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Original poster

I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

181 replies

Mlt · 03/08/2023 10:47

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19. He’s 28 now
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

OP posts:
crapactually · 03/08/2023 14:58

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

It might have felt ok for you and your friends at the time and it's good for you that you don't feel you were harmed by that.

It doesn't mean it's not a safeguarding concern though. It is!

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 15:03

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:43

I'm surprised at the posters saying I did it, it was normal.

As a parent, I would have been deeply unhappy about my dd at 14 dating a 19yo man. Would people really be OK with their own daughters in that situation? Or do they not have daughters and view it differently because of that?

I don't have sons, but I imagine I would be very concerned if my 19yo son started dating a 14yo girl. That seems really weird to me and I would be wondering what was wrong with him while worrying about the child that he was exploiting.

I have a 17 year son and I would be disgusted if he thought it was acceptable to 'date' a 14 year old. He would never. He is only interested in people his own age, not the age of his younger sibling.

On that note, people saying 'dating'...did the older boys actually take you out for meals or on proper dates?

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 15:04

What some aren't grasping is that their older boyfriends could face jail time. For very good reason.

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 15:10

HerMammy · 03/08/2023 14:44

Also, at 18/19 most young ppl are out to pubs and clubs, what's he doing with his wee gf? sex in the back of his corsa?
Very sad women justifying it here.

Why do you assume that his girlfriend wasn't in the pub or club with him? I always looked old enough to be allowed in pubs and clubs (although there weren't really loads of clubs in those days), and many of my nights out were spent either in pubs or at concerts. I know things are a bit different now, but when I was a teen, people didn't automatically jump into bed with boyfriends/girlfriends immediately. One night stands for girls was almost unheard of, and almost without exception, me and my friends would have gone out with a boyfriend for many weeks, if not months, before having sex.

Just because the OP's boyfriend had a younger girlfriend when they were in their teens doesnt necessarily mean they were shagging wildly at every opportunity.

DMLady · 03/08/2023 15:12

When I was at college (16-18), a not very close friend was dating someone in their mid twenties. They’d been together a while and stayed together a while after college (might still be together now for all I know — I’m not in contact with her anymore). At the time, it seemed very grown up (he had a car! A house!) — and it was only as I got older that I started to realise how weird it was and wondered what he got out of it. When you’re in your 20s, someone in their mid-late teens is in a whole other world emotionally. Why would you want that? (I’m not even thinking about sex here because I don’t know where to start. I don’t always think it’s grooming though, as some PPs have suggested. Though wouldn’t rule that out.) Your partner was also in his teens, of course, and I guess might have been very immature — but the age gap is still odd. Having said that, he was with his ex for 8 years, which is a committed relationship. Perhaps he wasn’t honest with you initially because he was aware how it sounds/how people — you — might take it? I don’t think lying is great but only you know if things are good/you trust him apart from this. If they are/you do, then maybe accept it (if you can) and try to move on. If you can’t accept it, though, or this is yet another red flag for you, then perhaps it’s time to move on in a different way…

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 15:16

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 15:10

Why do you assume that his girlfriend wasn't in the pub or club with him? I always looked old enough to be allowed in pubs and clubs (although there weren't really loads of clubs in those days), and many of my nights out were spent either in pubs or at concerts. I know things are a bit different now, but when I was a teen, people didn't automatically jump into bed with boyfriends/girlfriends immediately. One night stands for girls was almost unheard of, and almost without exception, me and my friends would have gone out with a boyfriend for many weeks, if not months, before having sex.

Just because the OP's boyfriend had a younger girlfriend when they were in their teens doesnt necessarily mean they were shagging wildly at every opportunity.

Show quote history

I remember being in a nightclub when I was 15,

Got in because I had big boobs. Made me uncomfortable even then the way the adult men looked at me, but I thought I was super cool getting in.

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 15:19

@anon1888
I lost my virginity at 16 to a 32 year old.
Also had a few one night stands with much older men. My best friend had an affair with a man who was 36.. she was 17.
All felt very grown up at the time (this was the 90s.There was definitely no dating involved.. straight to the bedroom.
Absolutely disgusting to look back on now.
Really don't understand all the excuses being made on this thread for a man who is clearly a pedophile.
I think these type of things happened a lot back in the 80/90s and for some reason people turned a blind eye to it. Ops partner did this in 2014. Definitely not common then and this is probably why he lied about it, because he knows full well what he did was wrong.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/08/2023 15:23

If you’ve been together a year, and their child is only two, it’s not the healthiest situation to be entering into. Especially if you’ve got designs on blending your families.

