Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

[Batima]

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

@Weedoormatnomore I'm sorry that I haven't answered your question yet. I had been thinking about how to answer it, but it's a hard one to answer and to write out. A lot of the time I am unhappy and anxious about the relationship. But we have good moments when we're not talking about anything we disagree about.

We had discussed things before and he'd reassured me everything would be fine and that he wanted to share. In his view, sharing is what he's doing (because he's covering 75% of the mortgage).

Sorry to hear that is your answer definitely sounds like you need to get out. Everyones relationship is different how they do things re finance kids etc but no marriage should make you feel unhappy and anxious especially now when it's just the two of you!

It's really not worth it for a few fleeting good moments.

I kept hoping for change and giving mine the benefit of the doubt. I was stupid! None of my good memories from when i was married to Ex feature him - as well as everything else he was a fun sponge...

He should be paying 3/4 of everything including meals out and holidays.

Several people mentioned if he makes 4 times than you then you should pay 1/4. It actually means you should pay 1/5.

if you make 2 and he makes 8 then the total is 10.

2/10 = 1/5.

so paying 1/3 of mortgage and 1/2 of other bills is massively unfair.

We had discussed things before and he'd reassured me everything would be fine and that he wanted to share. In his view, sharing is what he's doing (because he's covering 75% of the mortgage).

Some people are very tricky and will be deliberately vague so it’s a good idea to get specific agreements of how things will work in practice before marriage rather than a loose promise to “share”. Obvs too late for OP but just a general thing for people to consider.

I honestly don’t understand men like this though because what are they even desperately holding onto these masses of money for? Are they planning to leave?

A lot of the time I am unhappy and anxious about the relationship. But we have good moments when we're not talking about anything we disagree about.

As soon as you have children, the amount of things you can potentially disagree about increases exponentially. Added to which the power-shift at a vulnerable time for a woman and it’s a shitshow. I’d hate you to end up there.

Maya Angelou said “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I don't think I have commented yet, have certainly read all your posts and been appalled that you have lost your entire savings pot to the house with no means of building up another one.

This is definite financial abuse. I would actually agree with a poster above to sell the house and get that £170 000 back. Your DH doesn't seem to be budging an inch on anything, I don't like the sound of him at all. And don't get me started on splitting holidays and meals out 50:50 when he earns so much more than you, that tells anyone all they need to know about him.

How long have you been married?
If not long you should get your deposit back, unless of course your dh is prepared to give you part of his pension fund as he earns so much.
He can't have it both ways.

You definitely need to take decisive action and see a good solicitor.

You definitely need to take decisive action and see a good solicitor

Which she has been urged to do since she started this thread...... 17 pages ago.

She won't. Which is sad, but horse, water, etc......

Am I right, @Batima ?

@Toomanylaughs you're right that some people - like my H - are deliberately vague. I should have pressed him on it back then.

Thanks everyone so much for sharing your experiences and for the support. It's really helped.

Sorry to be posting again. Tonight I asked him if we could do a stock-take of our finances - the reason I gave was so that we know where we are and can work out a way forward. I showed him my bank account on a screen, and asked if he could do the same (saying it would mean we have accurate figures - and it wasn't to look at any transactions, it was just to check the amount).

But he refused to get his bank account open on his screen. He said that me asking was similar to asking to read his phone.

I don't think asking him to show the amount a strange thing to ask? Or that it's like asking to read his phone?

@Batima

Im not trying to be an arsehole but what’s the point of posting? You have 17 pages of people telling you he’s abusive but you’re just ignoring it.

There is no way to improve your relationship. Either put up or get out because you can’t change him.

You have over 400 comments all saying roughly the same thing. I’m not sure what else you want us to say.

@Batima you know the answer to this. Every single answer by him to your questions is a red flag. You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave- it’s up to you. If you want an opinion, it is a straight LTB from me.

He isn’t hiding who he is, he’s actively telling you. So listen. And then leave.

Truly I struggle to get my head around relationships like this.
When we got married I earned nothing; my DH paid the deposit on our flat from an inheritance and he earned a salary. I was a student
Within 2 years I started earning (about twice what he had earned) and he went back to uni to do a post grad qualification.
Then we both earned and over the years I have consistently earned 3-4 times what he earns, sometimes a bit more, others a bit less.
Everything goes into one pot.
I could not live any other way. He earns more now than he ever has and I am planning to reduce my income in the next few years.
I couldn't marry someone selfish enough to keep "their money" and I couldn't be that person either.
Ironically you'd be better off if you were divorced (assuming you've been married a while).

Oh and if he earns 4x what you earn, he should be paying 4/5 of everything not 3/4.

