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Original poster

I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

181 replies

Mlt · 03/08/2023 10:47

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19. He’s 28 now
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

OP posts:
Oowoo · 03/08/2023 11:03

I think the fact that he lied about it and you’ve only just found out really cements it for me, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to continue the relationship. At 19 I had absolutely no interest in people who were 17, let alone 14 I would really question his motives and I can’t see anything other than abusive ones. It sounds like it’s really been playing on your mind, do you think you’d ever be able to not think about it when you see him? I personally wouldn’t think it’s worth continuing the relationship if you know you’re going to be uncomfortable with it forever (understandably!) but it must be hard because you’ve only known him as this lovely man so far! Sending love and support for whatever you choose x

TeaKitten · 03/08/2023 11:05

So at 21 he was having sex with a 16 year old child, it’s grim, and he’s lied about it. I can’t imagine being attracted to him after that!

Blackbyrd · 03/08/2023 11:07

Trust your instincts, you've already caught him lying and it doesn't bode well

Ijustfeellost · 03/08/2023 11:09

I couldn’t I’m afraid. It’s a power play first and foremost when men play with teenage girls but the fact he lied to her makes it even more grim and suspect.

I was the 16 year old with an older first boyfriend and when I look back I was absolutely groomed by him and at the mercy of his ‘life experience’.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 03/08/2023 11:09

How long have you been with him?

TeaKitten · 03/08/2023 11:12

Ijustfeellost · 03/08/2023 11:09

I couldn’t I’m afraid. It’s a power play first and foremost when men play with teenage girls but the fact he lied to her makes it even more grim and suspect.

I was the 16 year old with an older first boyfriend and when I look back I was absolutely groomed by him and at the mercy of his ‘life experience’.

She doesn’t say anywhere that he lied to the teenage girl? I agree he’s horrible though.

Dombasle · 03/08/2023 11:17

The way you speak about his child is quite flippant.

'They've got a kid'

'The kid is 2.'

You don't refer to the child as being your partners son or daughter, just as 'kid.

The child is only 2.

I would step away now from this young family and find a man who hasn't got children.

Turefu · 03/08/2023 11:20

My schoolmate started relationship with her now husband when she was 14 and he was 20. They’re still together. Cousin met his wife, when she was 15 and he was 20, again, still together. Their daughter repeated history by getting engaged at 16 to her 20y old fiancé. She’s in her thirties now, married with two kids. That said, I’m well into my forties and cousin is about to retired. Standards were different back then. For me bigger issue is he lied to you. Trust your instincts on this one.

StephanieSuperpowers · 03/08/2023 11:23

TeaKitten · 03/08/2023 11:05

So at 21 he was having sex with a 16 year old child, it’s grim, and he’s lied about it. I can’t imagine being attracted to him after that!

That's what he's prepared to admit to.

Gnomegnomegnome · 03/08/2023 11:28

How long have you been together? You said ‘quite a while’ but that ‘his kid is two’?

How old are you?

twelly · 03/08/2023 11:28

They were together for 8 years - that to me shows a commitment. The relationship is in the past.
Clearly if you have a problem with it and can't past it that is an issue, most people have past relationships these are in the past and I would not have a problem with this one.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/08/2023 11:41

So this all happened about 10 years ago? Yeah that would be a no from most people your age, I'd think.

It happened in the 80s all the time (Bill Wyman anyone?) but thankfully we've moved on a bit.

FannyFifer · 03/08/2023 11:46

That's a nope from me, doubt I could continue a relationship with him.

Yusay · 03/08/2023 12:08

Different issues…

  1. Fancying a 14 year old child when he was a 19 year old man. Gross, a major turn off. But all a long time ago and they had a committed relationship so I could forget about this unless it meant I no longer found him attractive.
  2. Lying to you, and probably still lying to you about ‘did nothing until she was 16’. No no no. With lies there can be no trust, and without trust you have nothing.

If you don’t have kids / property with him, find someone better. If you do, it’s a much harder decision.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 03/08/2023 12:17

You can't have been with him that long. You said he got with the ex at 19 and they were together 8 years (so til he was 27) and he's 28 now.

How old are you OP?

Original poster
Mlt · 03/08/2023 12:18

youve just taken this so out of context. Just because I said kid doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. I’ve got kids and wouldn’t care if anyone referred to them as a kid?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mlt · 03/08/2023 12:19

@Dombasle youve just taken this so out of context. Just because I said kid doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. I’ve got kids and wouldn’t care if anyone referred to them as a kid?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 03/08/2023 12:20

You’ve only just found out he has a 2 year old child?
He’s hardly your ‘partner’ then - he is some bloke you are dating.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 12:21

That's grim. He groomed a 14yo child? Disgusting.

IamSaved · 03/08/2023 12:22

That's quite revolting. If a friend was knocking about with a 14 year old when we were 19, I'd disown them.

Motnight · 03/08/2023 12:23

He certainly has form for lying.

Original poster
Mlt · 03/08/2023 12:24

I’m 28 also, I think my post has confused a few people. Sorry I meant I’ve only just found out about their ages not child also we’ve been together a year

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 12:25

So what are you going to do now that you know that he groomed a child?

IamSaved · 03/08/2023 12:25

Mlt · 03/08/2023 12:24

I’m 28 also, I think my post has confused a few people. Sorry I meant I’ve only just found out about their ages not child also we’ve been together a year

It's a big thing to lie about. What's more concerning is his behaviour when he was 19. Are you not disgusted by this?

OrchidOrchard · 03/08/2023 12:40

@IamSaved she says in her OP that it makes her sick? Did you read the OP? His behaviour at 19 is the point of her posting!