I also wouldn’t believe for one second that they waited until she was 16. Come off it.

I couldn’t get passed a near 20-year-old messing around with a 14-year-old child.

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 15:25

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 15:19

@anon1888
I lost my virginity at 16 to a 32 year old.
Also had a few one night stands with much older men. My best friend had an affair with a man who was 36.. she was 17.
All felt very grown up at the time (this was the 90s.There was definitely no dating involved.. straight to the bedroom.
Absolutely disgusting to look back on now.
Really don't understand all the excuses being made on this thread for a man who is clearly a pedophile.
I think these type of things happened a lot back in the 80/90s and for some reason people turned a blind eye to it. Ops partner did this in 2014. Definitely not common then and this is probably why he lied about it, because he knows full well what he did was wrong.

I totally agree with you.

Looking back I feel so sorry for my younger self. I thought I was so clever and worldly.

People say 'different times'...you're either attracted to people barely out of puberty or you're not.

And my experiences are from early 2000 so not 1950's where it was 'ok' because people with a penchant for young girls could get away with it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:30

You've got to wonder why a 19yo guy wasn't able to find a girlfriend nearer his own age. I can only presume that he enjoyed the imbalance of power that came with exploiting a child...

And whether they waited until she was 16 or not is hardly relevant in my view. Either he groomed a child for 2 years and then had sex with her, or else he raped a child who was not old enough to consent. Both are pretty despicable as far as I'm concerned.

Grumpigal · 03/08/2023 15:30

No I wouldn’t continue OP. Regardless of them having a relationship for 8 years he still pursued a teenager when he was old enough to know much better.

He may be ashamed of it now in retrospect, giving him a massive benefit of doubt perhaps he was socially awkward, shy and immature at 19 and he hasn’t actually realised his actions were way out of line until years down the line…. Perhaps.

but either way he then went onto lie about it, because he knows it’s gross and people will judge him.

Move on from this, hopefully he is learning another lesson here about being honest and transparent in future relationships

AuntMarch · 03/08/2023 15:34

I dont think I would be getting into a relationship with anyone with a one year old baby from an 8 year relationship, especially when it had been their enitre adult life so far- why can some people not just stay single for a while?! I'd feel like they wanted someone rather than me necessarily.
That is even without the question you are actually asking.

When I was 16 my friend and I were both sleeping with 21 year olds. At the time we were flattered. I don't know for sure that they knew our ages at first (met out drinking) but they definitely did in the end and the way I viewed it shifted hugely when I hit my 20s myself. I would have been disgusted if my male peers or younger brother had been hanging around with school girls at that age. They were not immature themselves so had no other reason to want the company of children.

Only you can decide how much it matters to you though

Ponderingwindow · 03/08/2023 15:35

You have only been dating a year. You have your own children to think about in terms of what kind of person you are bringing into their lives.

letting this one go is beyond obvious.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:35

I'm so sorry to those posters who were exploited or abused as young girls.

It has never been ok for adult men to exploit or abuse teenage girls. I remember my friends and I being horrified back in the 1980s when one of our classmates was "going out with" an adult man. It was as wrong then as it is wrong now. I am sorry that nobody intervened to protect you.

GoldDuster · 03/08/2023 15:36

This is not a case of "different times". It was nine years ago. 2014 not 1914, and even if it was a century ago a nineteen year old man and a 14 year old girl would be inappropriate then too.

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 15:39

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:35

I'm so sorry to those posters who were exploited or abused as young girls.

It has never been ok for adult men to exploit or abuse teenage girls. I remember my friends and I being horrified back in the 1980s when one of our classmates was "going out with" an adult man. It was as wrong then as it is wrong now. I am sorry that nobody intervened to protect you.

Thank you.

Yfory · 03/08/2023 15:40

My parents were 14 and 19 when they first met. My dad wasnt in any way a predator/into children. Different times I know (it was the 60s) but not all relationships with those ages are the disaster zone people think. Plenty yes but not all.

scrivette · 03/08/2023 15:43

My nana and grandad were 14 and 18, marriage lasted 52 years but different times I suppose and it wasn't unusual then.

