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Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/08/2023 20:40

OH has no connection to any of the people I work with (parents,staff or children) ,has the attention span of a newt and is terrible with names. I could tell him anything and there's no chance he would remember, much less him linking a story with a person. Even so , IF I need to vent/ rant (as you do) I never name names or go i to specifics because it's supposed to be confidential and that matters to me.

InSpainTheRain · 03/08/2023 20:40

We are very open with each other but I wouldn't expect DH to tell me stuff like that. We actually used to work in defence and if we've had secret projects we've never discussed them with each other.

timeafterdime · 03/08/2023 20:41

I'm a children's psychotherapist.

I can't and never would tell DH about what goes on in my sessions.

Some days I've dealt with back to back safeguarding sessions - suicidal teens, abuse at home, social services or other agencies seeming to minimise what's gone on.

It's hard.

I'll just tell DH I had a hard day at work with back to back safeguarding issues. That's that. He doesn't need (or want) to know any more.

AnnaKorine · 03/08/2023 20:41

I’m surprised by a lot of the responses. DH & I share everything, including confidential work stuff. We absolutely and utterly trust each other. We’d never share with anyone else, but no secrets between us. We’ve been together over 30 years.

This totally misses the point, it’s not about whether you trust each other it’s about whether you should be privy to other people’s confidential information that the other one has access to. By all means share everything brain fart, deepest desire and embarrassing happening related to each of you, that does indeed sound like a good relationship. Keep the confidences of others. I tell DH everything about myself but wouldn’t dream of sharing someone else’s information, that’s completely lacking in integrity IMO.

saraclara · 03/08/2023 20:42

DH & I share everything, including confidential work stuff.

Good grief @HeadNorth . This kind of attitude boggles my mind. You should be ashanged of yourself.

I trusted my husband implicitly too. But other people's confidences were still not my stories to tell. They confided in me, not him.

HappyBinosaur · 03/08/2023 20:42

@HeadNorth

DH & I share everything, including confidential work stuff. We absolutely and utterly trust each other. We’d never share with anyone else, but no secrets between us. We’ve been together over 30 years.

why though? And what do you mean by ‘everything’? If one of you was a doctor or therapist would you share every appointment of the day? Or just the interesting ones? I don’t understand what purpose there would be in divulging other people’s personal details to your spouse.

QuaversAndRedbull · 03/08/2023 20:43

I wouldn't tell my husband anything that supposed to confidential from work/friends and he wouldn't expect me too. I don't want to his colleagues or friends private info either. The fact you know the people is even more reason why he shouldn't tell you.

It's nothing to do with keeping secrets or not being open and everything to with being a trustworthy person.

mrsm43s · 03/08/2023 20:43

So nosy.

Mind your own business.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 20:44

Normally I would agree with the other posters. If someone entrusts me with a secret and asks me not to tell anyone, I do not tell anyone, including my husband. I would expect my husband to do the same. I will never forget pouring my heart out to my sil one time and later calling her for her to answer the phone in the middle of telling her husband (my brother) what I’d said. I was mortified and felt betrayed. I didn’t mind so much because it was my brother but still. I haven’t confided in her since.

However, in this particular situation, it’s not the same type of thing and I think he should have told you. Why does he want to buy her a present? Because she’s feeling down after someone was unkind to her? He needs to buy her a present for that? Why?

I don’t think he’d be betraying her by telling you who was unkind to her and what was said. How can you buy a present for her when you don’t know what was said, if it really was unkind or not, how can you make a judgement if you don’t know what happened. What if someone had gathered up the courage to say the truth to an unscrupulous boss? Then the boss twisted that as being unkind and now she’s hurt and feeling down and would appreciate a nice present from your husband. Uh, no. We simply don’t know if she’s been mistreated and is a saint or if she’s a sly manipulator.

Something is off. It sounds like he is putting her above you in his allegiance and disguising it as a ‘confidential matter’ and you need to buy her a present. No, don’t buy her a present. I’d tell him to tell me what happened. He certainly trusts you as you are his wife so it’s something else. I’d be finding out what that something is.

Rachie1973 · 03/08/2023 20:44

I could face a disciplinary procedure at work if I discussed clients at home!

GDPR is a thing!

