Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

[Batima]

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

Also should mention I don’t run things like cars,
watches etc by my wife either in a “permission seeking” point of view. We live a very comfortable life but if I want to buy myself a car, I will tell her about it but if she said no it would have no bearing on my decision whatsoever. She lives a life beyond what she could without my income, my portion of bill paying means she has plenty of her own spare money to buy things for herself and I would never ever dream of saying no to her spending her own money either.

I have a savings pot in my name that we use for holidays, house renovation etc I have no idea if she has savings or not but there’s no way I would consider handing over £ for her just to save to make herself feel better 😂

If it came to that I would help her find ways to boost her income, move up a career ladder etc.

Maybe it’s different for families that the income is more evenly split or that are closer to the breadline but in this instance it’s utterly ridiculous. None of my colleagues would do it any differently either.

In a nutshell.

You have made a huge mistake marrying him, don't compound it by ignore your gut and having children with him.

Sell the house, get your money backband run.

But the assets arent split 50/50, contribution wise. She said she'd put in a much higher deposit, and subsequently has limited savings. He doesn't seem to be paying that back to make it perfectly equal. But he is able to live in the house and benefit from it, while using his higher income to top up his own savings! Surely that's not right

At least your DH doesn't keep a spreadsheet for the bills that includes how much you owe him, like mine does. We have a similar income split and I pay 1/3 of the bills. I also have to pay down my debt to him every month. I still owe £200 for my share of our summer holiday. We also don't have any joint accounts. I send him my portion of the bills each month and we keep whatever is leftover for ourselves, but as he's a much higher earned his savings (which I don't have access to and don't really know how much he has) are much healthier than mine. Modern marriage eh?

Can you give me sound reasoning as to why?

I am not in any way a miser to my wife, we have a fantastic relationship, she never struggles, we evenly share household chores.

I built my success before we met, does getting married mean I suddenly have to lose half of what I worked my way up to?

Also final point, our bill split is about 80/20 and I have absolutely no problem with that. But where does that equate to a 50/50 split of our assets and earnings?

That’s an abusive marriage you’re describing there aquaphant. You are being financially controlled here by your husband.

I earn over double what my DH earns. We have equal savings (because quite frankly its stupid not to make use of ISA tax allowances) and we have equal amounts of spending money.

And I've never yet met, or heard of a man via here who is as insistent on 50/50 housework and parental duties as they are on 50/50 bills sharing. Quite the opposite in fact. They never want to take shared parental leave either. Or half the time off when their kids are sick. Or half the mental load. Or half the caring responsibilities for ageing parents.

That’s so unfair. Either everything pooled, or he should contribute 75% of everything based on his income relative to yours.

There are two common considered "fair" ways to deal with income disparity in a marriage.

1. Even split the total income. Either done by everything going into one pot that both people use, or (more sensibly in my opinion as you are protected from different attitudes to spending...) calculate what is needed for bills etc and both parties contribute with the aim of each person having the same "fun" money left over per month. If you have a really big wage difference this is tricky withit one person transferring to the other, which I imagine can be mentally uncomfortable if there aren't children involved.

1. Both contribute according to their income. E.g. in your case, your take home is £2K and his is £8.5K. So for every £200 you put into the account he puts in £850. So for your £4K expenses, you'd pay in £762 per month and he would pay £3238. Or probably you'd both put a bit more than this in because holidays/meals out are a joint expense.

I prefer the 2nd option as it means if one person seeks a promotion they get to keep proportionately more. So you are still motivated to progress. But if one person is on maternity leave or reduced time because of childcare it might be less suitable.

It is categorically NOT a partnership if bills are 50:50. You have a hybrid system - he pays more, but proportionately much less than he earns. This does notbode well for if you have children. You will always be in penury.

I am scared for you, op, if you have children with this man.
What happens when there are all those extra costs and your income/prospects and pension etc are doubtless reduced?
I think you either sort this out now, or leave.