I went out with a 21 year old when I was 15, most of my friends were happily dating 18/19 year olds. I have no regrets and wasn't groomed, I did all the chasing.

blacknredsweeties · 03/08/2023 15:44

This thread is eye opening and sickening.

ASGIRC · 03/08/2023 15:44

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

Same! Pretty standard in my circle... Dating older was a massive status boost as well!
I wasnt groomed by anyone...

I find it really weird how against age gaps some people are!

SMabbutt · 03/08/2023 15:45

My parents were the same ages and have been together 68 years. It doesn't have to be sleazy. Your partner had a committed relationship for 8 years and presumably you found him to be a decent person prior to this discovery. However, if it changes how you feel then that's just how you feel and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Take some time to digest the information, then if it still unsettles you or makes you feel ick end it.

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 15:46

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 15:19

@anon1888
I lost my virginity at 16 to a 32 year old.
Also had a few one night stands with much older men. My best friend had an affair with a man who was 36.. she was 17.
All felt very grown up at the time (this was the 90s.There was definitely no dating involved.. straight to the bedroom.
Absolutely disgusting to look back on now.
Really don't understand all the excuses being made on this thread for a man who is clearly a pedophile.
I think these type of things happened a lot back in the 80/90s and for some reason people turned a blind eye to it. Ops partner did this in 2014. Definitely not common then and this is probably why he lied about it, because he knows full well what he did was wrong.

I think it's going a bit far to call the man a paedophile - he was a teen too, and quite honestly, I don't find it unbelievable to think that he didn't have sex with his previous girlfriend until she was 16. Not everyone jumps into bed with a boyfriend straight away, and I don't think most women have one night stands even nowadays. I know I was a teenager in the 1970s and things have changed, but I always had boyfriends who were at least three or more years older than me, and I can count the number I had sex with on one hand. I can assure anyone who is suggesting that teenage girls are being groomed or exploited by older boyfriends that this was most definitely not the case with me, or with any of my friends. With one exception, I was never ever put under any pressure to sleep with a boyfriend, or felt intimidated into doing anything I didn;t want to do. The only notable exception was when I was 15 and I reluctantly accepted a date with our paper boy, who was also 15, because my Mum thought he was a really nice boy. That was the only time I felt that I was close to being in danger of being sexually abused in my 65 years, when he grabbed me outside the youth club and pulled me round the back but a very hard and well aimed knee to his goolies stopped him in his tracks.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:48

scrivette · 03/08/2023 15:43

My nana and grandad were 14 and 18, marriage lasted 52 years but different times I suppose and it wasn't unusual then.

I went out with a 21 year old when I was 15, most of my friends were happily dating 18/19 year olds. I have no regrets and wasn't groomed, I did all the chasing.

If you had a 15yo daughter, would you be happy with her dating a 21yo man?

ASGIRC · 03/08/2023 15:48

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 15:19

@anon1888
I lost my virginity at 16 to a 32 year old.
Also had a few one night stands with much older men. My best friend had an affair with a man who was 36.. she was 17.
All felt very grown up at the time (this was the 90s.There was definitely no dating involved.. straight to the bedroom.
Absolutely disgusting to look back on now.
Really don't understand all the excuses being made on this thread for a man who is clearly a pedophile.
I think these type of things happened a lot back in the 80/90s and for some reason people turned a blind eye to it. Ops partner did this in 2014. Definitely not common then and this is probably why he lied about it, because he knows full well what he did was wrong.

I hate to be pedantic, but I have to...

Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to CHILDREN. CHILDREN means pre pubescent. Not teenagers with raging hormones. Teenagers are minors, but are not children. Not when it comes to the definition, in particular as it pertains to pedophilia.

The guy might have been a statutory rapist, or a sex abuser of a minor, but not a pedophile. (and yes, semantics do matter)

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 15:48

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:35

I'm so sorry to those posters who were exploited or abused as young girls.

It has never been ok for adult men to exploit or abuse teenage girls. I remember my friends and I being horrified back in the 1980s when one of our classmates was "going out with" an adult man. It was as wrong then as it is wrong now. I am sorry that nobody intervened to protect you.

Agree. Thankyou:)

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