Page 13 | Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

SophieD1987 · 2023-08-03T18:35:23+00:00

Hi everyone, How open are you with each other as a couple? Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue. We both know all the members of this organisation. My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down. However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was. I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them. Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

Santina · 05/08/2023 10:39

That's why he's in that position and you're not, have you tried looking up the meaning of confidentiality? I do hope you're not in a job where you need to adhere to this, sounds like you can't be trusted.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/08/2023 10:41

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

@Baublebonkers

no, I wouldn’t feel like the Op because I understand and respect confidentiality

LouHey · 05/08/2023 10:50

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

You clearly don't understand confidentiality.. My husband had to sign the Official Secrets Act for his job - the penalty for sharing information is up to 14 years in prison, an unlimited fine or both. But still, even if the penalty was potentially losing his job, it would be enough of a deterrent for most people.

Missey85 · 05/08/2023 11:19

So your mad that your husband won't gossip about his colleagues? Good for him it's none of your business

Josell12345 · 05/08/2023 11:20

I agree with all the replies saying he shouldnt tell you but if he knows theres an issue warranting a gift he should get it not you as a couple.

Zoomattheinn · 05/08/2023 12:11

He is right to maintain confidentiality but I am concerned about the gift buying. He is a Trustee and as such has governance obligations and should remain impartial. The trustees may be called upon to adjudicate or report on this situation if it escalates. Buying one member of the team a gift when another member of the team has upset her/ him could cause him problems down the line. He should have told you nothing whatsoever to maintain confidentiality of all concerned and he certainly should not be buying gifts if he wants to maintain his impartiality.

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 15:18

Would you also expect a doctor to tell their partner about their patients?
of course there are certain things people shouldn’t discuss with their partners.
However he probably shouldn’t have mentioned it to you at all.

MrsMomoa2 · 05/08/2023 16:10

Some people are being a bit harsh.. but in principle they are right.
Some things need to be kept confidential. I work for the NHS and can’t talk about my patients etc
Same with many professions.

GreyCarpet · 05/08/2023 17:08

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/08/2023 10:38

As an employer, a good understanding of confidentiality is key, and we try to assess people's understanding of this at interview.

For those who are saying that it's OK to talk about confidential stuff with your partner/spouse because they don't really count, would you be honest with a potential employer about the fact that you would share stuff freely with your partner/spouse?

I think you probably know that, if you did admit that, there is no way that you would be given a job where confidentiality was an important factor.

So I am assuming that you would lie about it and pretend that you wouldn't share? So actually, you know full well that you're doing something wrong by breaching confidentiality but you just don't care?

Shame on you!

I suspect the few people who have replied along the lines of "omg, I'd just have to share this with my hub. I'm sure everyone else would too!" aren't actually at any risk of ever having a job or role in life which would require them to safeguard information in the first place.

I think we're safe 😉

Echio · 05/08/2023 17:39

@Baublebonkers don't worry I got a pile on when I deigned to say there's a bit of context to whether something's okay to share or not at your home.

ChristmasCrumpet · 05/08/2023 17:47

On the one hand, I wouldn't expect to be told anything, due to the confidentiality.

But then I'd find it odd to be sending someone a gift in my name, specifically for a situation that had occurred that I have no knowledge of.

The gift should just come from DH. By putting you on there as well, I think it suggests you know what's going on.

Josell12345 · 05/08/2023 18:37

Just as an aside. Where do all the initials come from that you all use. DH and DD etc. I spend an age teying to work them out 🤦‍♀️

BIWI · 05/08/2023 19:34

@Josell12345

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Acronyms List | Mumsnet

What exactly does AIBU mean? Read the full list of acronyms and abbreviations you will find on our forums, including both Mumsnet specific and general terms.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

laylababe5 · 05/08/2023 21:45

BIWI · 05/08/2023 19:34

@Josell12345

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

I've read this and it helps, but I've seen CF used a lot and it definitely doesn't mean cystic fibrosis in the context! I'm thinking c**t face maybe?

saraclara · 05/08/2023 21:58

laylababe5 · 05/08/2023 21:45

I've read this and it helps, but I've seen CF used a lot and it definitely doesn't mean cystic fibrosis in the context! I'm thinking c**t face maybe?

