Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

[Batima]

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

I missed this one. That's completely fucked up.

No this thread is the OP looking for advice and as someone that is on the opposite side of the very thing she is asking about, I am offering my opinion.

The calls to leave him, don’t have kids with him, that he’s a horrible man etc are quite frankly ridiculous.

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

As I have said, on a more even split or closer to the breadline perhaps and even split is more appropriate but when the split is such a huge gap, this is the norm. It most certainly isn’t financial abuse.

If you are in a relationship where the financial split is so vast and the higher earning partner is handing over all their money to be split evenly or saved evenly to a household, count yourself very lucky.

@RealisticGuy your wife is happy with how you divide your income and thats great. The OP isn't happy in her situation. That's the difference.

They would be split as we have contributed to them. I think that is entirely fair.

If the assets were actually split 80/20 as to how our bills are paid I would actually still be the big loser in it as all our vehicles, rental properties etc have entirely been funded by me.

I agree, however she has asked is it fair that she feels the way she does and my answer to that is her husband isn’t doing anything wrong here at all.

The real answer to the question is much more complicated as there are a lot more factors to consider in this than just the pay cheques

He isn't paying his fair she. She is paying a greater % o free income into the shared assets than he is.

He makes her ask for extra money if she needs it

They are married. All finances are legally one.

He doesn't feel he needs to discuss big purchases with her.

He says she has done well to marry someone like him.

Yes, it's abusive and OP should get out before it gets worse and she is more dependant on him with kids.

We've always split joint bills in proportion to income since we started living together. That has so far meant me paying more than him, but also having more left over. Neither of us is a big spender on ourselves though so the amount left over doesn't really matter - it goes into savings which pays for joint stuff like holidays or house projects usually.

If the OP did this she would be paying 19% of their joint costs...

@RealisticGuy if you are married then on divorce all assets would be split 50/50 regardless of whether you think that's fair. Unless you come to some mutual out of court agreement otherwise.

The key to having anything else is simple. Don't get married.

And do you deem that fair?

@RealisticGuy you already said you split the bills according to income 80/20, it's the lack of that consideration that is making people say financial abuse here.

Someone with this attitude is not going to make a good co-parent, far too many women on here who are expected to fund all childcare and child expenditure while their husband keeps their own income for themselves, often berating the wife for being useless with money as she's always broke.

What's the point of being married if you're not going to share everything?

@RealisticGuy actually you don't seem to live up to your name- the point is that if you are married then it's income as an entity - it's 'family' money- if she divorces him she will get lots of his hard separated out 'unavailable to her' assets- if he wasn't prepared for that he shouldn't have got married. So one way or the other he shares fairly now and puts his marriage in better shape or she divorces and he still shares it--- same applies the other way round and it happens a fair bit on mumsnet too.

Someone to do the housework, have sex with, take the medical and financial hit if you want children, a personal PA and an expectation of the "in sickness" vow being stuck to when he gets older I imagine

All the joys of marriage without actually upholding the actual vows.

Meanwhile men are 10 times more likely to leave if their spouse gets ill than the woman is so some of them certainly don't expect to share the caring burden equally!

Seems extremely unfair. You should be paying 1/5 and him 4/5 going on your take home pay. Hope you got your deposit ring fenced.

I must have missed the advice. Your posts seem to be mostly talking about yourself or berating the OP despite the fact you claim your wife is happy. You are not adding anything useful.

For those of us that have frequented these boards for a while we know how this story plays out for the OP, we've heard it a thousand times. She is paying a much higher percentage of her income on bills than he is now and if she has children her situation will become worse than it already is.

Did you actually listen to what you were saying when you got married?

Something about "with all my worldly good I thee endow" ?

Even if you didn't have that particular set of vows, the principle still stands - in a good marriage, absolutely everything is jointly owned and jointly shared. It doesn't matter who earns what - it is a total union.

The only exception I would make to this is second marriages with children from former marriages, who would rightly have their inheritances protected fairly.

