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Original poster

I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19!

181 replies

Mlt · 03/08/2023 10:47

So, I’ve just found out my partner got with his ex when she was 14 and he was 19. He’s 28 now
he says they did nothing at all until she turned 16 but I’m finding that hard to believe, we’ve been together for quite a while now and I’ve just found this out they’ve got a kid together they were together about 8 years and the kids 2 but it’s concerned me I can’t stop thinking about it. What would you all do? He’s such a lovely man so good to me but I can’t get over this. I’ve asked him about it and he did lie about his age at first then told me the truth and it makes me sick! Tia x

OP posts:
SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:49

Back in the times a lot on here are talking about, the school paving age for non grammar pupils was 14 so back then a 14 year old might already be working and mixing with older men as standard.

Not saying it’s right but it was different times and not comparable to today.

Dombasle · 03/08/2023 15:49

You got with a man who has a one year old child?! Is that right?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:50

ASGIRC · 03/08/2023 15:44

Same! Pretty standard in my circle... Dating older was a massive status boost as well!
I wasnt groomed by anyone...

I find it really weird how against age gaps some people are!

Show quote history

You have misunderstood. It isn't about age gaps. It's about life stages.

My DH is 7 years older than me, but we were both fully grown adults when we met.

The issue here isn't the age gap. It is the fact that adult men are grooming children. I can't believe that people see no problem with this.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:51

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:49

Back in the times a lot on here are talking about, the school paving age for non grammar pupils was 14 so back then a 14 year old might already be working and mixing with older men as standard.

Not saying it’s right but it was different times and not comparable to today.

The school leaving age was 14 in 2014? No it wasn't!!!

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 03/08/2023 15:52

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:49

Back in the times a lot on here are talking about, the school paving age for non grammar pupils was 14 so back then a 14 year old might already be working and mixing with older men as standard.

Not saying it’s right but it was different times and not comparable to today.

The OP is talking about 2014...

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:52

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:51

The school leaving age was 14 in 2014? No it wasn't!!!

Show quote history

I didn’t say that did I. Back on the times people on here are talking about - those who say ‘well my parents we that age and still together 76 years later’

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:53

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 03/08/2023 15:52

The OP is talking about 2014...

Show quote history

I wasn’t referring to the OP

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 15:53

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:49

Back in the times a lot on here are talking about, the school paving age for non grammar pupils was 14 so back then a 14 year old might already be working and mixing with older men as standard.

Not saying it’s right but it was different times and not comparable to today.

I think the school leaving age was raised to 16 in 1972, I remember being very cross that I had to stay until 16 when I left in 1974. I think it had been at 15 before then since the 1940s

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:55

Growlybear83 · 03/08/2023 15:53

I think the school leaving age was raised to 16 in 1972, I remember being very cross that I had to stay until 16 when I left in 1974. I think it had been at 15 before then since the 1940s

Show quote history

My mum left school at 14 in 1958. She was at a Secondary Modern whereas my dad at grammar left at 15

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 15:55

SamW98 · 03/08/2023 15:52

I didn’t say that did I. Back on the times people on here are talking about - those who say ‘well my parents we that age and still together 76 years later’

Show quote history

OK, but the whole thread is about what happened in 2014 so what happened a billion years ago with people's grandparents is hardly relevant.

I knew it was exploitative back in the 1980s, so it's hardly a uniquely modern way of looking at the situation.

scrivette · 03/08/2023 16:01

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I did mean to add that I absolutely would not be impressed if my niece who is 15 now was dating someone this much older so it's rather hypocritical of me.

She does seem much younger than I was at this age, I don't know if previous generations grew up faster than now or if I am naive to how she is.

GoldDuster · 03/08/2023 16:04

A 19 year old man who wants to be in a relationship with a 14 year old girl needs his motivations examined, I don't care what year it is.

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 16:08

@ASGIRC

My mistake.. according to google this man would have Hebophillia not pedophillia. Presuming the victim had gone through puberty. (Not all 14 year olds have and are therefore not full of raging hormones.) I was nearly 16 before I started my periods or needed a bra so at 14 was very much still a child.
Regardless of titles though this man has shown he had no concern for the age of consent. Even if I could stretch my imagination enough to believe he spent 2 years waiting for her 16th birthday he still groomed an underage girl. It's disgusting and if it were my teenage daughter I'd want him locked up.
Also aware he probably wouldn't be.. conviction rates for sexual crimes in this country are at an all low. Another reason why people should call out this behaviour and not make excuses for it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 16:17

scrivette · 03/08/2023 16:01

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I did mean to add that I absolutely would not be impressed if my niece who is 15 now was dating someone this much older so it's rather hypocritical of me.

