most of the time but you need to remember even after the actual bruising fades, that this person did that to you and destroyed your family.

OP This is good advice from @LookItsMeAgain. I'd also suggest you send them to the police who arrested him (call and get the exact name and email address to send them to) so there's documented evidence of his physical violence against you. Also send them to your solicitor, together with a copy of your police report if available so they have a complete record of what happened when you were attacked.

Remember to remove him as beneficiary on your pension, life insurance, employer death in service benefit, and anything similar including your Will at some stage. 🌹

Also OP, when you find the passports, take a photo of them - particularly the information page - on your smartphone and mail them to your cloud account (ensure your password is tight and unique there) plus to your dad. That way if you ever need to report them lost/missing/stolen or just block usage of them you'll have the information easily to hand. Don't forget to nominate someone else to be your Next of Kin with your doctor/hospital.

Additionally, consider adding an additional secure lock to your doors plus a door chain which should be on at all times you are indoors, plus a camera phone so you get alerted of who's at your front door. Your friends/family can help you with those.

You are doing incredibly well - what you're going through is so hard, so it's great you have support in real life as well as here. 🌹

If he is on bail then I would suggest letting the police know about his plans to leave the country......just saying.....

The thing us op, he DOES know.

Of course he knows. He knows every little hurt he has caused you.

You don't need to explain it to him.

Thats what abusers do- act like they don't know. Act like they don't get it. Act like you are overreacting.

He knows what he has done to you.

Don't waste any more energy explaining to shit people why their shit behaviour is shit.

It's a waste. Because he will always ACT like he just doesn't get it. But he does. He just doesn't want you to know that. He wants you to waste your life trying to fund the right words to explain your perfectly valid feelings to him.

There are no right words. Because he doesn't want there to be.

Get off the merry go round and stay off it.