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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 02/08/2023 16:23

You have a joint income of 10.5k. All expenses come out of that first, then a pot goes to savings or investments, then you divide the spending money equally between you.

kikigen · 02/08/2023 16:25

Your savings really aren't the issue here....

DappledThings · 02/08/2023 17:10

Don't have any my money or his money. Everything goes to joint current and joint savings.

Can't imagine it being any different.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/08/2023 17:16

On this income you should get around £600 each to spend on what you wish- remainder into joint account for bills and mortgage and anything left over at end of each month gets transferred into joint savings account

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 02/08/2023 17:17

If your deposit is not already protected then he should pay back the extra you paid so that you are back to a 50:50 split on the house.

crossstitchingnana · 02/08/2023 17:20

CottagePieLaLaLa · 02/08/2023 15:20

Can you get a better-paid job?

Oh do one!!

gogomoto · 02/08/2023 17:24

That's why throughout my marriage we had a joint account. My ex didn't (still doesn't) do money things so he earned it, I looked after itGrin. He was bemused when we split that we had money, he just never looked. I'm still helping him now as he really doesn't get money related things despite being the cleverest person I know on paper

nalabae · 02/08/2023 17:25

Is this your husband or your house mate you sometimes have sex with? Because it sounds like the latter

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 17:26

Im going to guess that because he earns more he also thinks this buys him the luxury of doing less chores because he is more "important"

The two traits tend to go hand in hand, are equally unattrative and make for equally bad parenting relationships if you choose to have children with him

StuntNun · 02/08/2023 17:34

I can't see any way that this is fair and not financial abuse. If he earns more than four times what you earn then the very minimum fairness would be to split all the bills 80/20. Even then, that only works if both partners end up with similar quality of life. It's no good if one can afford, e.g. holidays and gym subscriptions and the other is always broke and can't afford anything.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 17:36

Would be a dealbreaker for me.

Babyroobs · 02/08/2023 17:39

We have separate accounts and dh has a lot more savings than me but it was inheritance from his parents so I think maybe it is different. I sometimes think it's crazy and say to him that if he died suddenly I would have to put his funeral on a credit card !

GingerIsBest · 02/08/2023 17:45

This thread, and so many like it I've seen over the years, is so sad.

OP, I would consider this financial abuse. You don't have access to family money and in fact, are short because your DH, who has more disposable income than most people have even after they've met all their financial obligations, has decided to screw you over.

Do you have DC? I bet you are their primary caregiver if so? Ditto, do you do all the household tasks and chores?

I could not live like this. And I'd be livid that having paid more into the deposit, should you divorce, the starting point is that he'll have half the house. What about hobbies and other tings? Are you driving some old banger while he's got a brand new BMW? Do you buy second hand clothes while he's wearing designer stuff? Argh, so unattractive.

I think you need to be having some very serious conversations and thinking about what you can do to protect yourself. Hell, if nothing else, tell him you ARE short every month and take the money he give you and saves it.

Ladybug14 · 02/08/2023 17:50

My view is that you are being abused by a very unpleasant man

TheIsleOfTheLost · 02/08/2023 17:56

So you earn 1/5 of the money and pay 1/3 of the joint outgoings? We're your salaries closer when you made this arrangement? I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to do more expensive things than your budget allows too? Then it is probably your fault for running out of money, you really should be more careful. Nothing about this situation is right and you know it. I sincerely hope your money in the house is protected and it's not all in his name for some reason.

Georgyporky · 02/08/2023 17:58

To start with, he should be paying 80% of ALL expenses, OP 20%.

Sort that out before discussing savings.

Pootle40 · 02/08/2023 17:58

Very weird. If that was our house - we'd have the majority all out in joint accounts (current and saving) and keep a small amount for spending in our own ie £500 each using that income for hair, beauty, personal purchases.

WantingToEducate · 02/08/2023 17:59

This is horrifying.

My husband earns over double what I do but everything goes into a joint pot. There is no “his money” and “my money”.

He would never see me have less just because I don’t earn as much as him.

