Page 12 | Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

Bluebellsarebest · 04/08/2023 18:50

YABU. None of anyone else’s business. Imagine a really difficult, embarrassing situation where an individual has made serious mistakes, then imagine yourself as that individual. Would you want people talking about it in their homes with their families? I wouldn’t.

godmum56 · 04/08/2023 18:53

Yes you are wrong. Next.

Zezet · 04/08/2023 18:54

Yes, you are wrong.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 04/08/2023 18:56

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

Ridiculous to feel hurt. Admire your dh's integrity. Most couples have their own informal code of ethics regarding their workplaces.
Would you expect your doctor, bank manager, etc. to be talking to their spouses, partners about their patients, clients?
The fact you know the people concerned makes confidentiality vital.
YABVU

laylababe5 · 04/08/2023 19:14

YABU, and terribly nosey.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/08/2023 19:29

HeadNorth · 04/08/2023 08:13

Well, people do different things and the world keeps turning. How long have you been married for, before I take your advice?

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@HeadNorth

omg!

its not all about the marriage! In this instance, It’s about the persons career!

I would never breach confidentiality when it comes to my work, ever - and I can guarantee to you that that is no reflection on the quality of my marriage.

JDEE72 · 04/08/2023 19:35

Hi.

it seems like you’re unintentionally centering yourself in a situation that has nothing to do with you. I understand you might want to be supportive, but are you sure you’re not just being a bit nosy?
he has integrity. If it’s not his place to say anything, then that’s that. I doubt he’s signed an NDA, but still…
telling people you’re close to about something confidential, can often spread like wildfire, because some people you tell in good faith, aren’t as confidential as others.

It’s a matter of morals. Maybe it’s a situation that needs mediation, and time for things to settle down so things can be discussed calmly.

I have signed several NDA’s, this includes not even telling my husband about developments unless I have written permission to discuss it.

I know this is hard to hear, and I apologise for any bluntness, but it’s got nothing to do with you, even if you know them. I’m sure if something had happened to you, you wouldn’t want people talking about you, either.
I do understand, but please don’t take it, or this, personally.
🩷

kthnxbai · 04/08/2023 20:07

There's more to "confidentiality" than keeping secrets from you.
He's been trusted with some sensitive information and he's showing integrity when pressed. Good man.

It's not about you.

Ilovecleaning · 04/08/2023 20:08

You are absolutely in the wrong here. Confidentiality means just that. You have no right to know about confidential matters. A member of my extended family works sometimes with a women’s refuge. The women have escaped from physical and emotional abuse and are in danger.
NO ONE in the family knows where this refuge is. Not even her husband. We often collect things to send like baby clothes and nappies. Not one of us asks any details at all. You are being ridiculous thinking you should know.

NoDought · 04/08/2023 20:23

Basically you want a gossip and you’re masking it under spousal privilege that he should tell you. I as a nurse would never tell my husband about seeing someone we mutually knew. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

IHaventStoppedCravingYet · 04/08/2023 20:42

I work in a job where I am privy to sensitive and confidential information but I don’t share this with my DH. He respects this and doesn’t ask or expect to be told anything. He works for the same organisation so would potentially know the individuals / situations involved on occasion but it’s my job to maintain confidentiality. So don’t feel hurt OP, it’s just the nature of some roles and you really can’t pick and choose it when it applies!

Hawkins009 · 04/08/2023 20:43

"You can't trust your best friends, your five senses, only the little voice inside you most civilians don't even hear -- Iisten to that. Trust yourself."

Cia Agent, training at the farm.

PaintedEgg · 04/08/2023 20:53

CallieG · 04/08/2023 17:33

Other people being unkind is not anything to be secretive about. It’s not like it’s national security, what on earth would a tiny charity have to be so secretive about, the only thing they have would be financial records & even then, as a charity All financial Records are a matter of public record, there are no Secrets where charities are involved.
buying a couple a gift because the wife is feeling down? Does he buy You gifts if you’ve had a bad day? Sounds a bit sus to me.

he may well have worded it this way to keep details out

you dont get to decide what others deem private

Missingpop · 04/08/2023 21:22

Confidential means not gossiping about it; would you expect him to tell you everything he did on shift if he was a copper 🤷‍♀️ of course not working for a charity in a role where he’s privy to details & information about people means he’s almost certainly signed a confidentiality agreement; if he came home to you & discussed everything he would lose his post & all credibility & could possibly face legal action depending on what he’s discussed.
so take what he’s told you & leave it at that ; the most I’d ask is do you want me to pick up a bottle of wine & chocolates or a bouquet of flowers.

Mamanyt · 05/08/2023 00:05

PIease teII me that you are not actuaIIy compIaining that your husband is an honorabIe man! "ConfidentiaI" means just that.

There are some jobs that do not require that IeveI of confidentiaIity, and some that do. His does. Breaking that couId cost him his job, AND his reputation in the business, as weII as any other business requiring a degree of confidentiaIity.

LouHey · 05/08/2023 06:42

My husband would go to jail if he shared specifics about his work with me. It's never bothered me, it's a bit like dating James Bond lol.

Hart92 · 05/08/2023 07:27

My brother in law is a detective and can not tell my sister about anything. He upholds his integrity with this 100% so much so, that they don't talk about work at all, other than 'How was your day?'

There are certain things that would be interesting to know about your spouse's life but aren't appropriate to know. I often give my husband abridged versions of its a sensitive topic (I'm a senior leader in a school.)

It's normal to be a bit nosey, but I don't think you should be mad about him not telling you. Be proud of him for his integrity.

Allthingsdreamy · 05/08/2023 08:54

If he has to keep things confidential then surely he wouldn't of mentioned about her being upset? He should of just kept quiet about the full thing.. I wouldn't be happy either to be honest. I certainly wouldn't be going and buying her a gift.

VeneziaJ · 05/08/2023 08:56

I cannot believe what I have read! You expect your husband to divulge confidential information that IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! You are being completely unreasonable!

Pollydarling · 05/08/2023 09:16

I teach at the school that two of my own children attend. Regularly I'm made aware of extremely confidential issues regarding families that my husband knows too. I would never tell him.

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

midlifemaid · 05/08/2023 10:24

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

I'm sorry but you're wrong. If people who are bound by confidentiality share confidential information, that information is then in the possession of people who are not bound by the same rules, not qualified or elected for those responsible roles. Therefore the information is out and is not safe, and that's not right. There are many reasons why these rules are in place, important ones, more relevant then a stupid idea that couples should share everything 😡

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/08/2023 10:27

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

So, what you're actually saying is that you can't understand confidentiality or you don't think it's important?

midlifemaid · 05/08/2023 10:29

I'm sorry but you're wrong. If people who are bound by confidentiality share confidential information, that information is then in the possession of people who are not bound by the same rules, not qualified or elected for those responsible roles. Therefore the information is out and is not safe, and that's not right. There are many reasons why these rules are in place, important ones, more relevant then a stupid idea that couples should share everything 😡

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/08/2023 10:38

As an employer, a good understanding of confidentiality is key, and we try to assess people's understanding of this at interview.

For those who are saying that it's OK to talk about confidential stuff with your partner/spouse because they don't really count, would you be honest with a potential employer about the fact that you would share stuff freely with your partner/spouse?

I think you probably know that, if you did admit that, there is no way that you would be given a job where confidentiality was an important factor.

So I am assuming that you would lie about it and pretend that you wouldn't share? So actually, you know full well that you're doing something wrong by breaching confidentiality but you just don't care?

Shame on you!