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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
Samlewis96 · 02/08/2023 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Not sure that sounds fair. So one person works their guts out 50 hours a week and the other 15 hours. Yet they have same amount of spare money after bills. Just why ?

QueenCamilla · 02/08/2023 22:00

@RealisticGuy

Rubbish. Bollocks. In that income bracket (and above) every single man I've known, including my ex-partner, have wives strongly encouraged not to work. The men are generous with money and wives have an account where money is being transferred into or free access to a shared account.
Even when working I never paid rent, bills, food or anything at all in restaurants due to disparity in income. My whole salary would barely cover his Ocado bill!

I suppose I could pop to Greggs whilst he goes for his 12 course tasting menu 😂

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 22:01

All I can say is he better take you to heaven when you sleep with him! 😇Otherwise, what's in it for you? I'd also find a way to get him to admit you paid extra on the house deposit, then I'd guard that email with my life, for a rainy day when you decide heaven is meant to be a place on earth.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 22:02

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 21:54

As ever the majority of lower earners think this unfair / financial abuse/ its family money / hint money. Of course they do ….. no self interest there at all!!

Those that are higher earners agree that they should not have to hand over their money to the lower earner.

Women will never gain equality until they stop expecting men to bank roll them. There maybe some argument if one was pregnant / looking after children because only one sex can do that but other than that …. no …. It’s really fucking hard work to earn more money. Hard work, massive responsibility and stress and those that take that on earn more than those don’t. If you don’t like that, take on that responsibility and earn more.
Im so depressed by modern women … where has feminism gone? I want more money …. My better off man should give it to me. Sigh

You have no idea whatsoever about how equality is achieved if you think inequality is caused by women expecting men to bankroll them.

And in this instance, we're talking about equity.

RealisticGuy · 02/08/2023 22:05

@QueenCamilla yep that is also common that they don’t work at all, usually they are SAHM in that case and that’s perfectly reasonable. I would have no problem with that either if that’s what my wife decided.

When it’s no kids though, it’s only right that the other half contributes something through work.

glittereyelash · 02/08/2023 22:07

@Zipidydodah you're making lots of assumptions. Most posters never specified what they earned just they they believed that marital assets should be shared. Its not handing over money it's pooling resources.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 22:07

@Samlewis96 if for whatever reasons one works 50hrs and the other 15 is mutually agreed for whatever reasons, yes.

It's not a competition. I know many people that are twice as productive on lower salary's then the twats earning more than them.

There are many aspects to joint lives and finances is just one of them.

However - patriarchy puts wealth in the hands of the man. We still have an awful long way to go for genuine equality.

QueenCamilla · 02/08/2023 22:08

Ex husband and I shared everything (and still do). We had grown so close in our symbiotically beneficial marriage, that we have decided to never divorce. He gets my house if I die and vice versa. We still have a common savings pot. Family insurances, family discounts, etc.

We have kept the best bits of marriage and have done away with the contractual shagging and tolerating someone's snoring 😂

It feels safe for us and our son.

QueenCamilla · 02/08/2023 22:11

QueenCamilla · 02/08/2023 22:08

Ex husband and I shared everything (and still do). We had grown so close in our symbiotically beneficial marriage, that we have decided to never divorce. He gets my house if I die and vice versa. We still have a common savings pot. Family insurances, family discounts, etc.

We have kept the best bits of marriage and have done away with the contractual shagging and tolerating someone's snoring 😂

It feels safe for us and our son.

That's not the rich guy I should add. The wealthy one would have not been interested in share of my terraced house or pension pot!

FlamingYam · 02/08/2023 22:11

Haven't read most of the responses here but it's always the same on mumsnet. Finances when someone earns so much more are very difficult in real life.

I don't believe for one second that someone should split their earnings 50/50 with their significant other. If you earn more and work harder you should get the benefit of that. That's not to say that SO shouldn't also reap the benefits.

You should change the split of the bills. 3/4s if he earns that much more. He should allow you to save an amount per month by lowering the bills so that you have security also.

We do it differently - 50/50 on the bills and mortgage but the higher earner subsidises the lower for all activities. Lower earner pays where they can but it's not expected. The higher earner in my relationship works much more hours with more training and more stress. The lower earner does not.

It's horses for courses and a lot of Mumsnet won't like my way but it's still a partnership not a house share and we are happy with it.

Samlewis96 · 02/08/2023 22:12

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 22:07

@Samlewis96 if for whatever reasons one works 50hrs and the other 15 is mutually agreed for whatever reasons, yes.

It's not a competition. I know many people that are twice as productive on lower salary's then the twats earning more than them.

There are many aspects to joint lives and finances is just one of them.

However - patriarchy puts wealth in the hands of the man. We still have an awful long way to go for genuine equality.

But what if it isn't agreed? Just one person with lazyitis?

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 22:14

Then you have a problem with your choice of partner, not a financial one?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/08/2023 22:20

This is not how a good marriage works
" All that I have, I share with you"
Do not have DC before you resolve this
He might expect you to find childcare as you gave birth
If you can't resolve, then think seriously if he is the husband you want

Cornishclio · 02/08/2023 22:22

I can't see a future with this man. He is selfish and controlling. Don't have children with him as you can bet he will not cover bills when you are on maternity leave or share childcare costs. When my DH and I bought our first house together we opened a joint account. That was over 40 years ago and we both earned the same. All expenses came from there and all income went in.

