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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had DH arrested yesterday

280 replies

Neverimagined · 03/08/2023 23:41

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 04/08/2023 10:10

Hope you got some sleep .
@BertieBotts covered what I was going to say probably better than I could . His now role will be to try and get you back under his control. Do expect him to switch - he will tell you he is truly sorry at some point - he isn’t.
Do you have a joint account? Be aware he may just take the money out . How old is little one are you near the end of mat leave ? Can you return earlier than planned . You can apply for Universal Credit it will help pay for childcare.
women aid not only supported myself but Ds too.

last thing sort documents out any financial agreements., his ni number is useful .

also things like does he have sky sports etc cancel them asap .

squashi · 04/08/2023 10:15

Stay strong OP, even if he appears remorseful or prepared to change at any point. It sounds as if you have people who can support you - make the most!

adriftabroad · 04/08/2023 10:21

Wise thing DD (14) said to me when STBXH was convicted for this type of thing was: "mama, the judge knew this wouldnt have been the first time hes been abusive".

As a PP says, police do not just arrest on a whim.

You have done ABSOLUTELY the right thing. It (the abuse) actually MAKES you depressed and ill eventually (did me, I think).
I had to show very little evidence. But DD backing up what happened was good.

(I was accused for years of alcoholism and mental health) yet he still contests the divorce... doesnt make sense does it?

Do not worry.

Well done. You are incredibly strong x

PansyP · 04/08/2023 10:29

Sending strength and good wishes OP. Nothing could ever justify his behaviour. You will have a battle but you can do it. Take all the help and support you can.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 04/08/2023 10:38

Well done OP!

As a child who grew up in a DV home, the fact that you rang the police straight away has made me tear up for your DC who will always see the incredible example you’ve set.

In the eyes of the law witnessing domestic violence is child abuse.
So when the pangs of guilt or loneliness come, remember that he is guilty of child abuse and that for your DCs sake you cannot have him in your home.

There is another thread that has been going on where the woman hadn’t called the police and I hope by reading yours she will have the strength to do so.

There is absolutely no justification for what he did at all.
He can’t turn it around and say you’re mentally ill etc (he can try but no one will believe him) because if that was the case he’d be allowing you to stay in bed whilst he protected the kids.

As a PP said when these things happen everyone knows it’s not the first instance of abusive behaviour.

Abuse escalates.
You don’t meet someone and then they instantly punch you, else you’d immediately leave.

It starts very subtle and never physical. So subtle that you don’t even see the signs. Then it slowly increases but because you’ve gotten to know them you think they’re just having a bad day or that no one’s perfect etc and make excuses for their little niggles as it’s so normal to you.

And then it escalates into physical and by then you’ve been gas lighted and controlled so much that many women will blame themselves or think it was just a one off.
It never is just a one off.

ihadamarveloustime · 04/08/2023 10:39

Print your posts out here and take them with you when you get legal advice. When you talk to the police. When you talk to Women's Aid. Keep writing it all day so you don't forget any of it and what he's actually like and how he treats you.

I'm so sorry, but your life will be so much better without him in the long run.

adriftabroad · 04/08/2023 10:40

Also, OP, you will not have to "prove you were ill". Its irrelevant really.

You should not be treated like this, especially in front of a DC whatever the circumstance. Fullstop. End. No excuses needed.

You are still in the "trying to justify yourself" stage. You do not need to.

Busybeemumm · 04/08/2023 10:48

adriftabroad · 04/08/2023 10:40

Also, OP, you will not have to "prove you were ill". Its irrelevant really.

You should not be treated like this, especially in front of a DC whatever the circumstance. Fullstop. End. No excuses needed.

You are still in the "trying to justify yourself" stage. You do not need to.

Agree-PP mentioned going to a dentist to prove you had an infection- not needed imo as you don't need to prove you were unwell. You could be totally fine in your health and even so his actions are not acceptable. You being sick is his excuse for being violent. Next time it could be you looked at him in the wrong way or absolutely anything. It's no life living on eggshells.

adriftabroad · 04/08/2023 10:50

Precisely.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 04/08/2023 11:03

adriftabroad · 04/08/2023 10:40

Also, OP, you will not have to "prove you were ill". Its irrelevant really.

You should not be treated like this, especially in front of a DC whatever the circumstance. Fullstop. End. No excuses needed.

You are still in the "trying to justify yourself" stage. You do not need to.

Exactly!

He literally doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

There is absolutely no reason to do what he did.
There is no excuse that he can ever give as to why he did it.

Do not worry about all the excuses he’ll try and come up with it if he’s going to try and paint you in a bad light because no one will believe him.

BonneMamanIsMyJam · 04/08/2023 11:07

Gosh that sounds tough. Well done.
You can also contact the NGO Rights of Women who provide legal advice to survivors of domestic abuse and also have lots of legal guides on their website for free

tattygrl · 04/08/2023 11:13

What a brave, strong and incredible woman you are, OP. You're being a wonderful parent right now. Well done for calling the police, it can be so very hard to do. I hope you are receiving love, care and tenderness from people in your life right now. We're all here for you.

