I had DH arrested yesterday

[Neverimagined]

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

Thank you @FOJN. I didn't realise at the time but it turns out that I have a tooth abscess and the infection had started to spread, so I was shaking and weak and sweating and could hardly stand up. Thankfully I dragged myself to the dentist purely because the pain was unbearable, and after a couple of days of antibiotics I'm feeling much better.

Given the messages he's sent to my family though, he seems to think that I was simply being difficult due to the latest mental health condition he's diagnosed me with, PMDD, which he says has 'coincidentally' come back after almost 3 years of me being pregnant and breastfeeding my 2 boys. As if being too unwell to get out of bed somehow equates to being on an uncontrollable hormonal rampage.

He's always tried to convince me I have something wrong with me mentally and as well as PMDD he's suggested I have OCD, ADHD, autism, borderline personality disorder and probably more. It's exhausting. He is never ever in the wrong, and if I disagree with him, am upset by anything or get annoyed in any way then it's because I'm crazy or hormonal. I now believe this is gaslighting, but for such a long time I believed him that I was the problem and bent over backwards to work on myself and try to change for him.

Now he's gone I'm starting to realise how much DD and I were living on eggshells around him. Like I said I have a lot to process. However, I am also absolutely terrified that he's going to try to make me look crazy in court and try to take my boys. He's an expert at twisting things around. He's going to be a nightmare to divorce and co-parent with because if there's one thing he cannot stand it's not being in control.

Thank you all for your words of support and for giving me a space to vent and process all of this.

I just wanted to say bloody well done for calling the police and making the hard but brave and totally right decision not to tolerate this monster for you or your kids.

@Neverimagined

Good on you OP.

A small thing- your post says 'I had DH arrested'. I encourage you to reframe this in your mind to 'DH's criminal behaviour towards me led to his arrest.'

His choices brought you here. Not yours.

Well done for protecting your kids. If there is even a sneaking suspicion that you are not safe, please try to have someone stay with you, or find a place to go to with the kids. Call the police again if he turns up.

Don't worry about the coparenting at this stage (frankly, I can't see him having unsupervised visits for a while - it may be that by the time you get to the point at which this is an option that your DD gets a voice in terms of what she wants. I hope your DD is ok.

@Neverimagined

(((HUG)))

have you got anyone that could come & stay for a few nights??

it's late now but if you were a friend I'd come over now.

is DD not his?

is her Dad around? Would he be any support?

how is your abscess doing now?

you have done the right thing!! You are stronger than you feel right now. Keep your anger (given how he's behaving that shouldn't be too hard!!)

iwill all be fine in the end, if it's not fine - it's not the end!!

You’ve taken actions that may well have saved your life. You’re not responsible for someone else’s violence.

When I hear about men who frame women as hormonal, I often wonder why we don’t talk about men’s hormonal problems. Violent aggression etc. Oh yeah, it’s because we’ve been gaslit for thousands of years. Stick an oestrogen patch on them I reckon.

OP , I appreciate you’re in turmoil now as everything feels like it’s been destabilised. But as a DV survivor who’s come out the other side, let me tell you, you’ve done exactly the right thing and you will be happier for it. And soon. It comes quickly, the sense of freedom , the energy, the brightness . Never doubt this, never question whether this was the right thing to do , it was and your daughter will thank you for it too. I wish you peace and health and I’m excited for your happier future. You’re a strong women and you did good.

You didnt "have" him arrested.

He got arrested as a result of his actions.

You know that the police dont just arrest someone on the say so of someone else. They have to have a good reason to do it. They saw a good reason to arrest him. They also saw good reason to bail him with conditions to not contact you, so they see that he is still a risk to you and the kids.

Just to forwarn you, because your DD was there and witnessed this, Social Services will be informed. That is a GOOD thing for you, although I am sure you dont feel it now.

You dont want him back and they can help to keep you safe. They can help you to organise their contact with him (at a contact centre) if you ask them. Engage with them, please.

And in the meantime, if you dont have one, get a Ring type doorbell just in case he decides to turn up. Keep every message etc and ask you family to do the same, it will help.

Then breathe and cry and breathe. You will get there sweetheart, I promise.

from one who was there, and is now living her best life xxx

Coudlnt agree more

You are a warrior. You CAN do this. Believe in yourself.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, and it makes me feel sick. I can't offer any serious advice though.

Get out and don't look back!

Totally different situation, but for what it is worth, me and my DH have been together for 23 years, and we've argued and it has been a little bit physical in the earlier days (alcohol induced ridiculousness - no hitting, just restraining), no excuses, but we are both men. We have no children. He's a lot stronger than me. It was usually me that caused the arguments due to grief.

If he ever dragged me out of bed and down the stairs, we'd be over. I wouldn't have ever dreamt of doing that to him, not because I was scared that he was stronger, but just because it isn't normal.

