Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

[Batima]

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

This isn’t a partnership, it’s a house share. The point of getting married is to become a family, money should be family money

Not fair at all. Do you have documented evidence of your contribution to the deposit?
Are you joint tenants or tenants in common? Do you own 50:50?

I couldn't marry a man like that.
My husband took better care of us when we were young parents at just 18.
The financial divide is completely unreasonable. I think you should see a lawyer and get something put in place to protect you.

If he earns 4 times more he should be paying 3/4 and you a 1/4. Hope you ring fenced your deposit share. 50/50 on meals out seriously 😳. Imagine when/if you have children what will be % split be then. However, does he know if you split savings are put in the pot for division of assets.

Well he would think its totally fair wouldn't he?. He is wrong and you're being financially abused here by him.

Why are holidays and meals out being split 50-50?. How does that work out?. Badly for you I expect.

re your comment:
"He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month."

Not at all surprised to read that about a joint account sadly; he does not want you to know how much there is. He does not want to share and has no intention of sharing money with you. He would rather keep it all to himself; he regards his money as his and his alone. And he is further wanting to demean you by you having to ask/beg for more money if you fall short. This is NOT a marriage you want to remain and and do not have any children by him either. He'll be just as mean and controlling re them too.

Can you get a better-paid job?

Do you have DC? I think that makes a big difference.

We have separate finances and savings. I’m the wealthier higher earner in our marriage. My view on it has always been that if DH would like to have more money then he’s perfectly capable of earning that for himself. As it is, he’s chosen to rest on his laurels a bit and only do work that he feels passionate about, whereas I haven’t. I cover the majority of the bills and our social life, but my savings and investments are mine.

I’d feel differently if we had DC and his lower earning capacity was due to being a SAHD or whatever, but otherwise I generally think two able bodied adults have agency for their own finances.

OP for context, your income disparity is similar to mine and my DP (I am the higher earner). After all bills, expenses and savings, we both keep the same amount of spare money each month to do what we want with. Our money is family money. Your set up is definitely wrong and unfair. At the very worst, all your costs should be shared 3/4 to 1/4, although I personally still think that’s shit once married.

In the early days with my now XH, when we considered doing a 50:50 split, I made it clear that was fine with me, but we would be living on my budget. So holidays and meals out would be at my comfort level. Our housing would be what I could afford. I refused to stretch myself thin and not have adequate savings. He quickly decided his proposed split was a bad idea and we pooled our money. (It worked out well for him because I quickly rose through the ranks and was out earning him by leaps and bounds not long after, but that is a different story)

if you have children, this setup is even more egregious because you are likely doing more child care and taking a career and salary hit even if he claims to be doing his fair share.

Up to him what he does with his money. He doesnt choose to share it all with you. You are still better off financially than if you lived on your own.

I wouldn't be in a marriage like yours. There is no my money or your money. Your husband is making it crystal clear how he feels about you, imo.

I’m also in favour of separate finances. We have a joint account for household bills - I pay in more because I earn more. We also have a joint savings account which we contribute to equally. I have my own savings. Whilst I am happy to pay more into the ‘pot’ for joint expenses, I don’t believe that I should be subsidising a partner or spouse to the extent that they have the same disposable income as me.

You are currently paying 66% of your income on household expenditure and he is paying 31%, that is not a fair spilt.

If you paid a total of £800 per month and he paid £3200 you would be spending 40% of your income on household expenditure and he would be spending 37% of his which is fairer and would give you the opportunity to save.

The idea that you spilt holidays and meals 50:50 with that kind of income disparity is ridiculous.

I hope you have protected your share of the deposit if you paid more because this man is selfish and tight and will not hesitate to help himself to 50% in the event that you split up.

If you don't have children then I would haven't any with him.

You both need to pay for your contributions to joint expenses proportionate to your incomes - and this includes days/meals out and holidays. You are contributing a greater proportion of your income to the household - meaning he's getting quite a big free ride, hence why he has so much savings compared to you. You're subsidising him.

Your income is less than 1/4 of his, so you should be paying just under 1/4 and he should be paying just over 3/4 of all expenses. And given he has significantly more income than the average person, I'd also be expecting him to contribute more to big expenses, topping up both your pensions, those sorts of things, because he can.

It's slightly different as my dh is company director, so he doesn't draw a 'salary' in the sense that he has a regular monthly income that is the same every month, but on average, he makes a 2-3x more than I do. I pay 1/3 and he pays 2/3 of the total funds into our joint account, but he also doesn't use as much of his leftover disposable income as I do, he also pays the big expenses - council tax, deposit for the family car, the bulk of big house projects, bought the lawnmower, etc.

he should be paying 80%, not 2/3. It should be in line with earnings.

All money should be shared. My husband owns eight times what I do… Or money is shared. There is no my money or his money.

Hope you’re not planning on having children with this man if you haven’t already!

Owns = earns

Everything should be totally shared, or, if you have to split it, DH should be paying 80%, you 20% - so in proportion with earnings.

Please, please think things through very carefully before having any kids. Because if you end up paying the same rate through maternity leave, and then all the childcare, you will be in a very precarious position.

I find people like your DH very unattractive. I like generous men, and women. I’ve earned more than DH, he’s earned more than me, I’m just about to get a big bonus, it all goes into a shared pot.
You can’t have the same lifestyle as someone on his money, if he keeps it.
Is he on nicer holidays ? Does he have better clothes and food?

Virtually every week a similar thread on here, it’s so depressing. What is the point of being married, sharing your life with someone if one partner sees nothing wrong with the other suffering financially. It makes a mockery of the commitment you have made to each other. in your case it’s even worse as the 2/3 1/3 split is not accurate given your respective earnings - should be 1/4 3/4 and the 50/50 split on holidays is ludicrous.
I could not and would entertain this kind of relationship.
i have been married for over 30 years and all our money is shared money (that includes savings, making additional payments into my pension, personal expenses etc) regardless of who ‘earned’ the money.

If you divorce he will quickly find out that the vow "whatever I have a I give to you" is legally binding and that 'his' savings are a marital asset.

It's a really tough one to fix - objectively unfair, a gulf in beliefs and understanding and probably reflecting something off about control within the marriage. Nasty.

Of course!! Why doesn't the OP just pop out and get herself an £8k a month job?

very unfair. Let those that have the brains for Mary’s work out the percentage but you’re paying more than half your income on mortgage and bills and he’s paying less that half. And you go 50-50 on stuff?!?! Wow! Is this a marriage or a business?
Nah…I’ll be looking to renegotiate otherwise it’s totally unfair and you’re probably better off on your own. It’s a selfish move on his path.

How do you split things in other aspects of life? Housework, childcare (if you have kids) etc. does he pull his weight while you are doing 50/50 on finances?