Simple. Ring fence what each partner brought into the marriage. Pool everything thereafter.

You seem like a nice guy, just a bit blind. Are you funding extra pension provision for your wife, to equalize the earnings disparity for her old age?

And what have you done OP to better your earnings? He is covering the lions share of the bills and you said yourself you aren't scarce of money you just don't think it's fair he has more spending? If you don't like it why enter into a relationship with someone who out earned you by such a big margin? I earnt a lot more than my ex husband and I'll certainly not be making that mistake again

I pay a significant pension that she is the benefactor of should something happen. I also have invested in property that will bring a steady income for us too, again she is the beneficiary of this should something happen.

This isn’t an issue in our marriage, I actually just mentioned to her what her thoughts were on this thread and is she happy with our arrangement? She actually laughed and said she feels guilty for the opposite reasons.

Im the motivated one out of the two of us and she is the one that prefers a much more balanced lifestyle so isn’t focused on career progression. Works for us.

For goodness sake,@onlylovecanhurtlikethis , it's not all about the bottom line! Some extremely valuable jobs are very poorly paid, whereas others pay big bucks without adding much to the welfare of society, I'm sure you can think of a few examples for each category...

You will own 50% of a 600k (700k? insert very high figure) house, while eating well and having nice holidays, while a single woman on your salary could barely afford to rent a bedsit.

Isn't that the "reward"?

DH doesn't expect to have more spending money because he earns more simply because we are a unit. Neither of us expect or want to split up, we promised for richer for poorer and as far as we are both concerned marriage means sharing our assets. Be that bricks and mortar or spare cash.

He earns about 3 times my salary I think. We got a joint account pretty much as soon as we were engaged and took it from there.

I assumed everyone did that because my parents did and his parents did. I realise that's naive now but it was only when I started reading MN I discovered how many splits and accountancy are happening.

He would say that, wouldn't he?

My response would be that I wouldn't have children with someone who doesn't see me as an equal in every way. And I'd leave. But regardless, do not have children with someone who wants you to live in poverty, because spending half your income on housing is considered unaffordable. He does it deliberately and I wouldn't have any of that.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

His attitude is awful.

This man will financially abuse you if you have children with him. He will pretend to support you as a SAHM because that will be cheaper for him than his "share" of childcare fees. You will be out of the work place with your employment capital dwindling and then you will be dependent on him. I don't mean to sound harsh but it would be incredibly unfair to bring a child into such a relationship.

Despite you already paying a significantly higher proportion of your income on house bills he already thinks you are a "gold digger". I can't seem him being generous if you are on mat leave.

Please don't have a child with this man, he sounds awful.

Yeah, i wouldnt have kids with him

Op - have the conversation with you husband about when you go on maternity, then what happens with the bills when you're not on full pay. What if you end up with no pay during maternity, then how will the sharing of money work?

What about when you buy all the baby stuff, how will the money be split then?

What about when it's school holidays and holiday club needs to be paid for or you're expected to use your holiday to support childcare?

What about when you go back to work, perhaps part time and your income reduced. Then what happens with the bills?

If he is this tight now - surely this will be worse once you're trapped with a child?

The accusations being thrown about on here are absolutely ridiculous 😂 financial abuse?

So the OP lives in a house with a lifestyle she couldn’t afford on her own and because this guy won’t split his earnings 50/50 he is abusing her. Some of you need to catch a grip.

Ive already listed my earning split a few posts ago and have noted that my wife has decided she prefers a much more chilled approach to work/life balance.

Are you guys seriously suggesting that I should give up my entire income, split into a pot evenly to facilitate that lol?

It’s no wonder there are so many divorces with that utterly entitled attitude!

RealisticGuy unless you are OP's partner this thread isn't about you.

Why are you posting if your wife is happy with your financial set up?

Merailing is a choice, you can stop anytime you like.

WTF???
are you serious?

@RealisticGuy What would happen if you and your wife divorced? Would your 'split' of assets still apply do you think?