Original poster
Batima · 02/08/2023 18:02

Thanks all. It's reassuring to hear that many others think money should be shared in a marriage.

We don't have any kids, but he's keen that we try soon.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

I am not short of money and can afford what I need, and I live in a nice house - so it's not about having more money to spend, it's just that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it because it feels unfair.

We don't yet have a car. The other day we were discussing buying one, and I said that I'd assumed that we would jointly agree on big purchases like a car. But he said no - if he wants to go out and buy a fancy 20K car with with his own money, he can without my 'permission' - as long as he has paid his share of the bills and mortgage. He said he would ask my opinion though.

OP posts:
Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 18:03

I don’t believe that I should be subsidising a partner or spouse to the extent that they have the same disposable income as me.

I can only assume people who think this either wrote their own vows or left out the "for richer for poorer" part of their wedding vows?

Because otherwise what's the point of making a vow if you fully intend on breaking it if it doesn't go your way?

I can only assume they don't expect to be looked after, and potentially financially supported by their spouse if the "in sickness" part of the vows kick in.

Rainiestsummer · 02/08/2023 18:05

He's your husband. You're being a mug/he's treating you like one. Don't have dc with this selfish man.

Calmdown14 · 02/08/2023 18:06

I do separate finances and have most of our savings in my name. But my husband knows exactly how much is in there and it is viewed as ours, it's more that I enjoy the hunt for best interest rates etc and he doesn't!

Doesn't sound like this is the case which is a red flag. I'd also have thought that with such a large amount going in and him being a higher rate tax payer it would be more tax efficient to have some in your name.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 18:06

Batima · 02/08/2023 18:02

Thanks all. It's reassuring to hear that many others think money should be shared in a marriage.

We don't have any kids, but he's keen that we try soon.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

I am not short of money and can afford what I need, and I live in a nice house - so it's not about having more money to spend, it's just that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it because it feels unfair.

We don't yet have a car. The other day we were discussing buying one, and I said that I'd assumed that we would jointly agree on big purchases like a car. But he said no - if he wants to go out and buy a fancy 20K car with with his own money, he can without my 'permission' - as long as he has paid his share of the bills and mortgage. He said he would ask my opinion though.

Really, really, really re-think choosing him to sire your offspring.

Or you'll be back in a couple of years with a worse tale of woe.

WomanHereHear · 02/08/2023 18:08

What made you want to put more in the deposit? For someone who earns so much surely he would have done so. In recent months I have read quite a few posts on here by women married to wealthy men who have coughed up more for the house deposit and then in the same situation that you find yourself in. Situations sound almost identical. Have you posted before? as that previous poster would keep starting new threads about this. Is your husband the Catholic lawyer? actually that previous poster was about to pay a lot of the deposit and everyone told her not to, but i’m not sure what she did in the end so I’m hoping it’s not you!

Did you feel you had to prove you weren’t a gold digger by paying more? Because he is always going to make you feel like that when you talk about money to keep you under control. You would be in a better financial position if you divorced! I hope you have evidence that you contributed to it. If you are the previous poster then you are a lost cause if I’m honest as the replies were unanimously telling you not to part with your money.

TedMullins · 02/08/2023 18:10

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/08/2023 15:21

Do you have DC? I think that makes a big difference.

We have separate finances and savings. I’m the wealthier higher earner in our marriage. My view on it has always been that if DH would like to have more money then he’s perfectly capable of earning that for himself. As it is, he’s chosen to rest on his laurels a bit and only do work that he feels passionate about, whereas I haven’t. I cover the majority of the bills and our social life, but my savings and investments are mine.

I’d feel differently if we had DC and his lower earning capacity was due to being a SAHD or whatever, but otherwise I generally think two able bodied adults have agency for their own finances.

Yeah I agree with this. No kids but I earn at least double what my partner does. That’s because of his chosen career. We go 50/50 on holidays and meals out too. Sometimes I pay upfront if he can’t and he pays me back. My savings are my own and his are his own. My parents however don’t have a pot to piss in while his are millionaires so he’s in line for a massive inheritance. I don’t expect any of that to be split 50/50 with me.