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Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:

PissOffJeffrey · 03/08/2023 20:58

I live in a village and work at the nearest GP surgery. Do you think I should tell DH everything I hear or read at work?

No, of course not. Doesn't mean I don't trust him. It just isn't my information to share.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/08/2023 20:59

Given that you're on a public forum complaining that you don't know everything but giving the detail you do know, I would say he's made a good call.

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 20:59

I think your DH is doing 100% the right thing in not sharing confidential information with you.

That said, I think it is really weird that he felt comfortable to share with you that you both need to buy his colleague and her husband a gift as they feel down, but then all of a suddens gets strict about the rules when you ask why.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for being a bit put out by these double standards, but you are being unreasonable if you expect him to tell you stuff you shouldn't know.

My DH and I both work in super-sensitive areas (me in international policy, him in adoption support). We never share anything confidential that happens at work. We also don't come home and say "Wow, you would never guess what happened today that I can't tell you about".

JudgeJ · 03/08/2023 20:59

ParisP · 03/08/2023 19:41

He is right not to tell you, although I expect some couples share quite a bit

If it's to do with confidentiallity relating to one's job then it should not be told to an outsider, even a nosey spouse, anyone doing so would possibly lose their job and then the spouse would still be moaning. Grow up OP!

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 21:00

According to MN every purchase over £10 must be discussed, so he's probably trying not to be misunderstood when OP finds out he's bought her something of his own accord.

It's probably not just a small thing either, but as OP feels entitled to knowing what it is, he probably played it down hoping she'd lose interest.

Surely we've all bought a friend a gift/ bouquet of flowers... when something shitty happens? Never for any sinister reason.

Emmamoo89 · 03/08/2023 21:00

You're being ridiculous

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:00

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 20:57

Your husband wants to buy a present for his woman boss because she feels down and hurt after other employees at the charity were ‘unkind/caused a scene’ but he won’t tell you what was said.

Uh, no.

EXACTLY

LadyBird1973 · 03/08/2023 21:01

Yes, this does sound a bit dodgy. He can't claim he's so professional that he won't disclose what the problem is, but then cross professional boundaries by wanting to buy his female boss a present because someone has 'been mean' to her! I'd be demanding answers frankly. Certainly wouldn't be doing his bloody shopping for him - what are you, staff?

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 21:01

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 20:54

I can't believe that people are missing the crucial part!
He can't tell you, but 'we' (as in both of you) should get THEM (her and her husband) a gift? Despite' her' being down?

Am I the only one finding this fishy?

He shouldn't mentioned it and buying people gifts to comfort them due to others' unkindness is strange. Who does that? Hmmm?

Logic and perceptive intelligence are not oftentimes kindly received here.

This is exactly what I thought too. Posters obtusely omitting the gift part and all the other nuances, either pretending to be dense or doing it on purpose, in which case 😱

Boodahh · 03/08/2023 21:02

DH and I tell each other most things. I know stuff about his longterm workmates, for example, but I'd never pass it on.

That said I would absolutely keep a friends confidence, and not tell dh about it.

I think your husband shouldn't have told you that there was an issue at all - because in telling you that something happened you're bound to want to know details.

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 21:02

@SophieD1987 it would bother me as well because I would feel like he doesn't trust me.

It's great he has integrity of course, but I would genuinely see it as if he thought he wasn't able to share things with me in case I spread it about. If he's allowed to know when it doesn't involve him then why aren't you allowed to know but still have to buy a present.

He could have kept quiet and bought his own present.

SweetBirdsong · 03/08/2023 21:02

Of course YABU @SophieD1987 How can you possibly think otherwise?

My DH gets a bit weird like this.. not nasty or funny with me, but like all hurt and confused when he realises I kept something from him that SOMEONE ELSE told me. I have tried to explain time and again that it's not MY secret to tell, and I am NOT keeping anything from him Even DD has told me things (personal stuff, and like womens problems,) and I do not repeat it to DH. Some things he does not need to know.

Yet he gets all like 'hurt' with this look >>> 😟when he finds out I knew something (about someone or something,) and kept it from him. So odd. I would like to say I am pretty sure he keeps stuff from me - other peoples secrets - but he can't tell me fast enough when he finds something out about someone. As has been said, it's not a secret when you tell someone else's secret or private information to someone else... It's gossip.

JudgeJ · 03/08/2023 21:03

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 20:29

I’m surprised by a lot of the responses. DH & I share everything, including confidential work stuff. We absolutely and utterly trust each other. We’d never share with anyone else, but no secrets between us. We’ve been together over 30 years.