Take care love. You deserve better.

I'm really sorry he did that to you
You must have been terrified.
Well done for having him arrested
You will get legal aid for your divorce due to DV
Do the basics to get you through each hour. Everything else can wait.
The most important thing is you and DC are safe now he's gone.

Well done for ringing the police.

While you have the house to yourself, do all your detective work, get copies of things like payslips, bank statements, pension statements etc. Also get all yours & dc birth certificates & passports, put everything in a safe place. Contact a solicitor, take all the financial stuff & ask about a non molestation order, this is more long term than his bail conditions & would give you more protection, should he break it, he could be sent to prison. I know you are in shock at the moment, but you need to start as you mean to go on. If you have friends who have divorced, ask for recommendations for a solicitor or speak to Women's Aid who may recommend one, you need someone who won't take any shit from him & will fight for you. If you have any injuries, take photographs of them for evidence. You must feel like your world has been turned upside down, but I promise you it will get better.

The is true but the op has agency. I’d say the above, but I’d also say and the ops bravery and strength of mind to recognise how not ok this is while being very unwell and get the police involved. Huge bunch of flowers for you op, well done.

@Codlingmoths

True. I didn't mean to diminish OP's bravery at all.

Just wanted to clarify for OP that DH is now interacting with the criminal justice system because of his criminal behaviour. She shouldn't be gaslit by him or anyone into thinking it's her fault he is in trouble, or her obligation to save him from consequences.

A lot of women get pressured and bullied into dropping charges and withdrawing their complaints.

Your poor daughter. I hope you can get her into therapy. She's the real victim in all of this mess.

Good luck.

I am sure the OP is very concerned for her DD, poor little girl, must have been traumatic. The OP must already feel terrible at her child having witnessed the attack.

But the way you wrote your post implies that the OP is not a 'real victim'. What the hell?

OP you are a brave woman and everything is going to get better fast.

Big hugs and best of luck OP.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING CALLING THE POLICE AND YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER PROTECTING HER CHILDREN ABOVE ALL ELSE. WELL DONE.

It was focussing on her DD that helped my friend stand up to her abusive DP and call the police. He hit her in front of her DD and she says she realised in that moment what she did following that would impact her daughter forever as she would either demonstrate to her that it was acceptable and she should just put up with it or demonstrate that it was never acceptable and she chose the latter and the police and Women’s Aid supported her.

What your DH did to you is never acceptable especially when you were at your most vulnerable and by calling the police you have made it much less likely your daughter will ever accept that kind of behaviour in future.

It may feel like you have reached rock bottom but the emphasis is on the rock. You have found your unshakeable core underneath all the doubt he sowed for so long and from that core you have found the strength to be the Mama Bear your children need to protect them.

I would also book in to see your GP as you say your DH keeps ‘diagnosing’ you with mental health problems. Discussing it with an objective health professional would help you see things more clearly (ie it was his behaviour that was unacceptable not you being at fault because of some ‘mental illness’) and your GP could also refer you for counselling as you are still at risk of postnatal depression with so
much going on. Similarly your health visitor would be a good person to speak to as they can help you access support.

Best of luck xx

@Neverimagined I think you are very brave to call the police on this man. Great advice here too. My ex was abusive, not physically but certainly terrifying. I tried to manage the situation calmly and get him to go. Thank god he did, and I've never looked back. Many of his partners went down the police route and I could completely see why. I just felt too frightened.

You've put your daughter first and that's a huge thing.

I am so glad you have begun the process of getting rid of your husband. It sounds like it is not before time. Change the locks and either go to stay with someone you trust, or invite them to stay with you. You have to think about yourself to be the best mother you can be and I'm sure your children will appreciate your bravery going forward.

Speaking as a person who grew up in a home of domestic violence, you have absolutely done the right thing for you and your kids.
But now comes the hard part - staying strong and sticking to this decision.
Do. Not. Take. Him. Back.
No matter what he says or does, do not believe him.
My mother would call the police, they'd get involved, but somehow my father would weasle his way back in, and it broke my heart to watch the cycle continue.
You've got this ❤️

I’m so sorry for you how dare he do that 🙁
somebody said on here once, something that stuck with me,
they see women like an appliance, that does housework and childcare and when it’s “not working” , they get angry at it
they literally do not see us as human beings

what is wrong with him that he can’t look after his own children?? it’s pathetic , he is a monster

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but I’m also so happy you can now move forward and be happy with your children. No, he won’t make it easy but it’d be impossible to be happy if you were still with him. Now you, and your kids, have the best chance of a great life.

Please lean on the support available here and through Women’s Aid. So many have been there and will help.

I am in awe of your strength, you did the right thing 💐💐💐