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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had DH arrested yesterday

280 replies

Neverimagined · 03/08/2023 23:41

I'm just in utter shock. I was too ill to get out of bed, he was demanding I get up and look after the children. I begged him to let me rest and he threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs. In front of my DD9 who was screaming at him to get off me.

I'm just in shock. I was starting to open my eyes and realise that some of his behaviour was controlling/coercive/gaslighting, but I never thought he'd be violent. Especially in front of the kids. He hasn't shown any remorse. Everything is always my fault because I'm crazy/unstable/hormonal according to him and he's been messaging my family trying to convince them as much.

I'm heartbroken. Running on adrenaline I think because I can't sleep or eat. I need to figure out the next steps in terms of the practicalities of divorce and the children but I can't think straight because I have 2 under 2 to look after. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so have no income of my own. I can't believe he's done this to us, to our family.

OP posts:
Igmum · 04/08/2023 04:55

So sorry you've been through this but well done for taking that first step. He is vile. Please press charges and yes to Women's Aid. Sending love Flowers

Bearsinmotion · 04/08/2023 05:27

Well done OP, you won’t see it now, but this is a whole new life for you and your family. Like others on this board I was you and life now is almost unimaginably better.

In my case ex DP wasn’t physically abusive but he did try to convince anyone and everyone I had various MH conditions. He crowed about spending ££££ on a fancy solicitor who would grant him full custody of the children because of them. In actuality his case was a joke - even his own barrister told him he needed to sign an agreement to stay away from the kids and I and not come to the house. He told the police, the school, social services and my parents (!) that I was mentally ill. No one believed him.

You are in a horrible place now, but this really is the start of a much better life for you and your children!

KTSl1964 · 04/08/2023 05:35

The police will keep it touch and let you know what’s happening. I didn’t go to court and spoke to the police before and requested a restraining order. I was phoned on the day he was in court and re confirmed I wanted this. He was given one and stayed well clear of me which gives you time to recover.
Finances maybe something to look at if you can. That is protecting your monies from him - he May starting dipping in to the joint account. He may not pay you anything - or he may - you just never know.
You maybe entitled to tax credits once your back to work -
Im sorry you went through this. - you will be running on adrenaline - hope you managed to get some sleep - you have your hands full with the children - hope you have some support with them. How disturbing for your daughter to witness and for you to experience - what a turd he is - 🌺🌺

CwmYoy · 04/08/2023 05:38

You're doing everything right, OP.

There will always be support for you here.

Stay strong.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/08/2023 06:00

They do tell lies about the MH thing. Silly hysterical women etc. In centuries gone by they'd have been believed as often as not... but that was then, this is now.

My ex said he'd found the medication I took for my "psychosis" and that he had been discussing me with the GP. This rattled me so much I actually raised it with the GP, who checked and said the medication (which I'd forgotten all about) had been prescribed some years earlier for vertigo, and that they would never have discussed me with my husband the way he was implying. In hindsight he probably said it just because the DC were listening...

Oh, and she also said a family member had recently realised her H had been gradually ramping up abuse for years - and this family member was a DV counsellor who advised other women how to recognise abuse! So don't feel stupid that you didn't see it coming. Even experts can be blind-sided.

sashh · 04/08/2023 06:08

Well done.

I know you are in shock but this is the start of the rest of your life.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 04/08/2023 06:38

Pemba · 04/08/2023 03:48

I am sure the OP is very concerned for her DD, poor little girl, must have been traumatic. The OP must already feel terrible at her child having witnessed the attack.

But the way you wrote your post implies that the OP is not a 'real victim'. What the hell?

We all understand what she means, don’t we? I do.

My heart broke as I was reading about the daughter pleading with him to get off her mum. A lot of time on here you read about DV and the men seem to do it when kids are in bed. There is something particularly vicious in him doing this in front of his daughter. I suspect this is what gave OP the strength to call the police.

You are amazing OP. It takes most people ages to finally decide to get the police involved. Very proud of you.

Fraaahnces · 04/08/2023 06:46

You poor thing… I’m sorry that it had to come to this for you - especially when you’re obviously so unwell. He is deliberately not acknowledging his violence in the hope that you will minimize and justify it, too. He doesn’t want to think of himself as the bad guy. You know you are doing the right thing for your kids. Please be gentle on yourself and try and have realistic expectations about his family members and friends. They’re going to see him as a victim because it is much easier than acknowledging the truth. Don’t tell them any of your plans or where you are if you move. In fact, don’t engage with them at all if you can avoid it. If they come to your place to try and talk you round, log it on your phone, don’t answer the door. Call the police if they try and intimidate you. You are not going to be able to trust them no matter what your relationship with them was.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/08/2023 06:57

DIAGNOSIS
simply being difficult due to the latest mental health condition he's diagnosed me with, PMDD.
THE CURE
threw a glass of water over me then dragged me out of bed and down the stairs.

Hmmm. If he thinks he can make the above make sense to anybody then he really is the insane one. I'm so sorry OP. I hope the tooth abscess, your back and your self confidence are continuing to heal. Gentle hugs Flowers

speakout · 04/08/2023 06:57

Well done OP.

a good man would be wracked with guilt, begging for forgiveness and promising to change

Just had to point out that abusers will also say this.