Beaverbridge · 04/08/2023 11:37

How horrendous. Good for you calling police. Dirty abusive rat. Glad you have support lovely.

bonzaitree · 04/08/2023 11:38

Stay strong DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!

MadeForThis · 04/08/2023 11:40

Well done. Stay strong. Everyone will see him for what he is.

Fraaahnces · 04/08/2023 11:47

I’m guessing your ex is in no way qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. How “opinions” about your mental state are never going to invalidate his DV charges.

PoshPineapple · 04/08/2023 11:59

I'm so sorry you have gone through this - what a brave lady you are, you've done absolutely the right thing, although I guess it probably doesn't feel like that at the moment.

I've no words of wisdom to impart, but you've had some really helpful advice on here and glad to read that you are drawing strength and encouragement from it.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 04/08/2023 12:05

As many others have said, well done for phoning the police. He's complete and utter scum. 💐

peacocktail · 04/08/2023 12:08

Be very careful, it is not just the good men who apologise and beg for forgiveness. Well, done for doing the right thing for you and your children.
Stay strong, men like this are drawn to what they perceive as weakness. I hope you feel better soon.

Pinkbonbon · 04/08/2023 12:12

I'd avoid that bankroft book for now. It's really hard reading and he worked with the most violent of offenders. People will recommend it but really id avoid it for now.

YouTube videos on narcissists might be more bitesized and useful though. Maybe search 'the narcissist smear campaign' and 'what narcissists do when you leave them'. So you can prepare and know his tactics.

Don't accept random Facebook requests, it could be him. And don't answer calls from unknown numbers!

The freedom programme is a brilliant idea.also take the time when you are able, to sit down with your nine year old and explain that men who hit women belong in jail. That this might not happen due to various factors. But that no matter what, you won't be going back to him. And that you two can maybe sit down one day and discuss how to spot red flags of men being abusive. Because ALL abuse is wrong. But that you are going to take some time yourself to read up on that too.

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2023 12:15

Get advice from Women’s Aid about an occupation order for the house/keeping him out. It isn’t safe for you to be in the same space. Let your family know how violent he’s been and ask them to block him, maybe have one person as an intermediary. You poor thing, I hope you can divorce his sorry arse asap.

Pinkbonbon · 04/08/2023 12:22

Ps: he won't be able to just 'take your boys' anyway. Even women never get full custody, let alone men.

Also, he doesn't want custody. Think about it, he attacked you for even wanting one day off from child caring. You'll be lucky (or unlucky lol) if he can be arsed even seeing the kids every week.

But you can also be like 'you need to step up and be a father and take the kids 50/50' because if he thinks you WANT that, he'll go against it xD reverse psychology and all that.

I mean you're probably an expert at this already as often in abusive relationships you fund yourself subconsciously playing down things that are important to you incase they ruin it. At of abusers pull that shit. If you say 'I want 3 free days per week so I can date' lol,he'll NEVER take the kids.

NarcNarc · 04/08/2023 12:38

Well done for taking the first step towards removing this vicious man from yours and your children’s lives OP. Glad to hear you’re feeling physically better too.

I’ve not had to cope with physical violence for years but I’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse and it sounds as though you have too. Please read Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That”? if you can. It explained so much to me that I immediately reread it.

Dr Les Carter also does very insightful and informative podcasts, as does Dr Ramani. I relied on them both heavily to work out what my partner had been doing to me consistently for years on end. Like your partner, he was never wrong, blamed all problems on me and “diagnosed” me with a multitude of mental health issues, not acknowledging that he had, in fact, been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a personality disorder.

If you can afford private therapy for yourself and your daughter I’d encourage you to get that as soon as possible. The wait for NHS therapy is endless, sadly ☹️

Best of luck to you and your family. Stay strong xx

roses321 · 04/08/2023 12:55

Hiya.
I just want to say I hope you are very proud of yourself for what you did because it was brave and 100% the right thing to do. Coercive control sneaks up on you so so slowly that you don't even realise it.

I have just left someone who was coercively controlling and thank goodness no children. He has our house and boiled frog is correct... boiled slowly. In the end something so big happens you are forced to wake up, unfortunately for me even him being violent (never hit me but broke things and grabbed me and intimidated me) didn't even wake me up.

I was also called mental/unstable and ended up on medication. This part is going to be very hard but trust me once you are on the other side you will be so happy you did what you did. I know that you can't believe that he has done this, I couldn't either - you just can't imagine it ever happening.

I am convinced he would have eventually hit me if I hadn't left.

For the sake of your children and yourself you have been massively massively strong in doing this and you will get help from womens aid.

My advice is to go to your GP and make a report of what has happened to you and they can put you in touch with a charity rather than you waiting on the phone. That is what I did. You can get your post redirected and they can help you if DV has occurred. You will get legal aid if you are eligible and you will be if you have not got income and you have children.

Huge hugs to you, you are going to be ok.

Please please don't underestimate how dangerous it can be after you have left. Do not go near him without someone there with you. That's the advice I have been given, that is both to ward off the manipulation and tears or the potential for further violence. Don't buy into any of it.

Loads of love x

XMissPlacedX · 04/08/2023 13:00

Well done op for showing your dd that physical violence is not acceptable. You'll be a new woman without that Twat. Stay strong