Sorry for the delay in updating, I barely slept again last night and can't eat because of the abscess, so I've been running on fumes looking after my two little ones whilst trying to get my head around what practicalities to start with - and also get a minutes peace to actually do them.
I'd just like to thank you all so much for your support, advice and wisdom. I'm so so so glad I posted. I've read and taken on board every single post and they have lifted me up and made more difference than you all could ever know. Thank you.
@BertieBotts your post in particular was especially helpful and I'll keep coming back to it. I've tried a few times today to get through to Women's Aid but the queues are long, so thank you also to the poster who suggested going to my GP, I'm going to do that on Monday. I'll also speak to them about some counselling for my DD because I'm so worried about how this might have affected her.
I have plenty of friends and family who have all rallied round, so I have lots of support and I've told everyone who's been in touch with me over the last few days exactly what has happened. I'm not hiding it from anyone, as I know that it's not me who should be ashamed. Tonight is my first night without someone staying with me though, I'm 99.9% sure he's 100 miles away with his family so I'm not scared for our safety but I have started to feel a bit sad and lonely and missing the 'nice' him. I'm not letting myself wallow and grieve though until all of the practicalities are sorted and I know my babies are safe.
To whoever asked, DD isn't his, and to be honest part of the concerns I already had about him were around the way in which he treated her. He was always so critical of everything she did and so quick to punish her for the slightest thing, when actually she's an amazing kid and the most wonderful big sister to her baby brothers. I was starting to see how his treatment was affecting her, and after a couple of recent incidents I had already made up my mind to start getting my ducks in a row in case things didn't improve.
Her dad and I split when she was a toddler, he wasn't abusive, just your garden variety useless manchild. We've had our fair share of arguments over the years but we're amicable now and co-parent together relatively peacefully. His family are wonderful too and she's actually away with his mum this week, which is a godsend as she knows what's happened and is doing a brilliant job of keeping her happy and distracted. I'm hoping that by the time she comes home things will have settled down.
I've been on Mumsnet for years, so I know the script and I'm well prepared for the various tactics he's going to use. He's already messaged my brother to apologise and take back his (6 page) rant about how I'm so crazy I essentially drove him to it. I'm horrified that he attacked me, but in a way I'm also glad because the scales have well and truly fallen from my eyes and now I'm not trying to make sense of his behaviour from the perspective of 'this is my husband who loves me', I can truly see his behaviour for exactly what it is.
I desperately want to write down past incidents but I'm so busy with the boys, they really don't give me a minute. It's DS's 2nd birthday tomorrow and I'm so overwhelmed by it all that I'm on the verge of burning out, so I've decided to spend this evening watching crap TV and we're going to have a nice normal family day out tomorrow and just try not to think about it all for a day. On Monday I'm going to try and get some childcare in place for smallest DS (the bigger one already goes to nursery 3 days a week), just to give me a bit of breathing space and a chance to get the wheels in motion and take steps to organise things like an injunction and a child arrangement order.
As far as money is concerned, I've already changed all of my passwords (he had access to all of my bank accounts and email addresses) and transferred myself half of our joint money. Thankfully it's the beginning of the month so all the bills are paid, so all I need to worry about is food and things for the kids. Applying for universal credit and speaking to work about coming back early are on my to do list, but my first priority is making sure my babies are safe.
The one thing that's bothering me is that I can't find our passports. We went on holiday recently so there's a chance they've just been put away somewhere I haven't thought of, but I'm a little bit paranoid because DH isn't English and he has family abroad. The fact that all 5 are missing is reassuring me, because surely he would only have taken his and the boys' if he was planning to abscond with them? He was also arrested empty handed and hasn't been back to collect any belongings, but still. I need to find them.