BadNomad · 03/08/2023 20:45

If you didn't know the people he probably could have told you and still kept it confidential, but because you know them it's a no no. I'm not sure he should be getting involved by buying gifts for the "victim". It definitely shouldn't be coming from you because you aren't even supposed to know there is an issue.

LKM23 · 03/08/2023 20:45

Fair enough I suppose he wants to keep confidentiality but he shouldn't have said anything to you in that case and you get shouldn't be asking you to send a gift for a situation you know nothing about. She'll just assume when she gets it that he's told you anyway 🤷‍♀️ I'd still tell my DH a secret though!

GameOverBoys · 03/08/2023 20:48

I tell my DP pretty much everything. I do keep my friends confidence if it is about past trauma, because I don’t think that’s something that should be casually talked about. My DP is the same. I would find it irritating if he was hinting at something but refusing to say.

cherry2727 · 03/08/2023 20:48

I think posters are missing the point -
If he's full with soo much integrity why did he even mention this to his wife ? Why didn't he just keep quiet and sort the gift out himself ?
I feel like he half heartedly mentioned it as he wanted op's help with sorting the gift ! Any decent person would have not mentioned it at all!

I've been in this situation before and never gave a hint to my dh about our mutual friend even decades later ! That is true integrity. It's human nature to be curious once you're fed with some information and to save yourself the hassle you just won't mention it all!

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/08/2023 20:52

I tell my DH most things. Sometimes I might keep it vague if it’s personal or identifiable. We both have a strong allegiance to one another and understand when we are sharing something that can go no further. However, on the rare occasion I know I can’t share something with him, I wouldn’t dangle it over him. That’s not integrity, that’s just taunting someone, it’s playground nonsense “I know something you don’t know”. I’d tell him to keep it all to himself and not include me at all. I wouldn’t be involved in buying a present that’s for sure…

LadyBird1973 · 03/08/2023 20:52

Not rtwt yet but I'd say that if it's so confidential he shouldn't have brought it up in the first place. And if he's expecting you to do the donkey work of buying this gift he thinks ought to be bought, he should tell you why it's necessary or do his own shopping! You aren't his subordinate for him to delegate work to!

AutumnalPumpkin · 03/08/2023 20:53

I think it depends person to person and their morals.
My partner is not meant to tell me certain things about his job and if he is to see somebody known there.. but he does, and I don't tell a soul.
I don't think I'd be hurt by it necessarily but I am nosey, and would want to know regardless. Not to gossip.. just for my own personal reasons

Mumuser124 · 03/08/2023 20:54

my husband and I talk about confidential things, but both of us k is it won’t go any further so it’s not an issue.

I would feel like he didn’t trust me if he didn’t talk about his job with me, it’s such a huge part of his life, same applies with my job.

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 20:54

I can't believe that people are missing the crucial part!
He can't tell you, but 'we' (as in both of you) should get THEM (her and her husband) a gift? Despite' her' being down?

Am I the only one finding this fishy?

He shouldn't mentioned it and buying people gifts to comfort them due to others' unkindness is strange. Who does that? Hmmm?

Brightandshining · 03/08/2023 20:56

Id find that. Odd I can see what you mean. My husband and I tell each other everything. And we both work in situations where there's confidentiality.. similar to your husbands job. I absolutely know nothing I say to him would ever go any further and vice versa. I woukd be a bit offended by this as its like he doesnt trust you. However maybe its because you dont work in the same field? My husband and I often come across the same people and have access to the same info anyway. But yes we talk about info that is confidential together. Its a highly stressful field and you do often need to talk to somebody about it.

Spidey66 · 03/08/2023 20:56

If he was a doctor, and your mum or friend had seen him would you demand he tells you why? No of course not, unless the other person specifically said he could. Same thing.

Mumuser124 · 03/08/2023 20:56

*know

MrsLighthouse · 03/08/2023 20:57

Not odd. It’s a good character trait.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 20:57
warning star trek GIF by Anthony Antonellis

Your husband wants to buy a present for his woman boss because she feels down and hurt after other employees at the charity were ‘unkind/caused a scene’ but he won’t tell you what was said.

Uh, no.

topnoddy · 03/08/2023 20:58

If this is how you react i'm not surprised !