I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

[Mlt]

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19. He’s 28 now
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

How are @UnicornStarfish’s posts still standing??

@ToeToeToe23

*I don't agree with her been 14 as I wouldn't have done it then but at 16 then why not? They lasted 8 years it wasn't like he was just trying to use her.
*
If I'm being honest if my son (21) brought home a 16 year old I wouldn't be impressed. Although nothing I could really do as its legal but I wouldn't facilitate it by letting her stay over and what not like I do with his current girlfriend (20)

This girl wasn't 16 she was 14. Its illegal. If op was to instead of posting on Mumsnet email this to a police station I'd hope her partner would be investigated for grooming and rape. (A 14 year old can not consent to sex) It happened to a woman I know.. same story she was 15 he was 23. It took her becoming an adult to realise how wrong it was and because she had evidence (texts photos ect) she walked into a police station at 21 and explained how a man had sex with her at 15. He got sentenced to 6 years in prison.
Your situation is different.. it's not illegal.

Red. Flag.

Well he was certainly a bit of a weird one as a 19 year old, wasn't he? The very best interpretation you could put on it was that he had some sort of delay to his maturity; but as PP have said, it could be a great deal more sinister.
You've been with him a year, what do you think? He he still strange? Controlling? Extremely immature?

I was 16 when I met my now husband and DF to our two children, he was 25. That was 13 years ago. My parents were hesitant at first but realised soon after that we were serious.

A bit shady but at least you were over the age of consent.

I don't agree with her been 14 as I wouldn't have done it then but at 16 then why not?

She was 14 though. Pervy for an adult to go out with a child, whether they had sex while she was underage or not (they might well have done.)

Again, it doesn't really matter how serious he was or how committed he was/is to the relationship. A 25 year old having a sexual interest in a 16 year old is really concerning. Yes they can consent to sex but

I'm sorry that it just be hard to hear as it's your relationship but it's gross.

It happened to me and I'd say the man in question, rather than being predatory, was just deeply inadequate and unable to attract a woman. I don't think he was calculated, but in retrospect I shudder. I probably bought into the idea that I was so much more mature and grown up than boys my age but I wish now that my first experiences had been with a sweet boy at my level rather than trying to navigate a much more adult situation than I was really prepared for. I wish I'd given myself longer to be a child. You don't get that time back. I regret it always now, 25 years later.

I feel the same way.

The fact he lied about this at 28 probably
shows that now he is older, he views their age gap differently than his 19 year old self did. Perhaps he was extremely immature at 19 , some teens that age have never had a girlfriend and perhaps he was one of them. This also still happens now, a lot of the girls my sons age (15) have older boyfriends of 18,19. If I had a 14 year old daughter I wouldn’t allow it - teenage pregnancy is much more likely when teen girls have older boyfriends.

It really doesn't matter as to why a 19 year old might be in a relationship with a 14 year old. It makes him a sex offender.
Hopefully he does realise now that what he did at 19 was wrong. Not much sympathy.
I hope the woman who was at best was groomed but probably raped is receiving support.

This really really is not ok. A grown man who can drive, drink alcohol, go to clubs and go on holidays...why would he want to date a school child in year 9?
My daughter is going into Y9, and I swear if she suggested a 19 year old man had messaged her I'd report him to the Police for being a massive paedophile. I don't understand how people think this is ok. What does a grown man have in common with a school girl who has a curfew and homework and probably dance class? They have nothing in common and why can't he get a girlfriend his own age?

Firstly your crazy if you believe the blatant lie about waiting until she is 16!!

secondly I find it categorically disgusting, how can someone almost 20 years old knowingly seek out a relationship with a 14 year old CHILD

Dance class? I think that was probably the last thing on my mind at that age 😂😂 My homework didn't suffer any more or less because I had older boyfriends, and I still had time to do what was necessary to get 9 high grade O Levels. As I've said in previous posts, I looked and acted considerably older than my age, and boyfriends never knew my real age until I was 16, apart from a couple who did find out and dumped me. I was going to pubs from around 14, as did many of my friends, and I had plenty in common with most of the boys I went out with - whereas I found that I had nothing whatsoever in common with boys of my own age when I was in my teens, and the only experiences I had with them were really very negative.

It was generally me who did the chasing before I started going out with someone new, and I really don't think former boyfriends can be blamed for not realising my real age given my appearance and demeanour. I always knew exactly what I was doing in my teens, and no-one ever took advantage of me or coerced me into doing anything that I didn't want to do. I have no regrets about my teenage years and would do nothing different if I had my time again. I know other people think that they are completely different in adulthood to how they were in their teens, but I can honestly say that I am very much the same person at 65 as I was at 15 - I still have the same values, beliefs, political views, musical tastes, aspirations, and general outlook on life, although I'm somewhat larger and less healthy than I was then! I wasn't quite 18 when I met my husband, who was 21 at the time (who would no doubt be seen as another paedophile by some of the people on this thread), and I had been working for 18 months by then. We got our first flat together three months later, got married and took out our first mortgage two years later, and have now been married for almost 44 years.

