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Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
ImNotReallySpartacus · 03/08/2023 20:14

I don't think you understand the difference between sharing one's own private information with a partner and sharing someone else's.

Gardeningisfun · 03/08/2023 20:14

He is doing the right thing. My dad was a vicar and used to tell my mum everything under the guise of “married people should tell each other everything”. It was very unprofessional and disrespectful to people. Charities and Churches are terrible for gossip.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/08/2023 20:15

It may be the fact that you know the people concerned that is (rightly) making him circumspect. If they were unconnected to you it might be different.

FarEast · 03/08/2023 20:15

Reverse the situation @SophieD1987 Imagine there’s an organisation you’re involved with but there’s been a problem. A colleague is involved in trying to sort out the situation. You know the colleague’s spouse and meet them socially occasionally.

Would you like that spouse to know what the problem you’re involved with is?

Thought not.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 20:16

There’s things my DH doesn’t know for same sort of reason.
Your parents were in the wrong.

HappyBinosaur · 03/08/2023 20:16

@openthecurtainsagain

personally I'd find it a bit nuts if he wouldn't tell me what it was all about.

Because it’s none of your business and it’s someone else’s confidential information.

Where would you draw the line? A GP husband telling you about a difficult patient? A teacher husband talking about an issue with a specific child? The vicar telling his wife about a local pastoral situation?

saraclara · 03/08/2023 20:16

openthecurtainsagain · 03/08/2023 20:10

I work in an area which has a lot of 'secrets' and if it were me after a long day, I'd definitely want to talk about it with my other half so I could process/get it out of my system. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Maybe your DH just doesn't need to process things in the same way?

If he's working for a small charity and not MI5, personally I'd find it a bit nuts if he wouldn't tell me what it was all about.

I work as a volunteer and trustee of a small charity, and I absolutely NEVER disclose anything about a service user without their permission.

People aren't worth less because of the size of the company/charity/whatever they're invoked with.

Hillrunning · 03/08/2023 20:17

Of course he shouldn't tell you. It isn't his thing to be telling. Couples don't get to know other people's business just because they are couples.

Lndnmummy · 03/08/2023 20:17

Integrity is something I really value. If my friends told me something in confidence, relationship issue or whatever I would not tell dh. He would not tell me me either. Not because we don't trust eachother but because it isn't our secrets to tell. We don't gossip or sensationalise other people's lives and challenges. Integrity is one of the things I love and respect the most about my dh. He has it in spades, and then some.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/08/2023 20:18

My DH works in child safeguarding: I can genuinely tell you nothing that he’s done at work, ever.

I do know that one day he came home and said “we’re going out for tea, all 5 of us, just to be together” and I know that must have been an awful day.

why would he tell you anything confidential and why would you expect it?

your DH is a man with integrity.

Lndnmummy · 03/08/2023 20:19

ImNotReallySpartacus · 03/08/2023 20:14

I don't think you understand the difference between sharing one's own private information with a partner and sharing someone else's.

This

Fundays12 · 03/08/2023 20:19

I tell my husband nothing about my clients. Its confidential information and a breach of the data protection act. If your DH posted this it would potentially contain something like my wife is upset I can't divulge confidential information but if I do divulge it I could be breaking confidentiality and the law.

HappyBinosaur · 03/08/2023 20:19

@Gardeningisfun I hope my posts reassure you that it’s not always like that. People actually sometimes assume dh knows things that he doesn’t!
But generally, churches are often really bad for gossip and it frustrates me a lot.

cherry2727 · 03/08/2023 20:19

I would be irritated also op. I wouldn't expect him to tell me there is an issue if he isn't going to disclose what the issue is. If he's soo strung up on confidentiality why didn't he keep such issues to himself and sort the gift out ?
I get irritated when people half disclose information or say "oh yeah I always knew" when something confidential becomes public knowledge!

Mothercareyschickens · 03/08/2023 20:19

BIWI · 03/08/2023 19:40

Of course he shouldn't tell you! I'm glad that your husband has more integrity than you appear to have.

This ^

IncompleteSenten · 03/08/2023 20:19

Yes. You are.
You aren't entitled to other people's information just because you are married to someone who has been entrusted with that information.

Cosycover · 03/08/2023 20:19

Well he shouldn't tell you. But my husband would. So would I.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 03/08/2023 20:20

He is being professional and you are looking for gossip.
Stop it!!!!

FOJN · 03/08/2023 20:20

No he shouldn't tell you anything and I would go so far as to say he shouldn't even have mentioned it.

Tell him not to bring things like that up, recruit you in the joint gift buying and then tell you the reason for the gift is confidential. It's all a bit fucking MI5 and attention seeking on his part.

I don't think he's behaved with integrity at all.

MinnieTruck · 03/08/2023 20:21

Do you know what confidentiality means? Sounds like you just want a good gossip tbh

truthhurts23 · 03/08/2023 20:21

do you think that this woman and your husband are a bit too close for comfort?
how personal was this incident that he cant share it with you?
people being nasty to her in a isolated incident, doesn't sound like a situation that needs to be kept confidential, many people probably already know about it

and I wouldn't feel ok if my husband was letting another woman confide in him about personal issues and then he shuts me out and gives me a professional cold response about it being "confidential"

is she is confiding in him about things that she shouldn't, maybe they are talking about things that your husband knows you wouldn't like
I would be suspicious

saraclara · 03/08/2023 20:21

Cosycover · 03/08/2023 20:19

Well he shouldn't tell you. But my husband would. So would I.

People like you and your husband should wear some kind of badge so that the rest of us would know not to tell you anything we don't want the world to know.

Pedallleur · 03/08/2023 20:21

I work with someone whose wife is an accountant with a big firm. She handled the pay off of a very famous manager from a very famous club. She would not tell him what the details were. That's how it is in some jobs.

Custardslices · 03/08/2023 20:21

You can't change anything even if he told you.

Leave it alone and get on with the rest of your day. If the person wants you to know they will tell you themselves.

NancyJoan · 03/08/2023 20:23

He shouldn’t have told you anything at all. Telling you ‘Ooh, something big happened with Sarah and Joe, but it’s confidential so I can’t tell you’ is beyond irritating.

I have a couple of secrets that I have been told that I haven’t told DH, to do with his family, but he has no idea that I am his sister’s secret keeper.