Show quote history

Cheeky fucker

laylababe5 · 05/08/2023 22:23

saraclara · 05/08/2023 21:58

Cheeky fucker

Show quote history

Thank you!

JDEE72 · 05/08/2023 22:28

Think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen someone say “thank you” in response to CF before 😂😂😂

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 05/08/2023 22:39

Sorry, your husband is in the right.

DH and I both work in jobs with very highly confidential info and we don’t tell each other. The most we’ll say is “we had some awful news about someone today which has really upset me”.

WisherWood · 05/08/2023 22:52

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

You clearly don't understand confidentiality. It doesn't mean 'tell no-one except your spouse, because you trust them'. Confidential information can only be shared within certain rigid confines - generally it's about who needs to know it. My DP doesn't need to know anything I learn through work. If you're in records management, large amounts of confidential information passes through your hands. You don't just decide you can tell your spouse because you trust your spouse not to discuss it. Your spouse doesn't need to know and therefore should not be told.

It's not about you trusting your spouse. It's about the confidentiality towards the person whose information it is. If I'm going through patient records, those patients aren't going to be mollified by the fact that I trust my DP. They won't want my DP to know at all, because he doesn't need to.

There are many things I know that my DP doesn't and vice versa. This doesn't bother either of us, because we trust each other. Frankly if my DP is told something in confidence, I don't want to know it and would rather he didn't tell me.

FrangipaniBlue · 06/08/2023 07:38

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 03/08/2023 23:31

putting my hard hat on…..but I disagree with the majority and that you should know nothing when asking to buy a gift and just go with it. For me without going into detail “the head of the charity has had shit going on with family so I think we should send them flowers” would be enough for my to feel happy to send the gift and not dig or give away any detail but I would expect a high level overview before sending joint support x

But...... this is exactly what he's done

Frances0911 · 06/08/2023 15:12

I told my best friend that I was pregnant but that I wanted to keep it quiet for a while.
She told her partner who 'let it slip in the pub.' When I asked her why she had told him when I'd asked her to keep it quiet, she said because he's her partner and she tells him everything. Our friendship soured after that, and now we've lost contact and I have no desire to ever see her again.

UsingChangeofName · 06/08/2023 20:43

Baublebonkers · 05/08/2023 10:19

OMG I don’t believe these replies, I can understand confidentiality, but not telling your own partner, wife, that I don’t understand. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

And I bet if it happened to these posters, I’m sure they would feel the way you do.

Er, no. DH and I both have situations in each of our volunteering roles where we are party to confidential information on a fairly regular basis. Neither of us would dream of sharing with the other one, and I would lose any respect for my dh if he ever thought it were okay to tell me stuff that was confidential. It just wouldn't occur to me to break the confidentiality of the situation we were dealing with or the people involved. DH would be equally shocked if I started telling him about something I was dealing with that involved people who would expect confidentiality from me.

What an odd way to think.

PeachyPeachTrees · 08/08/2023 20:02

You're just being nosey and framing DH as being secretive in your relationship. It actually shows integrity and doing right by that person. It also means he will not blurt out things about you down the pub to his mates. He sounds like a good man.

Breadbin2 · 08/08/2023 21:20

Depends really. Is he breaking the law by telling you? In some jobs this would be the case. If it’s not then it sounds like he just doesn’t trust you not to gossip to mutual charity contacts.

Being honest with yourself, is this something you would do?

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 07:48

Breadbin2 · 08/08/2023 21:20

Depends really. Is he breaking the law by telling you? In some jobs this would be the case. If it’s not then it sounds like he just doesn’t trust you not to gossip to mutual charity contacts.

Being honest with yourself, is this something you would do?

The charity trusts him to maintain confidentiality. They dont trust him to have good judgement in who he breaks that confidentiality with!

It doesn't matter whether she'd gossip about it to mutual charity contacts or anyone else or no one, the trust in confidentiality is placed in him and he is respecting it.

If he tells her, he is not deserving of that trust.