Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
Indigotree · 03/08/2023 19:53

I get that it can feel like a disconnect or distance if there are things your husband doesn't tell you, as it's a part if his life you can't share, but you could try to reframe it as a sign of how trustworthy he is. It suggests he'll always respect your secrets and your privacy, too.

I'd suggest he buys the gift without your participation as it might come across as if you know the confidential situation if your name's on the gift too. Or at least make it clear you don't know what it's about.

Crabwoman · 03/08/2023 19:53

There is a fundamental difference between secrets and confidentiality. If something is confidential at work, then it's clearly got implications and should not be discussed with anyone, least of all partners.

Putting the shoe of the other foot, if I found out my boss went home and discussed any work problems I may be having with his wife (who I also know), I'd absolutely lose my shit.

Your husband seems a principled man and understands the implications of breaching confidentiality. I respect that.

Crabbity · 03/08/2023 19:56

I work in a job where confidentiality is extremely important. My husband gets vague outline details with absolutely nothing identifiable if I need to get something off my chest. I’ve quite frequently been involved in situations involving people we know personally or have a very close connection to. My husband has no idea about any of them. Your husband has already crossed that line by telling you who the situation involves. It would be far more of a red flag if he DID tell you about a confidential situation in any great detail.

Keep your nose out.

Approaching · 03/08/2023 19:56

Of course he shouldn’t tell you, especially as you know all the people involved. It would be entirely unethical for him to do so. This isn’t him keeping secrets from you, it isn’t his to tell.

Ponderingwindow · 03/08/2023 19:56

My husband doesn’t even know about all my projects at sometimes my manager doesn’t even get to know what I’m actually working on.

If you have a job that requires any kind of confidentiality or secrecy, there is no spouse exemption.

Libraryloiterer · 03/08/2023 19:59

I once worked on a high profile court case that was reported globally, and didn't utter a word to anyone including my partner until it was all over. And even then it was only to say I worked on it and we chatted about some aspects that were already in the public domain. He was proud of my discretion and integrity (and now knows for certain I'm no blabbermouth!)

drpet49 · 03/08/2023 20:01

ApolloandDaphne · 03/08/2023 19:38

He shouldn't tell you anything confidential. He is absolutely right.

This. You sound like a gossip OP.

DoesItHaveKosovo · 03/08/2023 20:01

To me, “keeping secrets” is about not being honest about something that DH would be involved in or affected by. There are stacks of things that I don’t tell him, for no reason other than it doesn’t occur to me to tell him. I’ve never understood why this is thought of by some as being dishonest.

Fifthtimelucky · 03/08/2023 20:02

I agree that he was right not to tell you the details. That's particularly important given that you know all the people involved.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 03/08/2023 20:02

If you don’t understand what confidential mean then thank goodness he does!
All you want is something to gossip about so too true he shouldn’t tell you anything!

Tinkerbyebye · 03/08/2023 20:03

what you have is fear of missing out, mainly I presume because you know people there and your husband now knows something you don't.

However of course it’s confidential, it’s got diddly squat to do with you and is private to the charity and the staff there, in exactly the same why it would be in any business

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 20:04

He's right. However, he should get them a gift. Why is it your job?

Kazzyhoward · 03/08/2023 20:04

He's absolutely 100% correct. I'm an accountant and have friends & neighbours as clients. I'd never divulge a single piece of confidential information to my OH, and he'd never think to ask.

At one point in a previous job, I worked for a firm of accountants who handled OH's employers' accounts, payroll and tax returns. I knew how much all his colleagues were earning compared with him, I knew how much the owners were making in profit, etc. I kept my mouth firmly shut and he knew not to ask and that there'd be no discussions, not even about a proposed business sale that could have made him redundant (though that was a hard one and I had to keep contingency/disaster planning to myself for preparing for loss of his wage, which ultimately didn't actually happen).

Confidentiality is an important part of the job in many jobs/professions, and rightly so, can be a disciplinary matter for your employer and/or your professional body.

Singleandproud · 03/08/2023 20:04

I only share things if theres no chance of them meeting each other. The fact you know the people involved would mean I wouldn't tell you. If you are close enough they'll tell you in their own time.

It's a good sign he can keep their confidence.

Mylovelygreendress · 03/08/2023 20:05

You should be pleased that he knows how to keep a confidence .

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 03/08/2023 20:05

Some couples share almost everything but no couple shares everything.

Your DH can choose to share whatever he wants and this instance I think he’s absolutely done the right thing.

I learnt the hard way that some people think that keeping things confidential doesn’t include their spouse.

I ended up getting pregnant and having a termination and was absolutely in bits because of the reason of the termination. I confided in my best friend and she promised to not tell anyone because of the repercussions it could cause me if it ever got out.

A few days later I walked in on them gossiping about me and I called her out on it and she said she can’t be expected not to tell her husband everything.

Whats even more ironic is instead of apologising for upsetting me she texted me and asked not to tell her DH about the termination she had.
I of course didn’t because I don’t believe in telling someone’s secrets.

We are all entitled to have secrets.
Not because we shouldn’t share with our partners but because it’s ok to have things that are just yours, including feelings or experiences.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 03/08/2023 20:05

I think perhaps he shouldn't have said anything at all. If he wanted to get them a gift then do it off his own bat instead of bringing the OP into it?

Kernsworld · 03/08/2023 20:07

Oh just be quiet OP. You sound really annoying if this is how you behave. Of course he won’t discuss anything confidential, especially as you know the people involved.

mangopassionfruitlatte · 03/08/2023 20:08

You're being very silly over this.

C1N1C · 03/08/2023 20:09

Entitled

SweetPotatoAndPeanutStew · 03/08/2023 20:09

The fact that you know all parties makes it EVEN MORE important to keep the confidentiality. Good on your DH.

openthecurtainsagain · 03/08/2023 20:10

I work in an area which has a lot of 'secrets' and if it were me after a long day, I'd definitely want to talk about it with my other half so I could process/get it out of my system. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Maybe your DH just doesn't need to process things in the same way?

If he's working for a small charity and not MI5, personally I'd find it a bit nuts if he wouldn't tell me what it was all about.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 03/08/2023 20:10

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 03/08/2023 20:05

I think perhaps he shouldn't have said anything at all. If he wanted to get them a gift then do it off his own bat instead of bringing the OP into it?

Oh yes I can just imagine the thread about how the OPs DH has bought flowers for another women without saying anything to her 😁

pimplebum · 03/08/2023 20:12

He should respect his policies and work practices

However getting you to agree to buy a woman a present when you don't know situation is a bit odd
Why a cheer up present ? Why not flowers and card,
why involve you ?
Why can't he just get her a nice cupcake as a cheer up gift? is he having an affair and this is sneaky way he can buy her a birthday gift ???

HappyBinosaur · 03/08/2023 20:13

I’ve been a teacher, a chaplain and now a vicar. DH would never expect to to be told confidential information, even if it’s about someone we both know.
Sometimes I come home and tell
him I’ve had a hard day and occasionally burst into tears as soon as I walk in the house but he never asks for
information. I sometimes tell him a vague outline such as ‘difficult hospital visit’ or particularly sad funeral’ etc.
Your dh has done the right thing but perhaps it might have been better for him to say nothing at all and he probably won’t in future if he thinks you’ll pry or be offended.