She does seem much younger than I was at this age, I don't know if previous generations grew up faster than now or if I am naive to how she is.

Fair enough. I would honestly be surprised if any adult now thought it was OK for a 15yo to be dating a 21yo.

However, I am not convinced that previous generations necessarily grew up quicker. I was still very much a child as a 15yo in the 1980s and so were most of my peers. We thought the 20yo dating our 15yo friend was really "pervy" even back then...

Janieforever · 03/08/2023 16:18

This has gone a bit “back in the day when we sent kids up the chimneys” did them no harm bollocks.

it is not acceptable for a 19 year old man to date a 14 year old girl. And to then proceed to have a sexual relationship with her, either when she was under age, or to groom her and wait till she was 16.

anyone trying to excuse it needs to have a think about their stance. I know of no 19/20 year old lad who would openly admit to want to or actually date a 14 year old girl.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 16:20

Janieforever · 03/08/2023 16:18

This has gone a bit “back in the day when we sent kids up the chimneys” did them no harm bollocks.

it is not acceptable for a 19 year old man to date a 14 year old girl. And to then proceed to have a sexual relationship with her, either when she was under age, or to groom her and wait till she was 16.

anyone trying to excuse it needs to have a think about their stance. I know of no 19/20 year old lad who would openly admit to want to or actually date a 14 year old girl.

Agreed.

And as a pp said, any 19yo man trying to date a 14yo girl now would face a huge amount of judgement and criticism from his peers. Most young adults don't think it's OK to date children.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 16:23

@anon1888 "People say 'different times'...you're either attracted to people barely out of puberty or you're not."
*
Exactly. Hate the different times line.. men who were and are attracted to very young women are messed up.*

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 16:29

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 16:23

@anon1888 "People say 'different times'...you're either attracted to people barely out of puberty or you're not."
*
Exactly. Hate the different times line.. men who were and are attracted to very young women are messed up.*

Yep, they just got away with it before. Now they have to lie about it because they know it's wrong and people won't put up with it anymore.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/08/2023 16:30

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 16:23

@anon1888 "People say 'different times'...you're either attracted to people barely out of puberty or you're not."
*
Exactly. Hate the different times line.. men who were and are attracted to very young women are messed up.*

It's a bit like saying it was common back in the day for powerful men like Harvey Weinstein to exploit young women who were trying to establish themselves in their careers. Or that it was common for male bosses to harass their female secretaries. Or that it was common for landlords to refuse to let their properties to black tenants.

I'm sure that all things happened quite a lot in the past, but that absolutely doesn't mean that they were right, even back then. Quite the contrary.

StephanieSuperpowers · 03/08/2023 16:33

scrivette · 03/08/2023 16:01

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I did mean to add that I absolutely would not be impressed if my niece who is 15 now was dating someone this much older so it's rather hypocritical of me.

She does seem much younger than I was at this age, I don't know if previous generations grew up faster than now or if I am naive to how she is.

Or how you were.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 16:38

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves @anon1888 Exactly.. I'm sure people were shocked at it back then but just accepted that's how it was. Thank god times have changed and these things are seen as inappropriate now, people speak up about it, laws in place. I bet there are many men who wish the old times were still here.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 03/08/2023 16:41

You don't even have to be under the age of consent to be groomed, just vulnerable. I was groomed at 18 by a 21 year old, and would never date anyone older than me again. I'm regularly shocked by my schoolfriends 14 year old daughters now, plastered on facebook in makeup and revealing outfits, very much looking they'd pass for 18. I can't imagine it was too much different in 2014, Teen girls act and dress older than they are, and can very much look late teens when theyre not, especially with average breast size being bigger than ever, and how common makeup is from early teens.

It all depends on if their relationship was in any way manipulative, did he pressure her for sexual stuff, or was it a mutually respectful relationship? Can you talk to her and get her view of things if youre on the fence, to help you make the decision? If she thinks he's a decent man, treated her right and didn't feel groomed by him, maybe your relationship is salvageable. If she hates him, feels he took advantage and she was groomed by him, there your answer and run for the hills.

holdupholdup · 03/08/2023 16:42

Perhaps ops is better off walking into a police station and asking an officer if it's save to date a man who has an adult had a relationship with a CHILD. You'll hopefully get better advice then some of the answers on this thread.

BeagleMum1 · 03/08/2023 18:15

Ugh, get rid of this creep.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 03/08/2023 19:54

I'm sorry but my first thought is that he's attracted to minors. I mean he obviously was when he was 19! I can’t see how that tendency could've just 'gone away'

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