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Original poster

I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

181 replies

Mlt · 03/08/2023 10:47

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19. He’s 28 now
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

OP posts:
anon1888 · 03/08/2023 14:16

useless1000 · 03/08/2023 13:59

It's the age rather than the age gap here - 14 is so young, however I was 17 when I met my husband who was 21, I was already very independent, working, clubbing, drinking, and certainly didn't feel groomed, I think our maturity levels were the same, we moved in together a year later not really intentionally but circumstances meant that 1 rent was preferable to 2, this was late 90's and we are still happy

17 is very different from 14 though. In your teens that's a massive age gap. My 14 year old has only been at high school for 2 years. So 2 years ago they were in primary school.

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 03/08/2023 14:18

All the ‘it was long ago’ and ‘a different time’ people…9 years ago was 2014. 2014 was not ‘a different time’ with regards to nonces. Which is what this man is if he was having sex with a 14 year old.

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:19

I would be concerned by the lying aspect but maybe he realised that you would be concerned? as someone else said, standards have changed over the years. When I was 14, I looked much older, and I think I behaved in a much more mature way than most of my friends, and I would never had considered going out with anyone my own age. Most of my boyfriends were between 18-21 and I must admit I fibbed about my age most of the time until I was 16, so they were none the wiser.

Grimsknee · 03/08/2023 14:20

Absolutely vile. He is probably lying , but even if he's not, men who think they should be commended for not having sex with a girl who's under 16 (🤮) are every bit as vile as men who think it's ok to have sex with a girl who's under 16.

PerspiringElizabeth · 03/08/2023 14:20

OrchidOrchard · 03/08/2023 12:40

@IamSaved she says in her OP that it makes her sick? Did you read the OP? His behaviour at 19 is the point of her posting!

Right 😄 the comprehension in this site is abysmal, to the point it’s not even worth starting a thread.

VivaDixie · 03/08/2023 14:21

DS is 14 and I am trying [not] to imagine his 14yo female friends with a 19 year old.

I think you are right to be concerned, and they weren't 'different times' way back in 2014 Hmm

Lovemusic33 · 03/08/2023 14:27

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

Same, lots of my friends dated 18/19 year olds when we were 14/15. I’m not sure I like the idea of it now seeing as I have teens of similar ages 😬. I think boys mature a lot slower than girls which is maybe why it often happens? You rarely heard of 14 year old boys dating 19 year old girls.

longwayoff · 03/08/2023 14:32

Many years ago a work colleague told me the story of how her father met her mother. I think he was about 15 years older than her. He noticed her when she was walking from convent school orphanage to church, accompanied by other girls and nuns of course. He went to see Mother Superior and asked for the hand.of the orphaned child. Certainly sir why not? This was in the 1950s and not in UK. A successful marriage apparently. Their daughter thought this was deeply romantic. Her own daughter was appalled. The 2 opposing views caused a great family argument. Times change and so do standards of acceptable behaviour.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 14:36

Grimsknee · 03/08/2023 14:20

Absolutely vile. He is probably lying , but even if he's not, men who think they should be commended for not having sex with a girl who's under 16 (🤮) are every bit as vile as men who think it's ok to have sex with a girl who's under 16.

Yeah the fact they're waiting for her to be legal, grim.

HerMammy · 03/08/2023 14:36

My DD18, says any of her male friends saying he's dating a 13/14 yr old would be told he's a paedo.
Not acceptable in their peer group in any shape or form.
The PPs saying 'oh it's fine, I did it' doenst make it right.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 14:37

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

Sorry but it's disgusting. We all used to think the same when it happened a few times at my school.

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:42

millymollymoomoo · 03/08/2023 13:22

I dated an 18/19 year old when I was 14, as did most of my friends. No grooming going on at all thank you

I agree - absolutely no grooming at all as far as I was concerned, or my friends who were going out with boys of a similar age to me. I think a previous poster was correct in mentioning that boys tend to mature later than girls and I was never interested in boys of my own age when I was in my teens because they were so immature.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:43

I'm surprised at the posters saying I did it, it was normal.

As a parent, I would have been deeply unhappy about my dd at 14 dating a 19yo man. Would people really be OK with their own daughters in that situation? Or do they not have daughters and view it differently because of that?

