Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

[SophieD1987]

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

Yep, you have no need to know if he’s supposed to keep it confidential. And OTT for being “hurt” by it.

Everything you need to know is in your own OP title...

If it's confidential he shouldn't tell you.

He shouldn't tell you anything confidential. He is absolutely right.

It has nothing to do with 'being open as a couple ' and YABVU to frame it as such. MYOB.

Of course he shouldn't tell you! I'm glad that your husband has more integrity than you appear to have.

I would not expect my husband to tell me under those circumstances.

However, its likely that you will be told by the gift recipient when they thank you and then you will be genuine in your hearing it for the first time which will show them that your husband is an honourable man.

You do want your husband to be seen/known as an honourable man don't you?

Or would you rather learn that people don't want to tell him anything because he will tell his wife and she's a right old tittle tattle?!

You are being ridiculous. He is being professional. I have worked on projects I have not been able to tell my wife about. She understands that’s my job

That's a great sign as it means he will keep your secrets too

He is right not to tell you, although I expect some couples share quite a bit

He's being very ethical and that bodes extremely well for your relationship!

YBVVU, do you understand the word confidential. Why are you being hurt by a person's integrity.?

So, basically, he can keep confidences. That's a good thing.

I feel like this has been posted before, word for word?

Anyway YABU

I tell DP very little about my clients. Would you be happy with your GP or counsellor telling their partner about your appointment? And their partner knew you?

Why do you want to know about the situation when you know it's confidential?

I sometimes tell my husband some confidential things from work, I'll tell him about new products or launch dates that I'm working on, that kind of thing. He knows they're confidential and wouldn't ever say anything to anyone, but if he slipped up ultimately it wouldn't be the end of anyone's world.

I'd never ever tell him something confidential that actually involved a person or people.

You just want some gossip. He's doing the right thing.

Your husband is doing the right thing by keeping it private, particularly as you know the people involved. Many people can't keep a secret, but that's not a good thing.

However I think it's understandable to be a bit irritated that he has told you there is a secret. It would have been better for him not to mention it at all and sort a gift himself. Knowing there is a 'secret' often leads to people imagining all sorts of scenarios that are often worse than reality

Good for him. Privacy and confidentiality are really important.

There've been long threads on here where people have seen their partners and themselves as one person, and blatantly told them things that they've been asked to keep confidential. I find that incredibly depressing. If something is confidential, is confidential, and your spouse or partner doesn't get a free pass.

How about if your doctor told her husband about you?
How about your hairdresser told his wife about you?

I like your husband.

Of course he can't tell you. There are data protection laws, people have rights, and one is that their personal business isn't shared with non-employees/trustees.

Good for him, DH and I work in connected organisations in more senior than he is so I know things he doesn't. He understands that, it's highly unprofessional to disclose confidential matters. It would constitute gross misconduct in some circumstances. It would be even worse that you know the people involved. It's not like he's talking in abstract about John and Jenny who you don't know and will never meet, even that wouldn't be great

I think its unhealthy to know everything. I bet a lot of men aren't telling their wife about things their friends disclose to them. People shouldn't know everything.

Gosh you are so wrong. Your husband absolutely shouldn't tell you anything.