@Batima
He clearly has solid boundaries about sharing his financial information . That you are willing to share your information does not speak to openness on your part but more to desperation. You did open your banking information up to him when you were working full-time and had a regular income. Openness did not seem to be an expectation then.

A reasonable solution would be for you to return to work full-time and for the 2 of you to split equally the cost of child care. It may be a bit of a struggle for a while but expenses and sacrifices come along with the decision to have children.

He is not being unreasonable. He has agreed to cover 75% of the mortgage and make a substantial deposit into your savings account.

Even though many posters like to bandy the term "financial abuse " around, you are not being abused financially and there is no Financial Management Bible or Best Practices Manual for managing money within a marriage. There is only that which the 2 of you mutually agree to do, and that which works best for the 2 of you.

If the situation is not working to your satisfaction, you are not compelled to stay in the marriage. To be honest, between your insistance on seeing his banking records and whatever his brother perhaps told him, he may very well think that you are considering divorce and he would be foolish to share that information if that is his belief.

You aren’t doing anything though? You’re just having the same pointless conversations with him where you try to reason with him and then you post back on here to ask if you’re being unreasonable. And then posters tell you he’s abusive. Rinse and repeat. I’m not being horrible I’m just telling you what im seeing from the outside. I don’t think you are doing anything to move forward, you’re just trying so hard to change him and reason with him because you don’t want to accept any of this, you have received really good advice from pp’s. I would save this thread and hopefully one day when you have had enough you will start following the advice at least at the minimum of seeing a solicitor about your deposit. Have you looked at doing this yet? hopefully you won’t leave it til it’s too late when you have kids and then you’ll feel trapped and you will wish you had left before.

Not fair at all. If you paid more for deposit I hope you protected it.

As you clearly haven’t bothered to even read the OP’s responses and understand their situation, your opinion should be treated with no weight.

@NoSquirrels
All free advice on an open forum should be considered worth what was paid for it.

The OP has said quite a bit, but it all boils down o them having no clear and concrete discussions prior to marriage or the decision to become a SAHP. She has realized that her resources are less than what she wants to have. That could hardly have come as a surprise because most companies and agencies are very specific about maternity wages and benefits. The OP made an agreement , knowingly and apparently willingly chose to put a certain amount of resources into a deposit on the family home. The husband in an apparent desire to keep this equal agreed to pay the lions share of the mortgage payments. All of these things happened prior to the maternity leave situation, and both were aware of the full shecircumstances when they reached whatever agreement regarding the application of her maternity leave income.

The people who a the OP that she is being financially abused should also consider advising the OP to consider that her situation may not substantially improve should she divorce her husband. We know nothing about the lifestyle that the husband contributes to;what we do know is that he has been put on alert and is likely to become even more protective of his financial information.

Could be wrong but I believe the op has been using what people say to give her confidence to argue the split ain't right. At the start it was him 2/3 her 1/3 on bills mortgage now it's him 3/4 mortgage(still not the 4/5 and 1/5) and he offered her £30k to put in her savings.
It is a hard decision to divorce someone especially when you know he will be a real dick about it!

@Mari9999 yeah but you haven’t even read the original post properly - OP works and is NOT a sahp.

She paid £170k ie the whole deposit for their home, her contribution to their monthly expenses is a higher proportion of their respective salaries. She now has no savings whilst he is able to build up significant savings. He is only able to do this because OP sank her in the house and pays more than her dues. Plus he won’t even show his bank statements.

The whole situation STINKS.

OP you sound very ambivalent about your marriage as a whole, and I would say you are under-reacting to a very unfair situation. You sound dejected rather than furious, and you have every reason to be furious.

@Mari9999 - @NoSquirrels is quite correct. You clearly have not read the full thread and therefore the OP needs to disregard your opinion / ‘advice’. She is not on mat leave. She is not pregnant. She is already working FT. There has been no discussion of divorce.

So in the face of that, on the contrary, with no children the OP may well not be in a worse position than before the marriage if she divorces - especially if the husband does the right thing and returns her original deposit (which he probably won’t) but she will be entitled to half of the equity and ironically, half of his savings. He cannot have it both ways.

This is not a group of pearl clutchers looking to create hysteria - it’s a group of largely female posters who either have had experience of this, or understand what the poster is trying to work through. And part of that advice is to not have children with this man whilst he will not share willingly within the marriage all that he has - unlike the OP who has. You need to look up the definition of financial abuse and control. This is a prime example of subtlety which we all suspect could get worse if children come along.

I completely disagree with these comments. I don’t know anyone who has this kind of (abusive) financial set up. Not family, friends or colleagues. No decent partner knowingly creates a situation where one half of the partnership is financially dependent on the other and without enough money to have the same quality of life as the other. It’s controlling and abusive.

Please don’t have kids with this man.