Over the years our income was distributed unevenly as I took maternity leave and was a SAHM for a few years then worked part time. All income carried on going into a joint account and we opened personal accounts and both got the same each month.

That is how to organise finances when you are a team and both partners are treated equally. You don't have children yet but he sees himself as the main breadwinner in your relationship and you as subservient to him because you earn less.

Have you reminded him your inheritance went into the house and asked for half back?

Original poster
Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 02/08/2023 22:24

@FlamingYam

Kaay, so you have 5k "spending" money each month. How would you like to benefit from it/enjoy it whilst making sure your partner doesn't get a look in?

Go on an expensive holiday by yourself?
Luxury spa and bed for one?
A new car whilst partner's one needs an MOT?
Front-seat performance tickets with a mate (a couple of times a month every month)?

Hence wealthy men are usually generous with picking up the bill (of all kinds). Enjoyment is best shared.

Unless the money goes on whores, drugs and gambling - which is a distinct possibility when someone is secretive with considerable amounts of money.

Captainj1 · 02/08/2023 22:26

I earn a lot more than my DH. Many times multiple. We both work full time. I pay for everything. We have a joint account as well as our own accounts but I am the only one who puts anything into the joint account and he is the only one who spends from it, usually household bills that he does the admin for and stuff like clothes for the kids. I don't really monitor what he's spending it on, because I trust him. I just top it up when it gets on the low side. Makes no sense for him to pay even a tiny share of our family costs when what I have left after paying for everything is still more than he has to start with.

shelbaby · 02/08/2023 22:26

Aw I don't understand arrangements like that. He is looking after himself. He makes u pay 50/50 on holidays and meals out. He cld easily pay for all and still have plenty spare.

Ur married so surely it's "our" money. Even when I was earning double what my dh was, it all went in the joint account and any savings were ours.

I hate folk that are stingy with money and that's what he sounds like. Even when we were in our early twenties and bought our first house (unmarried) we had a joint account and finances were shared.

caringcarer · 02/08/2023 22:27

Princessbananahamock · 02/08/2023 15:18

If he earns 4 times more he should be paying 3/4 and you a 1/4. Hope you ring fenced your deposit share. 50/50 on meals out seriously 😳. Imagine when/if you have children what will be % split be then. However, does he know if you split savings are put in the pot for division of assets.

He won't even buy you a meal out. That's sad OP. My DH and I earn around the same if anything I get a little bit more than him but he always buys my meals if we go out and won't hear of me paying. He says he loves to treat me. Your relationship is not equitable if he earns 4 times more he should pay more into household accounts. You should ask him to pay a lump sum off your mortgage so his deposit matches yours. I'd be telling him meanness with money is unattractive and putting you under pressure.

Dotcheck · 02/08/2023 22:27

CottagePieLaLaLa · 02/08/2023 15:20

Can you get a better-paid job?

Ffs- nothing wrong with that wage. OP bough a house she can’t afford with a man who is selfish

greenthumb13 · 02/08/2023 22:30

We don't have yours and my money, we have OUR money. Major red flag.

Blueberr · 02/08/2023 22:30

Me and dh both earn good salaries but he’s on more than me. We ratio the bills so he pays more because he earns more. We each keep our own left over money after bills etc and don’t really keep score on who pays for what. Because dh got a good bonus he’s paying for all of our family holiday this year and I’ll just pay for a few bits like some new clothes for the kids.

FlamingYam · 02/08/2023 22:33

QueenCamilla · 02/08/2023 22:24

@FlamingYam

Kaay, so you have 5k "spending" money each month. How would you like to benefit from it/enjoy it whilst making sure your partner doesn't get a look in?

Go on an expensive holiday by yourself?
Luxury spa and bed for one?
A new car whilst partner's one needs an MOT?
Front-seat performance tickets with a mate (a couple of times a month every month)?

Hence wealthy men are usually generous with picking up the bill (of all kinds). Enjoyment is best shared.

Unless the money goes on whores, drugs and gambling - which is a distinct possibility when someone is secretive with considerable amounts of money.

Ducking hell. That's quite the stretch that it goes on whores or is a secret. I've not said any of that. Nor do I have a need for whores I'll add.

Did you not read how I wrote that activities are not shared 50-50 but the higher earner subsidises the lower? No one is going on holiday without the other. You've read what you wanted there love.

MavisTheMonkey · 02/08/2023 22:35

I think your DH's attitude stinks and I would not be happy with it in your position.

I earn c £7.5k and my husband earns £2.5k so figures kind of in the same range as your situation. I pay 75% of all outgoings and DH pays 25%.

We don't pool all money, just have a joint account for bills and then whatever is left is for each to do with as they wish. We initially did this as we both wanted to retain some financial independence, and admittedly when we initially moved in together the split was 50/50 as we earned roughly the same.

As I have more disposable income I have built up much more in savings than he has- HOWEVER I pay for big holidays; I cover the majority of big Christmas expenses; the joint account covers meals out; we both discuss and agree major purchases; I rejigged the % into the joint account so that he could maximise work pension contributions so that we did it have as wide a pension gap and most importantly he knows although the accounts are in my name it's actually "OUR" money and if he / we need it that's what it's there for.

I would happily move some money into joint names but it's all set up in ISA / pension / premium bonds to be as tax efficient as possible.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 22:36

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

Yes, it's called patriarchy.