I don't have sons, but I imagine I would be very concerned if my 19yo son started dating a 14yo girl. That seems really weird to me and I would be wondering what was wrong with him while worrying about the child that he was exploiting.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:44

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:42

I agree - absolutely no grooming at all as far as I was concerned, or my friends who were going out with boys of a similar age to me. I think a previous poster was correct in mentioning that boys tend to mature later than girls and I was never interested in boys of my own age when I was in my teens because they were so immature.

Show quote history

Do you have daughters of your own, and would you be happy with them dating an adult man at that age? Frankly, I would be amazed if any parent was OK with that...

Intriguedbythis · 03/08/2023 14:44

I would run for the effing hills so fast that my shoes would catch fire.

HerMammy · 03/08/2023 14:44

Also, at 18/19 most young ppl are out to pubs and clubs, what's he doing with his wee gf? sex in the back of his corsa?
Very sad women justifying it here.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:48

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:42

I agree - absolutely no grooming at all as far as I was concerned, or my friends who were going out with boys of a similar age to me. I think a previous poster was correct in mentioning that boys tend to mature later than girls and I was never interested in boys of my own age when I was in my teens because they were so immature.

Show quote history

So these men were attractive to you because you perceived them as being more mature than the boys your age.

What do you think was attractive to them about you and your friends? Do you not even slightly question the motives of adult men wanting to hang out with children?

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:49

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:44

Do you have daughters of your own, and would you be happy with them dating an adult man at that age? Frankly, I would be amazed if any parent was OK with that...

Show quote history

Yes, I do have a daughter. Most of her boyfriends were a very similar age to her, so this didn't arise, but one was 18 when she was 15 and I didn't have a problem with her seeing him.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 03/08/2023 14:49

VivaDixie · 03/08/2023 14:21

DS is 14 and I am trying [not] to imagine his 14yo female friends with a 19 year old.

I think you are right to be concerned, and they weren't 'different times' way back in 2014 Hmm

Exactly what I was thinking. It was 9 years ago, not 50 and even then it's still disgusting.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:49

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:49

Yes, I do have a daughter. Most of her boyfriends were a very similar age to her, so this didn't arise, but one was 18 when she was 15 and I didn't have a problem with her seeing him.

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And if one had been 19 when she was 14?

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:51

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:48

So these men were attractive to you because you perceived them as being more mature than the boys your age.

What do you think was attractive to them about you and your friends? Do you not even slightly question the motives of adult men wanting to hang out with children?

Show quote history

As I said earlier, I lied about my age. I looked several years older than I was, and I think I was much more mature in my behaviour than my age, so boyfriends didnt know how old I was. There were two occasions when I can remember boyfriends finding out my age, and I got dumped quite swiftly 😂

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 14:51

Absolutely not.. I also wouldn't believe that nothing sexual happened until she was 16.
He is a pedophile who either groomed a 14 year child or had sex with a 14 year old child.
I lost my virginity at 16 to a man who was 32. Thought it very normal at the time, As an adult I look back and think it was disgusting.. and I was legal. It's still not right though.
I have a 13 year old step daughter.. if an 18 year old was calling himself her boyfriend I'd want to cut his balls off.
I'd bet money your boyfriend is giving you a watered down version of events, he sounds vile.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 14:54

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 14:51

As I said earlier, I lied about my age. I looked several years older than I was, and I think I was much more mature in my behaviour than my age, so boyfriends didnt know how old I was. There were two occasions when I can remember boyfriends finding out my age, and I got dumped quite swiftly 😂

Show quote history

Fair enough if they genuinely didn't know.

Text123 · 03/08/2023 14:55

My FIL was 20 when he met MIL who was 15. He thought she was 16 though. Anyway, they were together for decades, until she passed away at the age of 61.

I do find it odd that a 19 year old would date a 14 year old, but was she 14 years and 11 months, and maybe he was just 19 for eg?

Gnomegnomegnome · 03/08/2023 14:57

The fact that he lied about their ages means that he knew it was wrong and how it would be perceived.

What ages did he say they were and how did the truth come out?

I wouldn’t believe the whole ‘we waited’ nonsense. That’s a story for the police.