Often.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 04/08/2023 06:59

Try to imagine where you are in the future. Free of him and able to stand on your own two feet. You got this.

Auntieofdragons · 04/08/2023 07:13

OP it’s probably too early for this but try to have a glimmer of excitement that you are now free of this man who has gaslit you for so long and in such a way that you didn’t even realise he was in the wrong.

I had a DP who was constantly telling me what was wrong with me and how I was lucky he was still with me. When I finally had enough and dumped him he was so so devastated and said his behaviour was just his way of trying to keep me because he was insecure. Controlled and gaslit for years because he felt insecure- and absolutely no remorse for how he’d made me feel, just upset for himself.

junkyardcars · 04/08/2023 07:16

SunRainStorm · 04/08/2023 01:23

@Neverimagined

Good on you OP.

A small thing- your post says 'I had DH arrested'. I encourage you to reframe this in your mind to 'DH's criminal behaviour towards me led to his arrest.'

His choices brought you here. Not yours.

I wanted to say this too! He got himself arrested!

I had a friend who finally escaped a DV situation and one of the things the ex used to say was 'things would be fine if you didn't keep getting me arrested'. 🙄

Well done OP. No doubt there's some challenges ahead but you've taken a huge, courageous step.

missingeu · 04/08/2023 07:17

I would ignore anything that comes out of his mouth, if thats possible. None of it will be positive. I should imagine he is very angry and will probably never apologise as he probably thinks he's done nothing wrong! As crazy as that sounds.

Use the people around for support, if you can write down the times his behaviour was abusive etc. If he does have to visit, make a time for you and either ask for police present or a friend to be present. Never on your own.

Talk to your GP, there is support you and your DD.

It may not seem it right now, but your future is brighter.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/08/2023 07:19

You've done the right thing.

LightSpeeds · 04/08/2023 07:22

Thinking of you x

itsmyp4rty · 04/08/2023 07:27

He sounds like a complete narcissist. The lies, the gas lighting, the control, blaming you for everything, making up things that are wrong with you, you not being able to disagree with him, him seemingly lovely on the surface so everyone likes him - until you tell them what he's really like. Well done for calling the police and getting him out OP. I know you need to sort yourself out but make sure dd gets help and support too. Well done for teaching her that this is not acceptable behaviour! Tell her school what's happened when she starts back in September as well so they can support her.

Take all the help and support you can, lean on your family as much as you can. It's great to hear that divorce costs are covered when there's DV.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/08/2023 07:30

Well done for what you did - absolut7ely the best thing for you and your children.

Your STBXH sounds vile. He deserves everything that's coming to him.

diddl · 04/08/2023 07:36

Well done Op!

A friend pointed out that a good man would be wracked with guilt,

A good man wouldn't have done any of those things let alone all of them.

And in front of his young daughter who was screaming at him to stop?

Shows how little he thinks of her as well!

LilyPark · 04/08/2023 07:39

What an incredible, amazing woman you are to deal with to this vile excuse of a man when you were incredibly unwell, post attack and in shock. The courts will be very very used to dealing with this type of twisted individual and he can kiss away his chances of ever seeing his kids again if you don't want him to - evil bastard

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2023 07:44

Thank GOD you called the police. So many don't. He was testing your boudaries to see how far he could go and you have rammed him head first into a brick wall. We'll done.
His mental wife plea will fall flat in court. Judges are not fools. They have seen it all before.
I've been there OP DV and court and refuge and my life is very happy now.
I'm a career woman, own home, I never thought it could happen to me. It can happen to anyone.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2023 07:55

P.s my ex tried to make me look like a mad liar in court and take DS from me too. He was banned from seeing DS until he was 18. Nobody is fooled by a manike this. He thinks he is very clever. Nobody else will.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/08/2023 08:04

🌺

LookItsMeAgain · 04/08/2023 08:10

I'm so sorry that this is now what your life is but please please please take comfort and solas in knowing that you definitely did the right thing and that you did not have him arrested, his actions took care of that. You just did what was necessary at the time.

I would definitely get counselling for your DD as she must not grow up thinking that all men are like this. They are not. They are the exception.

Now what you must do is get a shit hot lawyer (hereon to be called SHL) to make sure that you get all the good things that you are entitled to during the divorce. He sounds like the type that would go for your jugular so you need to be smart and play him at his own game and get what you are due during the process.

Best of luck to you and your daughter. You have more inner strength than you realise and you can get through this. You will get through this.

Jak803 · 04/08/2023 08:11

OP, huge flowers to you for being so courageous and assertive. You and your DD have been through so much, I’m so sorry.

FWIW, you sound so amazingly self aware and tuned in to what’s really happening. And you’ve articulated it perfectly, which bodes really well for any family court battle you may have on your hands.

I have family who’ve been through the family court process with an emotionally abusive ex. A PP suggested going to the GP about the mental health issues he’s “diagnosing” you with, which might be a good shout. Just so you have a medical record that they’ve no basis at all. Once court proceedings start, there can be quite a few medical/ psychological evaluations, and the more formal evidence you have now to dispel any accusations, the better. I know it’s probably the last thing you feel like doing but it might be useful down the line.

Womens Aid will be a great resource for you as will your family and friends. Keep the fire raging bright, you got this! 🔥