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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
Mothercareyschickens · 03/08/2023 20:24

Cosycover · 03/08/2023 20:19

Well he shouldn't tell you. But my husband would. So would I.

So you would both breach Data Protection Laws?

Take care @Cosycover

What is the penalty for data breach in the UK?
Fines of up to £17.5 million under the UK GDPR, €20 million under the EU GDPR or 4% of annual global turnover can be issued for infringements of articles: 5 (data processing principles); 6 (lawfulness of processing); 7 (conditions for consent);

OooohAhhhh · 03/08/2023 20:24

If he was on jury duty he wouldn't be allowed to tell you what the case was about either, but would you expect him to tell you anyway?

aboutbloodytime123 · 03/08/2023 20:24

Yeah he's absolutely right OP - you don't have an automatic right to know. My DP has necessary work secrets - I understand your curiousity totally but actually I would think less of him if he did spill the beans.

SemperIdem · 03/08/2023 20:24

It’s completely weird to tell your spouse everything.

My line of work involves dealing with confidential issues, I don’t go home and then tell my partner the in’s and out’s of someone’s personal business! I take pride in actually keeping people’s confidential information just that.

cherry2727 · 03/08/2023 20:25

*Tell him not to bring things like that up, recruit you in the joint gift buying and then tell you the reason for the gift is confidential. It's all a bit fucking MI5 and attention seeking on his part.

I don't think he's behaved with integrity at all.*

Exactly my thoughts !!!! Soo many people love doing this and then cite " but it's confidential so I can't tell you!" and then walk away like some martyr- it drives me insane!!!

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/08/2023 20:25

Lots of my way to is confidential, I only tell my husband things in a similar vague way.

We did agree if one of knew the end of the world was imminent, we would tell each other.

saraclara · 03/08/2023 20:25

and I wouldn't feel ok if my husband was letting another woman confide in him about personal issues and then he shuts me out and gives me a professional cold response about it being "confidential"

A.male friend of mine shared a hugely difficult confidence with me. I didn't tell my late husband. If I had, I'm sure my husband would have been disappointed in me for blurting out a confidence. It wouldn't have occurred to him that there was anything worrying about another man sharing a confidence with me. We trusted each other, and we both had that kind of integrity.

ImGoingThroughChanges · 03/08/2023 20:25

Telling you there’s a big secret he can’t tell you is him being a dick. I am related to someone like that. He gets a kick out of people thinking he’s more important than them. If it’s that confidential he shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 03/08/2023 20:27

ImNotReallySpartacus · 03/08/2023 20:14

I don't think you understand the difference between sharing one's own private information with a partner and sharing someone else's.

Yes exactly this!

Sharing everything about each other is fine, as long as it’s about each other and not other people.

That isn’t sharing, that’s gossiping.

As some people have said - we’ve all been in situations where something has happened at work and it’s taken a massive toll on us and so sometimes it’s ok to say what happened without giving out actual confidential information.

But this isn’t even what’s happened here.

The DH isn’t affected in anyway and it’s nothing to do with him. He’s just trying to be a good friend to someone going through a lot.
So it’s not his place to share.

Blatantlyfemale · 03/08/2023 20:27

BIWI · 03/08/2023 19:40

Of course he shouldn't tell you! I'm glad that your husband has more integrity than you appear to have.

This.

Your attitude is disgraceful on both a personal and professional level.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 20:28

cherry2727 · 03/08/2023 20:25

*Tell him not to bring things like that up, recruit you in the joint gift buying and then tell you the reason for the gift is confidential. It's all a bit fucking MI5 and attention seeking on his part.

I don't think he's behaved with integrity at all.*

Exactly my thoughts !!!! Soo many people love doing this and then cite " but it's confidential so I can't tell you!" and then walk away like some martyr- it drives me insane!!!

With joint finances though, why wouldn’t you mention you’re spending family money on a gift? Otherwise we’d have a thread about a mysterious charge for what is obviously a gift and OMG, is there an OW?

lizzielizard · 03/08/2023 20:29

Your husband sounds like a top bloke - but I get how you feel. I'd be a bit pissed off - but then if he told me what I wanted to know I'd be even more pissed off because he wasn't the top bloke I thought he was. Be proud of your Top Bloke.