@RealisticGuy in my situation yes that's fair. I'm the high earner. All our assets are pooled. We pay the bills, we invest, we save, we spend what's left over. We don't ask permission. We check the accountss. We balance the books. We make joint decisions.

We've built a life over 17yrs. I have always earned over 4x my husband. It would be totally right that our assets are split 50/50, especially where a child is involved. We have jointly created this lifestyle in many many ways.

It's a joint life. What either of us earn is just one aspect of the existence of that joint life.

If you don't want that. Don't get married, don't sign financial agreements together, don't have children and keep your assets to yourself.

Ps you're a proper numnut if you think you're treating your wife fairly. She will see this one day.

Hear hear

He earns 4x as much as you so should be contributing 4x as much. You should be paying £600 towards mortgage and he should be paying £2400. As with bills, you should be paying £400 and him £1,600. Proportional to your earning, that is fair. This leaves him with over £4k a month leftover and you £1K a month, which makes sense as he earns 4x what you do.
Personally, I believe that if you’re married, all income should enter a joint account. All mortgage and bills paid from that. You literally have £10.5K a month income which is an insane figure. Less than half of that goes out on mortgage and bills. As a family, you could be saving thousands of pounds a month and still have thousands left over for ‘fun’ which truly blows my mind.

So basically, pay up now or I will end and take what I didn’t earn. Now that’s abuse lol

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either. I suspect that people are looking at this from a different financial perspective. The OP isn’t on the breadline here, they have a comfortable life.

She needs to have an open discussion with him about the financial plan for kids. Without assuming the worst from him.

I don’t have kids but if I did I know I would personally step up the financial responsibility even more. I wouldn’t even question that as my wife would be off work and unable to contribute, I don’t see how any reasonable husband wouldn’t think that way? For all we know OP DH could be fully prepared for the same. She needs to have that discussion.

However if she wants more money to stick in a personal savings pot then she needs to make a change to facilitate that. He is paying 2/3rds of the bills as is and has provided the ability to have a home and lifestyle she otherwise wouldn’t have.

I just find it all a bit ridiculous that marrying someone somehow entitles them to finances that aren’t as any result of their own action. I couldn’t be in a relationship like that.

So my advice OP is to think about how you can create an opportunity to increase your extra savings and have a good chat about future bills when the kids come along.

I hope you're going to leave at some point, that's not a marriage, that's a pisstake.

And this is why I will never understand separate finances. You're a family! This whole, it's mine, it's yours, what the heck? It's the family's money. If either one wants something the question is whether the family can afford and want to spend their money on a nail appointment, spa day or a new jetski. Not, well its my money I'll buy a boat of I want!

As ever the majority of lower earners think this unfair / financial abuse/ its family money / hint money. Of course they do ….. no self interest there at all!!

Those that are higher earners agree that they should not have to hand over their money to the lower earner.

Women will never gain equality until they stop expecting men to bank roll them. There maybe some argument if one was pregnant / looking after children because only one sex can do that but other than that …. no …. It’s really fucking hard work to earn more money. Hard work, massive responsibility and stress and those that take that on earn more than those don’t. If you don’t like that, take on that responsibility and earn more.
Im so depressed by modern women … where has feminism gone? I want more money …. My better off man should give it to me. Sigh

I wouldn't have a child with someone who thought like this. Mind you I wouldn't have married him either - my mother said never marry a mean man and never marry a jealous man. She was right.

Up to you OP if you can tolerate this. He won't change. He will expect you to fund your own maternity leave and childcare will be your responsibility. Every day of the week there are posts on here from women who are scraping down the back of their sofa for spare change while their husbands live the high life. That will be you. He expects you to pay 50/50 for a dinner out when he is saving 5k a month? Come on.

I don't care if anyone thinks it is fair or not. That hardly matters. What matters is if this is the life you want to live? Where you have no savings. He has loads. He buys big ticket items without consultation. Obviously some women might be fine with this (they are all married to Realisticguys' friends and colleagues, apparently) but many many couples approach it as a family/family money - building a joint life together.