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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 23/09/2023 11:13

@Mari9999

A reasonable solution would be for you to return to work full-time and for the 2 of you to split equally the cost of child care. It may be a bit of a struggle for a while but expenses and sacrifices come along with the decision to have children.

Eh?

She does work full time.

And they have no children.

Have you posted on the wrong thread?

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 13:01

@ComtesseDeSpair
The OP is working part-time, and again their agreement was based upon the 2 of them being aware of her reduced income status. Seemingly there was no lack of transparency surrounding that issue. The OP willingly entered into an agreement detailing her financial contribution to the household and is now having second thoughts. That is not abuse. That is buyer's remorse.

Going back to work full time and splitting the cost of childcare 50/50 seems a perfectly reasonable solution

monsteramunch · 23/09/2023 13:05

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 13:01

Going back to work full time and splitting the cost of childcare 50/50 seems a perfectly reasonable solution

Are you thinking of a different thread?

OP works full time and they don't have children so no childcare is required...

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 13:10

@ComtesseDeSpair

Sorry, this response was to a different thread.

loobylou10 · 23/09/2023 13:53

OP you are in a financially abusive relationship. Do not have children with this sorry excuse for a husband. Marriage is about sharing your lives together and that means financially as well.
You should be looking to divorce this 'man'

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 17:54

@loobylou10
Marriage us about a mutual agreement between 2 people about how they wish to live together.

A man who has worked hard and educated or trained himself to work in an industry with upwardly possibilities and is currently earning a 6 figure salary has made a significant statement about the lifestyle that he wants to live. A woman who has worked hard, and education or trained and prepared herself to work in an industry where she earns 20,000 has also made a significant statement about the lifestyle that she has prepared herself to live.

At some point the woman in this scenario has to accept the reality that it is not her partners obligation to provide more in life for her than she bothered to prepare herself to earn. Marriage is a relationship and not a form of income subsidy.

There are many women who are entering marriage as financial equals or reasonably close to it.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 18:00

Marriage us about a mutual agreement between 2 people about how they wish to live together.

It’s not, though. It’s a legally recognised business agreement, a financial union. The law recognises that despite what either partner earns in salary, assets are split 50-50 (if no children, and not a short marriage) or sometimes a different asset split if one person has caring responsibilities/needs.

But basically if you marry you agree ‘all that I have, I share with you’.

If you don’t want that, keep the mutual agreement outside marriage. Once you tie the knot you have signed a legal agreement that you are a financial unit of equal partners.

Ripismycowboy · 23/09/2023 18:01

@Mari9999 read the thread properly. You are spouting utter nonsense. This is about a man who has taken 100% of the OP’s inheritance to reduce their JOINT mortgage. Then is saying ‘What’s yours in mine and what’s mine is mine’. This isn’t about upward mobility or earning potential.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 18:02

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 13:10

@ComtesseDeSpair

Sorry, this response was to a different thread.

Three times?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 23/09/2023 18:04

I would be seeking a divorce solicitor to see his back accounts.. Get out op. Just get out. He is fleecing you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/09/2023 18:07

Did he put any deposit in ?

If has £5k spare a month that's a lot of saving he could have done in a year and saved £60k deposit

loobylou10 · 23/09/2023 18:10

@Mari9999 I said 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow'. 'All that I have I share with you'. Pretty straightforward, no?

loobylou10 · 23/09/2023 18:11

@NoSquirrels Well said

Tulpenkavalier · 23/09/2023 18:15

A woman who has worked hard, and education or trained and prepared herself to work in an industry where she earns 20,000 has also made a significant statement about the lifestyle that she has prepared herself to live.

FFS @Mari9999 , you really are a piece of work. You clearly know the price of everything and the value of nothing...

The sad fact is that some of the most valuable and important professions pay very little. I am sure you know that. So why are you here, posting sh!t and trying to derail this thread?