HeadNorth · 03/08/2023 20:29

I’m surprised by a lot of the responses. DH & I share everything, including confidential work stuff. We absolutely and utterly trust each other. We’d never share with anyone else, but no secrets between us. We’ve been together over 30 years.

porridgeisbae · 03/08/2023 20:30

It's kind of good that he's like that. I mean, presumably this is a voluntary rather than professional role? But still pretty cool that he's being that way; maybe even more so because he doesn't have to.

Escapefromhell · 03/08/2023 20:31

You are unreasonable to complain that your husband has integrity.

caringcarer · 03/08/2023 20:32

My DH used to work for the mOD in a civilian role and kneel
Loads of secrets about what they were thinking of purchasing etc but never told me a thing. Why would I want to know that stuff anyway. You are putting your DH in a difficult position if you ask so say nothing.

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 20:32

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 20:28

With joint finances though, why wouldn’t you mention you’re spending family money on a gift? Otherwise we’d have a thread about a mysterious charge for what is obviously a gift and OMG, is there an OW?

Show quote history

Someone is already insinuating that he's having too close relations if a woman is confiding in him, so
Lord knows what would happen if he hadn't mentioned it.

I'm glad there are people still capable of keeping confidences. OP has no need to know other than nosiness.

tolerable · 03/08/2023 20:33

Why cant you see his credibility?he told you ALL you need to know. You both know all the members and he is commendable for not putting you or them in a situation where he breaches trust. Why are you comparing it to your parents.And how can you possibly know that anyway?thats weird.your totally out of order if expectations to walk in their shoes. live your own life.Being hurt by it?thats straight up not ok. mind your business

FOJN · 03/08/2023 20:33

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 20:28

With joint finances though, why wouldn’t you mention you’re spending family money on a gift? Otherwise we’d have a thread about a mysterious charge for what is obviously a gift and OMG, is there an OW?

Show quote history

I didn't see anything about joint finances in the OP.

You sound as addicted to drama as the OP's husband, we've gone from assumed joint finances to accusations of an OW on the basis of err nothing. Have you written the script for the divorce and financial settlement yet?

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 20:35

FOJN · 03/08/2023 20:33

I didn't see anything about joint finances in the OP.

You sound as addicted to drama as the OP's husband, we've gone from assumed joint finances to accusations of an OW on the basis of err nothing. Have you written the script for the divorce and financial settlement yet?

Show quote history

I fear you have grossly misunderstood my entire post.

seathewayahead · 03/08/2023 20:35

If it is confidential then it’s confidential. But I agree it’s a bit strange to ask/ tell you that he’s spending family money on a gift. Is that appropriate? Hard to say if you don’t know what the issue is but I would find that part weird if it were my husband.

Dillane · 03/08/2023 20:35

BIWI · 03/08/2023 19:40

Of course he shouldn't tell you! I'm glad that your husband has more integrity than you appear to have.

This

Get a grip OP 🙄

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/08/2023 20:36

@FOJN that's how MN works.

If OP found out about the gift by herself and asked him why and then explained but still kept the full story confidential, 99% of replies would be that itself bullshit, he's cheating or preparing to. The other one percent would say that he's still an arsehole because he lied/did it behind her back.

inpolzeathwetrust · 03/08/2023 20:37

I have been told probably hundreds of huge secrets over the years. Probably because my friends and family know I never ever ever spill the beans. Not to my (lovely) husband, not to the dog, not to the garden shed. Ever. I'm a completely safe repository. I have only one, yes that's one, person I would trust to treat my confidential stuff the same way. It's only a secret as long as you don't pass it on

TimeIhadaNameChange · 03/08/2023 20:38

I asked a friend of mine e for advice years ago and asked he didn't tell anyone. I was surprised, yet relieved, he'd not even mentioned it to his wife, despite putting him in an awkward position wrt a family decision. I bought them a thank you once the whole business was over.

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