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Original poster

I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

181 replies

Mlt · 03/08/2023 10:47

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19. He’s 28 now
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

OP posts:
kraftyKitten · 03/08/2023 12:43

TeaKitten · 03/08/2023 11:05

So at 21 he was having sex with a 16 year old child, it’s grim, and he’s lied about it. I can’t imagine being attracted to him after that!

A 16 year old can consent to sex . 21 is still young.

Yahyahs22 · 03/08/2023 12:43

TeaKitten · 03/08/2023 11:05

So at 21 he was having sex with a 16 year old child, it’s grim, and he’s lied about it. I can’t imagine being attracted to him after that!

My thoughts exactly. 16 might be 'legal' but it's gross

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 12:49

I have a 14 year old. I'm at uni with 19 year olds right now and the thought of any one of them being attracted to my CHILD makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm sorry but I couldn't get by that. I understand there was commitment but I think it is very strange someone going into their 20s would be attracted to someone still in school.

And no, I don't believe a 19 year old male would wait 2 years to have sex.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 12:51

kraftyKitten · 03/08/2023 12:43

A 16 year old can consent to sex . 21 is still young.

Show quote history

They can consent, but this child was groomed by an adult since the age of 14. Do you think that's appropriate?

And yes, 21 is objectively "quite young" but at 16 and 21 (or 14 and 19!), it is a massive and very inappropriate age gap.

RoseBucket · 03/08/2023 12:56

That’s the same gap as the Radford (spelling?) isn’t it. From a parents point of view I’d have hit the roof, it’s grim.

GoldDuster · 03/08/2023 13:04

A 19 year old man prepared to be the boyfriend of a 14 year old girl, even if he did wait for two years until "she was legal" is gross. A 21 year old man with a 16 year old girl who's been grooming her for two years, still gross.

Added to which he lied about it, and you obviously don't feel brilliantly about the news so that's all you need to know. It's a huge turn off in a partner generally, sex with a minor and lying about it. It feels wrong to you because it's wrong.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 13:08

My dd is 18. I just asked her what she and her friends would think if one of her peers decided to date a 14yo. She said that they would think it was really inappropriate. She then wondered what kind of 19yo man would actually be interested in a 14yo child anyway.

montecarlo7 · 03/08/2023 13:12

Going out with a 14 year old is quite weird. Thinking back to age 14 I hadn't really fully gone through puberty yet. Why would he be attracted to that?

crapactually · 03/08/2023 13:20

I couldn't get past this, it's gross and brings his judgment seriously into question. And then he lied about it.

User1786 · 03/08/2023 13:21

As gross as this is, when did he lie to you? Why were you talking about previous relationships. I would never discuss my past relationships with new partners or ask about theirs as it always leads to issues

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 13:26

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

The law is 16 for a reason. Even if you thought you were old and mature enough, legally you weren't and those older boys absolutely did take advantage of you and your friends.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 13:32

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Riverlee · 03/08/2023 13:40

twelly · 03/08/2023 11:28

They were together for 8 years - that to me shows a commitment. The relationship is in the past.
Clearly if you have a problem with it and can't past it that is an issue, most people have past relationships these are in the past and I would not have a problem with this one.

This

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 13:50

he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16
Course he didn't! They went on picnics and held hands (while her mum supervised...). And they talked about politics and the weather! Will the weather be nice enough for a picnic tomorrow?
Still girls are supposed to be more than boys. At 19 many guys are still deeply immature. Hopefully he's a proper adult now but only can tell. What do you think? If you're sitting on the fence to answer that, well there's your answers with whistles and bells on.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 13:51

supposed to be more *mature

crapactually · 03/08/2023 13:55

twelly · 03/08/2023 11:28

They were together for 8 years - that to me shows a commitment. The relationship is in the past.
Clearly if you have a problem with it and can't past it that is an issue, most people have past relationships these are in the past and I would not have a problem with this one.

I don't think his commitment is what's being called int

Janieforever · 03/08/2023 13:55

This is quite sickening.

two options, you believe they had a chaste romantic relationship for two whole years. This then means it was grooming of a child from the age of 14

you don’t believe it and suspect they did have sex from 14, and as such then it was illegal and sexual assault/Rape . He had sex with a child unable to legally consent.

the fact she stayed with him till she was 22 does not mean it was a committed relationship. He was all she knew and either way she was a victim.

there is no coming back from it for me, unless there are other mitigating circumstances Ie he has a development delay/learning difficulties that made him unable to realise that him being with a child as a grown man was wrong in many ways, not just in terms of the law. But in so many other ways.

crapactually · 03/08/2023 13:56

Sorry, sausage fingers. I don't think his commitment is being called into question, it's an adult having a relationship with a child!

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 13:59

crapactually · 03/08/2023 13:56

Sorry, sausage fingers. I don't think his commitment is being called into question, it's an adult having a relationship with a child!

Quite.

useless1000 · 03/08/2023 13:59

It's the age rather than the age gap here - 14 is so young, however I was 17 when I met my husband who was 21, I was already very independent, working, clubbing, drinking, and certainly didn't feel groomed, I think our maturity levels were the same, we moved in together a year later not really intentionally but circumstances meant that 1 rent was preferable to 2, this was late 90's and we are still happy

useless1000 · 03/08/2023 14:01

Sorry pressed too soon....
So maybe he was very immature at 19,

Janieforever · 03/08/2023 14:02

useless1000 · 03/08/2023 13:59

It's the age rather than the age gap here - 14 is so young, however I was 17 when I met my husband who was 21, I was already very independent, working, clubbing, drinking, and certainly didn't feel groomed, I think our maturity levels were the same, we moved in together a year later not really intentionally but circumstances meant that 1 rent was preferable to 2, this was late 90's and we are still happy

17 and 21 is very different, it’s a limited gap and you were above the age of consent. It is no where near the same as a 14 year old.

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 14:11

My DS is 18 and he was worried when her met his GF because she was only 16 (he was 18 in April and she turns 17 this month) - he thought he’d be judged.

So I imagine for most 19 year olds, a 14 year old child is not an acceptable partner.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 14:13

This would be give me the ICK (with capital letters).