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 18:17

The husband did not"take" anything from he OP. She chose to invest in their joint ownership property. The fact that she chose to invest a substantial down payment will probably equalize over time with him paying 75% more of the mortgage. There was no abuse there only elective decision making. What the OP is now capable of saving is tied to her income. The husband did not choose her job or earning potential. Those things were tied to decision and preparations made by the OP.

The OP entered this marriage freely and she is not being held against her will. If she agrees with those who are saying that she is being financially abused, she can freely exit th marriage. The assets will be split in keeping with the laws governing the jurisdiction where she lives, and she will then be free to look for a partner with whom she is more financially compatible.

loobylou10 · 23/09/2023 18:32

*FS @Mari9999 , you really are a piece of work. You clearly know the price of everything and the value of nothing...

The sad fact is that some of the most valuable and important professions pay very little. I am sure you know that. So why are you here, posting sh!t and trying to derail this thread?*

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️. Piece of work indeed.

loobylou10 · 23/09/2023 18:37

@Mari9999 - genuine question then I'm going to stop - what do those marriage vows actually mean then?

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 20:13

@loobylou10
I think the vows mean very little other than you are entering into a legally binding relationship.

There was a time vows included the words "as long as we both shall live.". If those words were meant to have religious meaning, then God must have changed His mind as that is no longer a part of the statement in any wedding ceremony that I have attended in the recent past. Many marriages today seem to not last as long as it took to plan the wedding, and on MN engagements seem to last far longer than the actual marriages.

I don't recall any vows that speak to financial obligation or the structuring of finances. All too often on MN posters speak of handling finances as though there is some Marriage Manual or Marriage Commandments that lays out the Thou Shall and Thou Shall Nots. There is no such bible or manual. There is only what the 2 parties can mutually agree upon and that which works for them.

loobylou10 · 23/09/2023 20:25

@Mari9999 whatever 👍👍

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 23:35

Nice to see you agreeing with the consensus, @Mari9999

Mari9999 · 23/09/2023 23:58

@NoSquirrels
I always believe that no one has to be in a marriage that for any reason makes them unhappy. The option of walking away is always there. It sometimes difficult to understand the need for polling. Each of us knows when we are unhappy and it matters not who is at fault. That is the principle upon which no fault divorce was built. It is enough to say " this is not the way that I wish to live.

What confuses me is the need to blame someone. In many cases it is just a difference in outlook or priorities. No need for anger or blame when the courts have provided such an easy solution. It's not working to your satisfaction end it and look for a more compatible partner.

Bellsbeachwaves · 24/09/2023 07:52

I think the financial set up is not great but not necessarily abusive. But I would not make myself vulnerable in this situation by having children with him. I would divorce him and get my deposit back. To some degree Mari is right, although a little cold about it, that a deal was struck and now OP doesn't like the deal, understandably tbh, but there is an option to leave, before children come along, so it makes sense to do this, as OP will have even less money and will be in a relationship with a man who doesn't along the lines of what's mine is yours.

Baconking · 24/09/2023 08:02

I can't get over the price of the mortgage! 😳

You paid £170k MORE than he did in a deposit but your payments are still £3k a month! Wow

Strawml2025 · 17/06/2025 10:14

My wife and I have been married 15 years, together for 18. We have an 11 year old and 10 year old. I am 53 she 47. My wife has substantial savings via inheritance and added to it whilst married, she is an only child due to inheritance even more. I earn 100k she doesn't work, yet I have no money and after 10 years of being a single breadwinner and an empty bank account I am saying enough she has to dip into her savings. The debate started about holidays in that I said I could not afford a holiday unless she contributed then she got funny about this saying her savings (circa 300k) are her pension, yet at 47 she could work too. My guess is she is reluctant to work while she has this money and i am paying for most of everything else. Am I being unreasonable to say no more, you start paying more from your savings for shared exp, or pay off the mortgage, or get a job? Any advise?

beachcitygirl · 17/06/2025 10:37

Tell him you want to remortgage the house and take your £170k out of the house. Invest that in your own name. Don’t get pregnant.

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