@Growlybear83 An 18 year old and a 21 year old is completely different so no your husband isn't a pedophile.
Adults that had sex with you whilst knowing you were a child most definitely are.. even if from your perspective they did nothing wrong. There is an age of consent for a reason.
Ops partners ex didn't lie about her age he chose to engage in a relationship with a CHILD. I don't get why it's so hard for you to wrap your head around this.. and what's with the scoffing at the idea that a 14 year old girl thoughts should be on homework and dance classes??
My step daughter is in year 9 and her conversations with us revolve around dance/mock exams and the Kardashian's.
The only interaction that I'm aware of involving boys was about kissing once she has her braces fitted. (The boy she's got a crush on is also 14.. Thank god!)
If she come to me about a 19 year old who let's face facts was grooming and sexually assaulting a CHILD I would go straight to the police. The police im guessing on hearing a man has been sleeping with a child would give zero fucks about how said 14 year old looked/acted/maturity level. It's black and white.. he is a sex offender.
As a woman I find it pretty shocking that you condone this disgusting behaviour.. Starting to think that your actually a man who's looking for responses that condone the fact that he has had relationships with children??

@Mlt If it's any consolation to you I had a boyfriend who was 18 when I was her age and we waited until I was 16 before dtd. There was no pressure from him. So it may be true what he says.

Holdupholdup - as I've said repeatedly, none of the boyfriends I had in my early teens knew my real age and none of them had sex with me knowing I was under the age of consent. I don't know how many times I have to say that. Maybe some 14 year olds today might be interested in dance classes and homework but that wasn't the case with my circle of friends, or with my daughter's friends many years later. And I actually would have been very disappointed if she had shown any interest in so called celebrities like the kardashians 😆😆

I think it's incredibly naive to think that a significant proportion of 14 year olds aren't sexually active nowadays - it's just that they generally have sex with boys of their own age nowadays. A large number of girls in my daughter's year were sleeping with boys and not necessarily as part of a proper relationship. I've also worked with several secondary schools over the last 20 years and am aware of how common this is from an early age.

like everyone else on this thread, I don't know if the OP's boyfriend is being truthful in saying that he didn't sleep with his previous girlfriend until she was 16. If this is true then no, I don't have a problem with it if the girl entered into the relationship of her own free will. Not everyone, whatever the age, jumps into bed with a boyfriend/girlfriend straightaway and it doesn't seem particularly far fetched to me thst they did wait until it was legal.

Might be hilarious to you but my almost 14 is interested in her dance exams, trampoline competition, going out with her friends and having sleepovers.
18 and 21 is totally different to 14 and 19. I'm glad you feel you were so worldly wise when you were a child... maybe you should have given adult men the choice about whether they were going out with a 14 year old kid though

Maybe some 14 year olds today might be interested in dance classes and homework but that wasn't the case with my circle of friends, or with my daughter's friends many years later. And I actually would have been very disappointed if she had shown any interest in so called celebrities like the kardashians 😆😆

@Growlybear83 .. Yeah I'm naive. Silly me.
And yeah I'm really disappointed that my teen stepdaughter is more concerned with dance and the Kardashian's. I wish we were all as cool as you.🙄

@Growlybear83 I was 14 and took a job in a hotel during school holidays and at weekends and my schoolfriends who worked there too were the same as what you describe. I went out with the handsome young chef of 19 who we all fancied, and it didn't cross either of our minds that it was wrong or he was some kind of predator. In fact we even got engaged when I was 16 until I broke it off, to his great distress at the time. He later went on to marry someone near his age. He definitely wasn't pervy or I was being groomed and I'm much, much older now and can look back at those times and him with affection, shocking as that might be to the majority here

I've also worked in secondary schools over the past twenty years and lots of fourteen year old girls are definitely interested in dance class, studying and reality tv celebrities. There is a real shift in attitudes towards alcohol in the younger generation too, they are much less likely to drink than we were. Working with young people really makes me realise how much of a child I was when I thought I was so mature and grown up.

Extremely inaccurate! You're giving examples of girls dating men old enough to be their fathers, almost.

There's a world of difference between 2 teenagers in a relationship, and a 16-year-old with a man twice her age.

Also, the term pedophile is about people who are sexually attracted to children: to juveniles, to pre-pubescent people. Teenagers are not children ...

The 19-year-olds that I knew at 14 or 15 were mostly "men" who didn't need to shave every day. They liked cars, loud music, and girls. My friends and I met them at places like youth group at church, basketball games, the skating rink. They were only a year out of high school themselves.

Just because we dated doesn't mean there was sex involved. At 14, or 16, or even 17, not all young people are having sex. I was 19 and got married before that happened. And why must it be pubs and sex, or being groomed for sex? At that age we went to movies, drove around town and hung out with other teenagers in parking lots. We watched TV at home with either family. Went bowling or to concerts or ball games. Church. Parties. Pizza Hut and Dairy Queen. Not pubs.

To compare that with pedophilia, with someone being groomed for sex, is ridiculous and insulting to those of us who started dating at 14 or 15. A 30-year-old with a 15-year-old in NO way equates to teenagers with a five year age gap.

Would I have wanted my girls to date someone 5 years older? Probably not, but it wouldn't have been sleazy or disgusting, either.

Get your mind out of the gutter!

@beenwhereyouare

Brilliant 👏👏. Thank you and exactly my experience although you put it so much more eloquently

@beenwhereyouare It's against the law for a 19 year to have sex with a 14 old. At 14 I hadn't been through puberty and looked very much like a child. According to some people on this thread they looked 25 at 14 (doubtful but if it makes you feel better)
Think what you like.. I'll do the same. It's disgusting and he's a sex offender.

He lied to you. Leave him.