Then you both deserve to be fired! Is your knowledge of English so poor that you don't understand the word 'confidential'?

TheFireflies · 03/08/2023 21:04

It’s not a secret. It’s a professional responsibility for confidentiality.
I am privy to many very personal things about people’s lives in my job. I wouldn’t ever consider telling my husband the details beyond “tough day!”
You don’t seem to understand the concept of confidentiality.

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:05

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 21:00

According to MN every purchase over £10 must be discussed, so he's probably trying not to be misunderstood when OP finds out he's bought her something of his own accord.

It's probably not just a small thing either, but as OP feels entitled to knowing what it is, he probably played it down hoping she'd lose interest.

Surely we've all bought a friend a gift/ bouquet of flowers... when something shitty happens? Never for any sinister reason.

Big things like a job loss, diagnosis or death of a loved one.
Not just 'people being mean'. LOL. That would mean flowers every other day especially if you're an executive. it's literally your job to deal with BS

Womencanlift · 03/08/2023 21:12

Of course you shouldn’t know if it’s confidential. And even more so if you know the people involved. Sounds like you just want to be involved in the drama

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/08/2023 21:14

If I was in the OP's situation I wouldn't have anything to do with a gift, either contributing or buying it, without knowing the reason for it.

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:14

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 21:01

Logic and perceptive intelligence are not oftentimes kindly received here.

This is exactly what I thought too. Posters obtusely omitting the gift part and all the other nuances, either pretending to be dense or doing it on purpose, in which case 😱

Show quote history

Yes, pages and pages of posters going about on their own 'important, confidential Big Jobs'. Lawyer, accountant, safeguarding blah2! Some have even congratulated him on his integrity!

All failing to realise that
a) The DH should have kept his mouth shut and not mentioned anything at all. So it's him that involved the OP
b) Buying gifts for things like this, in a professional relationship is certainly not what I'd call professional.

Birthdays, weddings, loss of a loved one etc of course offices might have collections but that's different from personally buying someone a gift for a 'bad 'day'.

Very strange... and completely missed by all the super honest, iron integrity people.

I shouldn't be so wound up but the first 3 pages just annoyed me so much! 😅

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:15

Also I think what annoys me is people being unnecessarily snarky. Saying OP loves drama, 'doesn't know the meaning of confidentiality' etc etc when they've missed the mark so widely.

Echio · 03/08/2023 21:17

I think the issue here is that the DH shouldn't be involving the OP in the first place. Why on earth do a gift from both of them if OP is excluded from the situation? DH has messed this one up, not OP.

OP is just curious. It's not unusual for confidential situations to be discussed at home, and my interests would be piqued in her shoes! It sounds like this is one that shouldn't be talked about, so the DH was the one in the wrong for raising it and involving OP with the gift.

AgnesX · 03/08/2023 21:17

If he's not going to tell you anything he shouldn't allude to these things and as for "we should get her" etc etc he can go on his merry way on his own.

You might have guessed I think he's being a plonker.

seathewayahead · 03/08/2023 21:18

It’s the deliberately involving you at the random gift stage that is weird. I also think if it’s confidential then don’t mention it at all / just vaguely allude to it being a tough day.

Also “we” should give “them” a gift but it is only OP husband and the wife of the couple involved in the charity just seems to be a bit blurring of ethics. That’s the weird part to me, not that someone wants to keep confidential info ascertained from carrying out their role.

itsmyp4rty · 03/08/2023 21:18

Why would he think to buy them a gift? Does he buy you a gift every time you're upset? I'd guess not and you're his wife. It seems a very odd thing to me. In fact none of this would even have been an issue if he hadn't decided he needed to buy a gift - as then you wouldn't have known that there was any upset.

How the fuck is buying a gift going to help or resolve the issue? I'd be concerned that really he wants to buy her a gift and has included her husband so you're not suspicious. I'd be thinking that him keeping secrets about her from you is actually what's upsetting you - and I'd be keeping an eye on it.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 21:21

I totally agree with you @TwoPots13Pans. They’re all puffed up but have no sense to discern the difference between integrity and a husband who wants his wife to buy a present for his female boss but won’t tell his wife why beyond ‘she’s feeling hurt and down after people were mean to her but I won’t tell you why and boo hoo, I need to go dry her tears, excuse me and don’t you dare be nosy, I’m full of noble integrity.’ Foolish 😂 Missing the mark, well put.

littlebopeepp234 · 03/08/2023 21:22